Pining over another man

[Notabunnyboiler]

I need some straight talking to. I have been married for over 30 years, married young, second sexual partner and 3 children. Marriage has had its ups and downs but generally okay. My husband is kind, caring and everything he does is for his family, but dare I say "a little bit boring and happy with his life" whereas I am a bit more get up and go. I have changed quite a lot since the early days, more concerned about my appearance, hobbies of my own, job, more confident etc. Two of my children are grown up, I'm a granny and my youngest is still at school.
Fast forward lots of years and a "man" comes back into my life that I briefly knew many years ago (no relationship at the time). We started talking again and it was obvious there was an attraction on both sides. However - he is a twice divorced player, numerous conquests, all about him, never his fault type of guy. I do deserve it but he has played me big time and I fell for it. Doesn't want commitment, has ghosted me 5 times and always pops back up saying he was "in a bad place" and stupid me believes him. Last time we spoke he apologised and then next day ghosted me again. We don't have contact anymore. He has broken my heart and I deserve it.
My question is really "what makes an intelligent woman pine for a total twat who has treated me like something on his shoe when I have a decent caring husband"?
I just want to wake up one morning feeling happy without thinking about him, wondering if he is onto his next woman. My self-esteem has hit rock bottom. I know I deserve it but its so hard. Non-contact is possible but there is a chance I will bump into him as we live quite close.
Tell me I'm a stupid woman - I deserve it.

I'm going through something similar op. "James" keeps coming into my life, he pops up telling me that he can't stop thinking about me, I'm not proud but we are both married. I'm in an open marriage and DH knows all about James but not too happy. His wife obviously doesn't.
He asks to see me, I agree we message for a few weeks then he ghosts. I went a year last time. A few weeks ago he got back in touch asked if I would see him and like a weak fool I did. I don't know why I keep doing it. He's told me he could never leave his wife, and I sit here every day hoping for a message. Yesterday I got a morning one and no more.

You will never get the same feelings from a long term relationship as you do from a 'new conquest' type situation. Different is not the same as better however. The best thing to do is cut him off, he's used you for his kicks and you are not available for that.

@thecatsarecrazy please just block him. You know he is playing with your emotions and hoovering you, so he is not a nice person.

Thank you for all your advice. I thought I might get treated harshly because I deserve it for being a stupid middle aged woman. I suppose I will never understand why people ghost. Its cruel and spiteful and I could never do that do someone. Its sad to read that there are people in the same situation as me. As @Northernlurker rightly states "he's used me for his kicks and I am not available for that". I need to realise that he isn't a nice person and try to work on my future, whether that is married or not.

@thecatsarecrazy That is exactly the same way he behaved with me. Months would go by, then contact and me go running back and then ghosting again. Its happened 5 times.

@Notabunnyboiler he is doing this because he knows you will bite.

The contacting, silence then contacting again is crazy making behaviour but it gives him a weird sense of power knowing he has this hold over you.

This person is a narcissistic prick and I have been through that cycle myself of being discarded, contacted again after 6 months, then me ending it because I couldn't stand his disrespect. He still tried to hoover a year later which I ignored and two years after that which I ignored. At this point, I cannot tell you how liberated I felt at knowing that I could say no and just ignore his abusive and manipulative behaviour.

Just block him on everything. Work on yourself and know that you are worth more than being treated with such contempt.

I've been ghosted 3 times. I never learn. I do feel a lot different this time round though. He vanished last April and I was gutted for 3 months. Couldn't believe I had been so stupid, lockdown didn't help being stuck in with my thoughts. He appeared 6 months later and I pretty much told him to do one, you owe me nothing take care. Then another 6 months pass, he sends a message saying I think about you every day. Then I went and met him again. It's so not worth it.

@thecatsarecrazy Like you, I thought my resolve to react was stronger than it actually was.

You know this person is poisonous for you, he lovebombs you to manipulate and guilt you into a response. I had the same, "I have lost the only woman I've ever loved, my feelings for you will never change, I would dearly value an acknowledgement of this email even if it says "I've received it"... etc" 🤢By that time, I saw things very clearly and was out of the fog and trauma bond. I had the self respect to put my emotional well-being first rather than being a people pleaser and sacrificing myself to be someone's plaything.

They do not value you at all as a person and only see you as a thing to be prodded and poked every now and again, to see whether they can get "supply" from them. They are utterly sick and do not give a damn who they harm as long as they get what they want.

People like the one in your post are utterly toxic and fuck with your life and mental health. Please block him without even responding to his hoover. People like him need this sort of attention to thrive, but do not react or respond in any way or you will be stuck in the shitty cycle of abuse for a long time.

Do you know what, when he ghosted me I got involved with another guy. He proper love bombed me, I was low, he came along and swept me off my feet and took my mind off James. Pretty soon after I discovered he's a proper narcissist. The love became control. The hearts and kisses emojis and talk of spooning became sick sex talk. Nothing sexy vulgar stuff. I must be attracted to these horrible toxic men. James messaged 20 minutes ago said sorry I've been shit at messaging hope you are ok. Well if hes not messaged since yesterday morning, he obviously didn't want to. So bollocks to him.

The narcissist Text me the other night to tell me to get a picture off twitter and I was pushing it. Apparently I must want attention off perverts. And he doesn't like me tweeting about Lucifer. Gets jelous because I fancy an actor ffs

@thecatsarecrazy

I understand you're in an open marriage but don't you think that it seems this situation isn't working out for you? Or at least your approach to it isn't? I suppose men who are happy to see someone in an open marriage are unlikely to be bothered about monogamy, which is fine when all parties are on board but as with your 'James' guy, for many this will mean they are accomplished and confident liars with wives who are unaware they're being cheated on. So it's not a big surprise he's a headfuck, surely?

I would think only seeing men who are either single or also in open marriages is a pretty sensible rule for you to try?

Why haven't you blocked James? His poor wife. However shit you feel about it, her world could implode at any point if she finds your messages. Focus on that and try to block him. Don't be further complicit in him being an utter cunt.

No you're right. The open marriage thing worked while I was seeing people I was happy to be casual with but lines got crossed with James. I stupidly got feelings. I see him totally different now. Last time I saw him I didn't believe what he was saying.

@thecatsarecrazy

No you're right. The open marriage thing worked while I was seeing people I was happy to be casual with but lines got crossed with James. I stupidly got feelings. I see him totally different now. Last time I saw him I didn't believe what he was saying.

Its good you can see that and hopefully not repeat it again. So then...

Why haven't you blocked James? His poor wife. However shit you feel about it, her world could implode at any point if she finds your messages. Focus on that and try to block him. Don't be further complicit in him being an utter cunt.

OP - you know what this is and you know you must back off. You will miss the little thrill that it brings, but you know how transient and shallow it is.

You are human - you were tempted - you were flattered. Don't beat yourself up - it happens to so many people. It is what you do about it that reality matters.

It might be a moment to think about what is missing in your life and whether it might be possible to talk about this with your OH, not in an accusatory way, but simply saying you need a bit of something new in life - deal with it together.

Good luck.....lots of us have been there!!!