why does my mum keep going on about my lovely 5 month old dd saying shes gonna go off the rails when she a teenager

[robinredbreast]

posted this in parenting, but thought id ask you guys in here 2

had a bad relationship with my mum all my life but it was worse when i was in my teens and when a became pregnant she "started again"

i wasnt an angel but i really wasnt that bad either when i was a teenager
wasnt really helped by the fact
that mum used to tell me she hated me
and that iwas clean on the outside and dirty on the inside !
[after reading my secreat diary and finding i had a bf]
ignoring me for days
and being a bitch to me

now i am happily married and have a beautiful dd who is 5 months old and is very bright happy sleeps 12-13 hours a night she cant stand it
and seems to be willing me to fall

and keeps saying shes gonna give you hell when shes older, and just wait till shes a stroppy 14 year old

i want to say well you caused 80% of my problems when i was a teenager so hopefully me and dd will have abetter realationship

if it was said affectionatly in a joking way i really wouldnt mind
but its said in a snippey putting down kinda way
and she seems desperate fot me to fail,how sad is that

we cannot really talk about the past as she always denines whats happened and pretends that certain things didnt happen
she cannot face the truth

i was thinking of saying something along the lines of, now mum you know the past is something we can never talk about so stop bringing it up

this may embaress her, as she ALWAYS says these put downs in front of others and i feel if i say anything it would be like was making a big deal

ive ignored it three times now and its pissing me off more and more each time

am i crazy to think that teenage girls can have a good relationship with their mums?

i want us to have a great mother/daughter friendship im gonna try soooo hard

when we where at my cousins house to bid farewell to her baby daugher my 2nd cousin,she had a brain tumor and died at 19 months old ,god rest her soul,we went to say goodbye the day before she died. when i was about 34 weeks pg
mum started going on and on about what a terror i was
thats how much of a bitch she can be

yes right in front of my cousin whose baby girl was dying right in front of our eyes, fucking going on about what a nightmare girls are
that must of made things even worse for her
she must of been think my aunt x is going on about what hell it is having a daughter, on my daughters death bed

does this give you some idea about what shes like?

sorry for that super long rant ,ment to ask surely im not being unrealistic to hope me and dd can have a good relationship ?

we have a great bond already and shes only 5 months

well you need to distance yourself from her.

she wants to piss all over you - dont let her. just dont engage - to the obligatory and nothing more.

i have three teenagers and i love them and think they are fabuously brilliant. i love everything about them.

there are bound to be troubles along your parenting road - but you are now armed with a foresight and experience that will enable you to be different from your mother.

dont listen to her at all!
in my family about 3 generations of moms have left there children at some point my sis said this is one of the reasons she doeasnt want children as it is a family trait to be a failure as a mom, i had just had dd i got myself into a right state especially when she asked me not to do same to dd!
your dd will pave her own way you can only show her as she is growing the right and wrong ways!

when she says a snippy put down to me i wan to be quick and fire one straight back at her

i was thinking of saying well i think alot of how teenagers behave is down to how they get on with there parents

what do you think shed make of this?

i can totally understand how you and your sister feel
i felt just the same.
just want to do a good job

ive tried to ignore the comeents but i cant as shes gonna batter my self esteem once more like she did in the past

funny how shes started on me again since ive been pg like shes waited till im a bit vunerable
how sad although they do say that often domestic violence starts when the woman is pregnant so maybe she thought i am now easy pray !!
new mum etc

she may be after the attention just let it in one ear out the other pretend you didnt hear her!

good point
im worried shes gonna say this to dd when shes old enough to understand

yeah or i could wind her up by saying how wonderful dd is

try not to worry to much when your dd is old enough to understand tell her you and your mom had bad stage whilst you was a teenager!

thanks dd666 she just has such a negative effect on me
maybe its best i avoid her 4 a bit

robin I amsorry to hear about the negative effect your mother is having on you, tbh I agree it might be a good thing for you to get some distance between you and your mother for a time, emotional distance ideally but if you can't do that then physical distance.
that's not to say you can't rebuild the relationship but when the time is right for you.
HC xx

hi harpsi you prob dont remember me but you.ve helped me alot with bf advice

bloody hell the put downs i had from her about that i could start a whole new thread

i dont want ot totally cut her out iyswim as it would make it difficult for me and the rest of my family but she really tries so hard to put me down and i just cant understand it only see her once a week at the moment so its not as if i see her all the time but maybe it would be best if i saw her less

to hell with her bullshit rrb.

i wasnt no angel when i was growing up, but my mum said my dd1 would be in prison by the time she's 20. (she's 12 now)
we fight like cat and dog (double the amount of pmt in our house lololol) but we can have such loving, open and honest moments, that i'll treasure forever.

my mum pissed all over my fire too. any glint of a chance she saw fit to put me down, she did.

I haven't seen / spoke to her for 3 months now...and I feel so much better!

Good luck

hi purple it nice to talk to people in the same boat as when all your friends have grat families you can feel like a bit of a freak

did you tell your mum you didnt wanna see her again or have you just avoided her?

the last time i saw my mum was in august. her and dad had come down for a few days. saw every opportunity to call my kids names and how shit a mother i was.

however i digress...i was 'trying' to pack up smoking. I asked her not to smoke and she did...then we had an almighty row about her disrespecting me, the criticisms and the relentless put downs. i put her in her place and we haven't spoke since. my kids have tried calling but the phone always gets put down.

i understand about the child with the tumour too. one of my mates has an older DD (13) with a tumour. my mum doesn't even know her and passed comments!

enjoy your dd while she's so young rrb. things may have changed a lot by the time your DD hits puberty? Never, ever let anyone affect your own relationship with a DC, they grow up and change so fast!

i relaised things had come to a head when i sat dd1 and dd1 down for a family discussion over a meal...and my mothers poison just spilled out of their mouths,they had been hanging onto that for years thru fear of hurting me?!!

There is no obligation on you to maintain a relationship with your mother. You shouldn't feel guilty about distancing yourself from her. At this time you should be focusing on your DD and not putting your energies into a distructive relationship.

I tried for years and years (36 to be precise) to have a relationship with my father but 2 years ago he finally went too far and we haven't talked since. My life has been so much calmer and happier since then - I don't regret it for a moment.

He's never apologised for the things he's said over the years and I don't expect him to. He occassionally tries to bribe me to make contact with him again (he would never make the first move) by ringing my ex and telling him things like he's cutting me out of his will - but he just doesn't get that money can't buy love.

Good luck!

I think this is a familiar and sorry tale. It sounds like my mum and my sister.

As I grew up my sister was a nasty piece of work, sibling rivalry to the extreme, whilst I was very close to my mum.

As an adult, I understand that my mum and my sister are both generous, funny, strong minded and sometimes manipulative. They are very similar - which I think causes the problem.

Do you have siblings that can possibly mediate? I hate always being stuck in the middle but would hate the alternative more.

Good luck!

robinredbreast

Your Mother is what can be termed a "toxic parent". When you became a teen she was losing control over you and when you became a parent she lost control of you again. She doesn't like that at all.

I would suggest you read the thread, "my mother has cut my out of my life - long sorry" on these pages.

What does your Dad think of all this?.

Another suggestion for you is to read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward. This goes into some lengths about dysfunctional families and how and why they operate as they do.

I would keep her as far away from you as possible.

really hope we are not at all similar! i look at my lovely dd and think how of my own mum said and done the things she has

dads alright but he never really says anything if you know aht i mean?
just sort of looks v comfortable
he never really did anything to stop what went on when i was younger although i hes never actually done and said horrible things unlike mum

guess hes justa bystander really

RRB - don't worry you are nothing like your mum! You're concerned enough about your DD to ask others for advice and to want to build a good relationship with her. Would your mum do that?

Your mum sounds incredibly similar to my mother......

Your mum is incredibly insecure and jealous of your success as a parent. She is an attention seeker and control freak and will never change. If she's like my mother she views you as competition and a threat, in all of your relationships.

It's her problem not yours. Next time she makes a comment how about suggesting she goes to councelling? At least you would be offering something positive!

My life improved dramatically from the moment I cut my mother out of my life completely. That was 14 years ago and I do not regret it.

robinredbreast.... the fact you are conscious that your teenage years weren't right (understatement...!) means that you will be so aware and strive to forge a bond with you DD when she is a teen.

I hated my teen years (made to feel useless and worthless, cried myself to sleep most nights) and I now have two DDs (18 and 16) and they are just wonderful. We are very very close, they can come to me with any problem, we go shopping together, we hug and kiss (when they let me!) and I feel privileged to be part of their lives. And that is how it will be for you too, because you are aware.

Of course, I have my ups and downs with my DDs (huge heated shouting matches, wall to wall hormones, slamming doors blah blah) but all that doesn't matter because we have this bond.

It will be hard because once your DD reaches her teens, you will remind yourself continually what your teen years were like and with girls particularly you remember what you were like at each stage of her life. But it means you can break that cycle and not be like your mother. You can learn from how you were treated, and turn it to your advantage, to bring up a happy, loved, well balanced daughter.
Good luck but I'm sure you won't need it!

Robinredbreast

You will be compeltely different from your Mother primarily because you understand that she has the issues. I repeat, she is a toxic parent. Would suggest you read "Toxic Parents".

Your Dad played his role of bystander to perfection in this dysfunctional unit your parents created. He never stood up to her did he?. He likely never said anything because he was glad to have her attention drawn towards you and thus he was not getting flak from her.

I would not think either of them would be amenable to any sort of counselling as they likely feel they have done nothing wrong.

thank you so much for your lovely replipes its very reasurring to know that i can have a good relationship with dd

to those that have how do you find it cutting your mum out of your life? the only thing that worries my about this is seeing the rest of my family and you know the usual family do's etc

she is a control freak thats for sure

why do you think she has this desire to see my fail?

yes you are right she would never admit to doing anything wrong

i think she just cannot face the truth

im going to order the toxic parent book today. such a great description of them esp her

Sorry long..... Using MN as free councelling.

People like your mum (and mine) are really insecure and they can't control their own emotions. How many times has your mum 'blown up' about the smallest thing?

The only way I could make myself feel safe and not manipulated was to remove myself completely. I was 20 and moved to a different part of town, then when I was 22 I moved 90 miles away.

My sisters were still young when I moved the first time, 16 and 10, and I felt guilty for abandoning them. Even more so because by this time my mother had moved in with someone else and was living in another village leaving my 16 yo sister to look after the 10 yo .

I kept in contact with my sisters through my grandparents (who very sadly are now both dead).

Since my gran's funeral (2 years ago)my mother has 'brain-washed' them and we no longer speak. Sadly they are becoming very like her, always angry and always blaming other people for the cr*p that happens in their lives.

My mother is so good at manipulating people she even got her uncle's wife to have a go at me outside the crematorium at my grandfather's funeral. Though an attempt at an apology (by the uncle's wife, not my mother) was made after my gran stepped in.

For me, the break from my mother wasn't difficult. She wasn't a great mother, I was cared for more by my maternal grandparents, after my parents divorced when I was 5 or 6yo. I would go them after school, she would collect me and put me straight to bed, in the morning my gran would collect me and take me to the school bus on her way to work. At weekends I would either sleep at my grandparents or have sleepovers at friends houses. School holidays were always spent at my grandparents house, being cared for by my great-great aunt (who was the most amazing woman).

My mother kept my little sister with her (because she was a 'nice girl'), and told me that I was a hateful child and that my dad didn't love me and that's why he had left. She told me that he never wanted to see me again, and she wouldn't allow him any access. She even told me that my paternal grandparents had "gone away forever", I thought that they had died.

After my parents divorce she had a nervous breakdown and took some pills (not enough to kill her "but a cry for help"). She was in a psychiatric hospital for at least 2 months, but denies this.

I sincerely hope that I am nothing like her, and work very hard to make sure that I don't repeat what she did and how she made me feel. I do not allow her to contact my children.

After 14 years of not having anything to do with her I feel numb towards her and I would really rather not see her ever again!

All I can say from my own experience is that you would probably be far better off without her. Don't let her poison your life.