Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Is there a way through an affair if he had feelings for OW

42 replies

lostinsummer · 15/06/2021 18:07

My DP cheated (long story) and he has done all the things I asked (lots of hoops to jump through) but it's transpired after we went through things over many months that he has some kind of feelings for the OW.

I was led to believe (or he says he genuinely thought at the time) that he felt nothing for her and it was a huge mistake, but over time it transpired she was someone he felt something for.

This has hurt me worse than the affair, as I was able to "move forward" as I believed he loved me and only me and that was something I was able to live with.

Now it's become clear, many months on, that he felt a loss / missing her. He says he doesn't love her, but felt something, and that's made me feel like I want to leave him.

He's made it obvious he loves and wants me more, but the fact he felt anything at all seems to painful. If someone truly loves you, surely they couldn't possibly have any sort of feelings for someone else?

OP posts:

roobicoobi · 18/06/2021 07:09

@CirqueDeMorgue

Funny how most people here agree that cheating men have feelings for their affair partners. When women post that they themselves are the OW, replies are all very 'you're nothing but a shag to him.'

It's because the men won't leave their wives. As demonstrated by this very thread. In spite of any 'feelings' the OW was still just a shag to him.

LadyCatStark · 18/06/2021 08:06

Having read your other threads, my advice is still that regardless of the affair, his behaviour towards you is disgusting and you need to LTB.

oannic · 18/06/2021 19:18

@Ladybug123 I must admit I found your message enlightening. You seem wise and in control and I admire that.
One of my parents also had an affair and they stayed together.. It was a rough patch for them and for us (the kids) but they managed to put it behind them and have a beautiful marriage.

However (and I talk only about myself) I couldn't get over it. Maybe it's who I am as a person but I could never be the same loving and cheering person. Of course I never went through it (hope to stay like this) but my principle is: how I treat a person I expect to be treated back. Maybe I need to still grow cause I really do believe that mistakes can happen (we are only human) and I would also forgive him but I could not be with him anymore.

Anyway, we are all different and live different lives and OP should listen to her heart.

sammylady37 · 18/06/2021 20:44

@CirqueDeMorgue

Funny how most people here agree that cheating men have feelings for their affair partners. When women post that they themselves are the OW, replies are all very 'you're nothing but a shag to him.'

Oh MN loves nothing more than to castigate an OW, tell her how awful and meaningless and worthless she is. The pile-ons are quite something to watch.

sammylady37 · 18/06/2021 20:46

*I will add, we are a very happy household with no bitterness

And don’t forget they always affair down*

Your first statement isn’t exactly convincing, given your second.

Ladybug123 · 18/06/2021 21:05

Sammylady37 I don’t care at all what you think…

Oannic I honestly want woman who CHOOSE to reconcile to do so without shame. They already go through so much heartache, coming here and reading how they have no self esteem, no backbone, that their husband doesn’t respect them or love them blah blah blah from people who have no idea of where they have come from and the journey they have been on is just so sad. I don’t blame anyone who hasn’t walked in their (and my) shoes, but there’s a narrative and it needs discussing. We’re not all wilting violets. Some of us have stories to tell and those stories are empowering and full of pride!

Taliskerskye · 18/06/2021 22:06

I don’t know anyone who hasn’t stayed with their cheating DH who hasn’t done so for reasons. Low self esteem. Doing the pick me dance. Finances. Children. Home owning. Lowering lifestyle.

No one stays because of just loving the person. That says a lot

CirqueDeMorgue · 18/06/2021 22:52

@sammylady37 yep, my point precisely. But look at this thread, they change their tunes when an opportunity arises to make the betrayed spouse feel a bit shitty too.

faithfulbird20 · 19/06/2021 02:15

Be easy on yourself and leave. You don't need someone else's trash.

sammylady37 · 19/06/2021 05:39

Sammylady37 I don’t care at all what you think

Of course you don’t. In fact, you care so little you took the time to post to tell me you don’t care. Just to make sure I know. Ok then!

oannic · 19/06/2021 05:51

@Ladybug123

Sammylady37 I don’t care at all what you think…

Yes, I agree with what you say but in my opinion the women of whom you talk are few. Yes, there are women that are powerful and make the decision for themselves BUT many many many others stay for the kids, financial insecurity, fear (of being alone), low self esteem. Of course it depends a lot on the man and also the efforts he makes for forgiveness and each case differs.

I must add though that the attraction can happen between a man and a woman (even if they are in relationships) - attraction is just science BUT the decision of doing something is purely ours and that is what I cannot accept. We are not teenagers .. we are adults and you decide to jeopardize everything for sex. For me that is unacceptable.

Ladybug123 · 19/06/2021 06:20

Oannic my point is that just a quick read through this thread and it’s women turning on women who stay. We’re seen as ‘less than’ I actually believe that that rhetoric is damaging. They consider themselves supportive but what they’re actually doing is telling an already broken person who has already had to pick themselves up from the gutter that they’re weak, feeble, pathetic, lack respect..,

If a spouse chooses to stay (for whatever reason they have) we should be supporting them to do so in a healthy way by ensuring that their spouse is working to be safe partner and show true remorse. It takes a lot of work often in counselling. We should be coming from a place of knowledge and experience.

That is where the help, support, empathy and compassion lie, not the one sentence replies I see all over this forum telling them to have some self respect.

And as for you yourself, yes I totally agree, there are those who cannot stay and cheating is a deal breaker. And that’s just fine.

Anyway I’m not going to t/j anymore, my advice to the OP stands.

startrek90 · 19/06/2021 08:43

In my experience its actually very common for people to stay after an affair. The only times I have ever known someone to leave without attempting to 'forgive' have been cases were it was the woman who had the affair and the man leaves. Says a lot I think.

Thewookiemustgo · 20/06/2021 17:37

OP only you can know whether your partner is truly sorry, wants to fully reconcile and safe to reconcile with. Only you know whether, even if he is all of those things, you will still want to after infidelity. And even after that there are no guarantees and reconciliation is a very difficult, long road.
There are times when second chances are the way to go, but I would say not if your partner still has feelings for the OW.
I think that some men did love their OW, some thought they did then realised it was the excitement and ego boost they loved, and some just didn’t love them at all. But if feelings of any sort are still present, you will feel second best and resentment will kick in, you will be constantly on alert and suspicious, constantly trying to work out if he feels more for her/ you, worrying it might restart or still be continuing furtively etc, and that way madness lies.

MN is a strange beast, OP, and no topic is a hotter potato than infidelity. Women on here can be incredibly wise, supportive and brilliant. Hatchet jobs are also not uncommon. Infidelity posts tend to have a mixture of both. The OW gets villified or supported. You can get bashed for leaving or staying. Your self respect, self esteem and even mental stability can be uplifted and supported, or damned and even brought into question in the same thread.
My point here is that you need to sift what you read and find your balance in amongst the opposing opinions. Walking a mile in someone else’s’ shoes is highly recommended, look especially for those who have been where you are and even if their views are directly opposed to each other, even if one stayed and one ended their relationship, they will both have a lot of value to you. But only you can know that.
Take care, this stuff is horrible. Hold your head high whatever you decide to do, it’s your life. X

Thewookiemustgo · 20/06/2021 17:40

@Ladybug123 great posts. X

Redwinestillfine · 20/06/2021 17:48

I agree. You draw your own lines and only you know what is right for you.

Lurcherloves · 20/06/2021 21:35

Would you get over it if he had intense feelings for this other person but hadn’t acted on them?

Flip

1 2