Is there a way through an affair if he had feelings for OW

[lostinsummer]

My DP cheated (long story) and he has done all the things I asked (lots of hoops to jump through) but it's transpired after we went through things over many months that he has some kind of feelings for the OW.

I was led to believe (or he says he genuinely thought at the time) that he felt nothing for her and it was a huge mistake, but over time it transpired she was someone he felt something for.

This has hurt me worse than the affair, as I was able to "move forward" as I believed he loved me and only me and that was something I was able to live with.

Now it's become clear, many months on, that he felt a loss / missing her. He says he doesn't love her, but felt something, and that's made me feel like I want to leave him.

He's made it obvious he loves and wants me more, but the fact he felt anything at all seems to painful. If someone truly loves you, surely they couldn't possibly have any sort of feelings for someone else?

Why would you want to?

In some ways I find it odd that people think there wouldn't be any feelings involved in an affair. It's such a high risk thing to do when you are in an established partnership that it's very rarely just for a quick shag unless the relationship is absolutely broken.

I personally understand how it is possible to love two people at the same time and love one more than the other. No one person can tick all our fantasy partner wish list 'boxes'; one will tick more of them than the other, even without the shared history built up over time. The difference is that most people might be tempted but not act on their temptation.

That doesn't help you of course in deciding if you are able to live with what happened You probably feel like you won the 'pick me' dance but you're the only one who can decide whether your partner is a prize worth having.

I ask myself while reading through these posts.. why us women lack self esteem, self respect and ego?

I always read in "cheating threads" how the woman find some reason why the man cheated (she gave birth, she was tired, she she she..).
Well no, many times it's him. He took the decision to stick it in another woman and worse actually developing feelings for her.

Men don't fall in love after sex.. they had a friendship, they talked, he talked about his childhood, his family, she talked about her and made him laugh. The fact that he let it go that far it means he has no respect or love for you.

I would rather be alone my whole life than with guys like this. Set the bar a bit higher ladies.

I do agree with some of what you say @oannic but there are times when a couple can get back on track after an affair but I do believe that its the person thats cheated that really needs to start with the heavy lifting.

Many of the posts on MN are posted shortly after d'day and all of the emotional roller coaster that comes with being betrayed is still very fresh and that includes the hope of being able to work on the relationship and get over the affair. It really does take time to process whats actually happened and to think about the details of the betrayal such as them having those intimate moments (and I don't just mean sex) where they are talking about lifes and sharing information about each other.

Its right to say that the bar should be set high and lets be clear there may be relationship issues that have contributed to the affair but they did not cause it, the only thing that caused it was the decisions they made.

When caught they always minimise the actual truth OP.

“We didn’t have sex”, “we only did it the once” “I didn’t enjoy it” “I didn’t have any feelings for her”

The truth is many men fall in love with their mistress.

Sorry you’re going through this.

Just to add to this @op please proceed very carefully. My wife developed "feelings" for a co-worker and and she stepped in and out of the marriage multiple times for him, I'd give her the benefit of the doubt and forgave her and I did all the work. I am now living in the SAME house as my wife while she is dating this OM while she "finds" somewhere else to live, this whole experience has now dragged on over a year and a half! and I am shattered mentally so please tread carefully she how he feels might change from day to day. He really needs to initially do all the heavy lifting and you have the right to be guarded for a while.

I always find it interesting that on most threads people will say “oh she’s nothing to him” just an ego. But I have to agree that unless someone is simply a serial shagger and basically doesn’t care about any of the people in their life, then it’s highly likely there are strong feelings involved.

So you either have a serial shagger who will continue to do what he does, and probably genuinely think he loves you.

Or you’ve got someone who had very intense feelings for someone else, and if they had been single probably would have dated them properly.

Not sure I would want to stay with either of those scenarios

The trouble is, with the exception of a true ONS, so meeting in club and something happening then, there are rarely no feelings at all. It may not be love but its definitely something, and that something is what should be happening between the people in the relationship, not outside of it.

I hate to agree but I'm another that thinks lack of feelings for the OW would be very rare

If someone truly loves you, surely they couldn't possibly have any sort of feelings for someone else?

If he truly loved you he would not have put his dick in someone else.

You deserve so much better

If he cheated he has no respect for you. He will do it again. Rate yourself higher than this and kick him to the Kerb.

Regardless of what anyone says op it's about what you can cope with.

I think @oannic's post is correct in that it's the shared intimate conversations that in my opinion do the most damage. No matter what coping mechanisms you put in place if you try to move forward and forgive the affair, these intimacies will keep coming back at you.

It shows a serious lack of character to drop those barriers when you are in a commited relationship/marriage, coming home everyday knowing you have spoken so closely with another.

For me the lack of respect is the main factor for never being able to feel safe and open up again after an affair.
So, some people even if they wanted to forgive, they find they can't, the mental barrier creates the physical barrier and basically that's it.

If you respect yourself you will have trouble overcoming his lack of respect for you.

You could hang in there and see OP. It isn’t impossible to get through it, although anyone in your situation couldn’t fail to be jealous and feel deeply betrayed.

If you decide to stay, you could try to be empathetic and think of how you feel about your own previous relationships - they were important but now they are gone. That’s the OW. It’s painful - and DH needs to show you she is gone - but it is past.

@feeficken

I do agree with some of what you say *@oannic* but there are times when a couple can get back on track after an affair but I do believe that its the person thats cheated that really needs to start with the heavy lifting.

Many of the posts on MN are posted shortly after d'day and all of the emotional roller coaster that comes with being betrayed is still very fresh and that includes the hope of being able to work on the relationship and get over the affair. It really does take time to process whats actually happened and to think about the details of the betrayal such as them having those intimate moments (and I don't just mean sex) where they are talking about lifes and sharing information about each other.

Its right to say that the bar should be set high and lets be clear there may be relationship issues that have contributed to the affair but they did not cause it, the only thing that caused it was the decisions they made.

It is true and I believe that people make mistakes but (and this is just me) I could never get over an affair especially if there are feelings involved - even if he "wants" me more. I would always have the thought that he came home and kissed me and hugged me after he did the same thing to OW.. and believing all his lies...It's just something that I couldn't get over.

If I fall out of love I would still have the respect to not treat my SO this way.. I could not do this to a person that I say I love (even if I am not in love with him anymore).

No. And why would you want to?

How did the subject come up OP, if you thought you were both moving past it? It must be very painful for you 🌹

I always suggest reading some of Esther Perel’s work when it comes to affairs, I think she is excellent. She has 2 books (Mating in Captivity and The State of affairs) and a popular podcast - www.estherperel.com/

I couldn't do it.

Funny how most people here agree that cheating men have feelings for their affair partners. When women post that they themselves are the OW, replies are all very 'you're nothing but a shag to him.'

@CirqueDeMorgue

Funny how most people here agree that cheating men have feelings for their affair partners. When women post that they themselves are the OW, replies are all very 'you're nothing but a shag to him.'

Men are more rational than women. We fall in love easier.. men think things through that's why I believe it's more painful if there were feeling involved.

I’m on another thread as the OW (long story, I’m not proud... ) and have been told I’m just an ego boost.

I doubt there were/ are feelings involved.

I think affairs are much more complex (and much less black and white) than they can appear on MN and it is possible to have feelings for more than one person, in all sorts of different contexts. However knowing this does not make it easier to deal with being cheated on, or to decide how to handle it.

One of my parents had an affair 25 years ago; they stayed together and it was honestly the worst mistake they ever made. There were reasons the affair happened in the first place, and these haven’t gone away, plus the resentment over the years on both their parts means their house has a constant atmosphere. Based on this, I think I would be very reluctant to stay after an affair. It’s very rarely the same or better.

OP read up on limerence and pair bonding. My WH had an affair where he was totally madly insanely in love with the AP. He then proceeded to have a breakdown.

He has real clarity around it all now. And (my feelings aside) it’s interesting to talk to him about it.

He wasn’t ‘in love’ in the sense of how I would describe our relationship at the beginning, it was more addictive, enabling a really dark side of himself. The affair was isolating him from his family, from me, from his core and the affair partner was his safety net, the more isolated he was the stronger the feelings of ‘love’. A never ending cycle.

There is also the argument that they develop this because it helps them do what they know is morally wrong, ( if you do something for love then it’s ok argument).

When I was trying to get my head around it I read Frank Pittmans types of affair (I googled it) it explains much better than I’m doing here.

My husband worked damn hard to become the man I trust today (as much as I will again). It is entirely possible to reconcile with communication and true REMORSE from your husband. There must be no blame attached to you the betrayed.

Please don’t listen to anyone saying what they did or didn’t do, or would do in the circumstances. I have my head held high. I’m NO doormat. I made a decision based on what was good for my family and for myself. I’m proud of myself for giving my husband a second chance but it took work to really understand affair psychology.

For the record my WH has no feelings for the affair partner anymore he recognises it as what it was, he spends all his time showing me that I am his world. As he damn well should be!

I will add, we are a very happy household with no bitterness. We didn’t rugsweep this, we faced it all head on and we have the support and love of our friends and family none of whom consider me weak for staying or believe that the problem was our marriage!

Sorry another though OP but your husband will need to unpick this in counselling for you to feel safe. Affairs are often holes that needed filling. An inability to find happiness and gratitude. A selfishness and entitlement. If he unlocks his whys you may be able to understand this better.

And don’t forget they always affair down!