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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I get husband to leave?

36 replies

southeastlady · 15/06/2021 16:41

Hi all
First post on Mumnet, I apologise for the essay!

Bit of background;

My husband is a big drinker, on a work night he will have around 6 cans of lager, more on a Friday & Saturday night (around 10 cans) he also does drugs at the weekend

If I didnt control all the money he would quite easily spend £150+ a week on himself

I'm just so worn down by it all and am thinking I want out to be honest.

I saw a solicitor a while ago who advised that as long as he pays his half of the mortgage he's perfectly entitled to live here.

I'm worried that in 10 years I'll still be in the same rubbish life as I am now.

If anyone has any advice I would really appreciate it.

If relevant we own our house as tenants in common with un-equal shares.
We also have a trust deed where I get back the money I put in (I owned a flat on my own that I sold to fund house purchase)

OP posts:
weleasewoderick23 · 15/06/2021 16:50

I think your first call would be to women's aid, they can advise you of your options. Do you have children?
If not, I would move to somewhere rented till you've sorted the legalities. You have my sympathy as I was married to an alcoholic, but it's my house so he moved out.
Good luck Thanks

Original poster
southeastlady · 15/06/2021 16:53

@weleasewoderick23

I think your first call would be to women's aid, they can advise you of your options. Do you have children? If not, I would move to somewhere rented till you've sorted the legalities. You have my sympathy as I was married to an alcoholic, but it's my house so he moved out. Good luck Thanks
Yes one child who is 7

I couldn't afford rent and paying half the mortgage unfortunately

OP posts:
Original poster
southeastlady · 16/06/2021 09:36

bump

OP posts:
SunCatt · 16/06/2021 09:49

Use the CMS calculator to see how much he would be required to give you in maintenance, and benefits calculator to see what you can claim.

Would you be able to fully support yourself on that amount?

MMmomDD · 16/06/2021 09:58

OP - you can’t get him to leave immediately. But you can start divorce procedures that would give you the freedom that want you want, eventually.
Solicitor must have told you that?

Original poster
southeastlady · 16/06/2021 10:17

Thank you, his income varies as he's self employed. The job he's on at the moment the CMS calculator says he would need to give £240 a month.
I'm not entitled to any benefits but could just about pay for everything on my salary + child maintenance.

The problem is I'm sure he wont go without getting his money from the house so will need to save up what I need to buy him out which could take a few years :-/

Unless I wouldn't need to do that until are child is 18?

OP posts:
SprayedWithDettol · 16/06/2021 10:20

You can look at a mesher order. Speak to a solicitor- do research and don’t just go to the nearest high street practice - they can give you the best advice.

Umberellatheweatha · 16/06/2021 10:46

Save yourself the hastle of saving and sell the house. Honestly no house is worth being trapped with an alcoholic and letting your kid be around that 24/7. Sell up and get out. Might be easier to start divorce proceedings first of course. In the mean time make sure you sleep separately and dont do any of his cooking/laundry ect...

Original poster
southeastlady · 16/06/2021 11:09

@Umberellatheweatha

Save yourself the hastle of saving and sell the house. Honestly no house is worth being trapped with an alcoholic and letting your kid be around that 24/7. Sell up and get out. Might be easier to start divorce proceedings first of course. In the mean time make sure you sleep separately and dont do any of his cooking/laundry ect...
Thank you, I have thought about selling but I live in an expensive area so coupled with having to buy him out I'd be no better off. Plus I dont think I'd get a new mortgage on what I earn (even though I can pay the current mortgage alone which is mad)
OP posts:
Umberellatheweatha · 16/06/2021 11:11

You would be better off though - because you'd be away from him. Sometimes finances have to take a hit. You could rent or move somewhere cheaper or buy something smaller. Wither way your main focus needs to be getting your lad away from an environment where there is boozing going on.

Original poster
southeastlady · 16/06/2021 11:15

Thank you, i am considering selling now.

My mortgage is £790 a month and rent is about £1,300.

Currently in a 3 bed house and if I was alone I would still need a 3 bed as my job involves shift work so without him here I would need an au pair I'm guessing

OP posts:
Umberellatheweatha · 16/06/2021 11:30

Ooft an au pair wont be cheap. Maybe you could change the hours and find a local babysitter. Maybe some neighbours have a teenager looking for pocket money? Or just do what they used to and let the kid play outside till you get home xD. If it's a safe enough neighbourhood. And maybe their pals parents can feed them that day and you return the favour another day.

Suppose that's no use for overnight shifts though.
And maybe just not the done thing these days.
But if it were me I'd ask around.

Honestly op if I had to i'd get away with a one bedroom and i could sleep in the living room. Concert it into a bedroom if the entrance to the kitchen isnt through it.

Ok I'm thinking super frugally but you maybe need a dose of that too if your outgoings are about to double potentially.

motogogo · 16/06/2021 11:30

You can start divorce proceedings and the court can order the sale

Original poster
southeastlady · 16/06/2021 11:38

@motogogo

You can start divorce proceedings and the court can order the sale
Thank you, do you mean start the divorce and the court would let me stay here until son is 18?
OP posts:
Original poster
southeastlady · 16/06/2021 11:43

@Umberellatheweatha

Ooft an au pair wont be cheap. Maybe you could change the hours and find a local babysitter. Maybe some neighbours have a teenager looking for pocket money? Or just do what they used to and let the kid play outside till you get home xD. If it's a safe enough neighbourhood. And maybe their pals parents can feed them that day and you return the favour another day.

Suppose that's no use for overnight shifts though.
And maybe just not the done thing these days.
But if it were me I'd ask around.

Honestly op if I had to i'd get away with a one bedroom and i could sleep in the living room. Concert it into a bedroom if the entrance to the kitchen isnt through it.

Ok I'm thinking super frugally but you maybe need a dose of that too if your outgoings are about to double potentially.

Its an emergency service so I have to do 2 earlies, 2 lates and 2 nights then I would get 4 days off.

I've looked up au pairs, you have to give them 'pocket money' of around £80 a week plus provide a bedroom and all their food.

I could of course buy a 2 bed house, son in one room, au pair in another and I could have a sofa bed in the living room

OP posts:
Umberellatheweatha · 16/06/2021 11:48

Hmm I suppose £80 per week isn't too steep then tbf.

Not sure price difference wise between a 2 n 3 bed home in your area though. Might be worthwhile just getting the 3 afterall xD

Sounds like you're doing good looking into things! Hopefully you would find something that suits and wont break the bank.

Original poster
southeastlady · 16/06/2021 12:34

@Umberellatheweatha

Hmm I suppose £80 per week isn't too steep then tbf.

Not sure price difference wise between a 2 n 3 bed home in your area though. Might be worthwhile just getting the 3 afterall xD

Sounds like you're doing good looking into things! Hopefully you would find something that suits and wont break the bank.

Thank you, yes taking into account everything I may as well stay here if I can.

There's no way he'd have money to go to court he'd rather spend on going down the pub, golf, booze and drugs

Son is 7 so 11 years is a long time, if I had the money to give him in say 3 or 4 years of course I would do it and get the house in my name I wouldnt make him wait 11 years just because

OP posts:
Umberellatheweatha · 16/06/2021 12:49

Oh gosh no absolutely dont stay. Your talking about your don growing up seeing his dads drinking as normal. And his mum staying and tolerating it as normal.

And drugs too?

Absolutely not an option to stay a few years op. Not remotely. Even if leaving now left you and the kid in a 2 bed caravan it would be preferable to staying.

Not to mention if ppl got wind of drugs being involved, social services could take your child away from you for failing to do anything to protect him from that.

And if you did stay, in a few years you boy might start standing up for himself. And I'm betting mr boozy mc druggy face would not like that.

Umberellatheweatha · 16/06/2021 12:50
  • you're talking about your son
tornadosequins · 16/06/2021 12:58

What's your priority - your kid being protected from the damage of spending longer in this toxic environment, or this house?

Did you actually ask that solicitor about divorce or just the house?

Original poster
southeastlady · 16/06/2021 13:10

@tornadosequins

What's your priority - your kid being protected from the damage of spending longer in this toxic environment, or this house?

Did you actually ask that solicitor about divorce or just the house?

I asked about divorce and getting him removed from the property. She advised he was entitled to live there if he pays his share of the mortgage, and that he could move into the spare room

And that I could of course start divorce proceedings and let the courts decide what to do regarding property. But he couldn't afford it

OP posts:
BarbedBloom · 16/06/2021 14:58

Don't rely on a mersher order. A friend couldn't get one as her ex wouldn't be able to buy his own place while remaining on the mortgage. It may be worth posting in legal for more advice though and ask your solicitor about a mersher order.

I also think you should leave. I grew up with a dysfunctional father like this and have had years of therapy.

BootsieBarns · 16/06/2021 15:15

If he can't afford the costs on his own you're unlikely to get a mesher order as he will need money to rehouse himself as well.

Original poster
southeastlady · 16/06/2021 15:51

@BootsieBarns

If he can't afford the costs on his own you're unlikely to get a mesher order as he will need money to rehouse himself as well.
Thank you

He wont rehouse himself he'd just go and live back at his mums house

OP posts:
BootsieBarns · 16/06/2021 18:22

Doesn't matter. The court will look at his needs as well as yours. He may want to setup his own house in the future.

You also don't know how he will react to a divorce so just be prepared to sell the house.

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