It’s so unfair that abusers go unpunished!

[Letdown16]

I just want to say it’s so unfair how someone can abuse another, leave them with mental scares and an illness they will have forever and just walk away un-punished.

There is no revenge for a narcissist and I know it’s pointless wasting the energy but today at this moment it is just so unfair.
I have such a mountain to climb.

I know the feeling and you are not alone. I was desperate for some form of revenge to expose the narc for who they are, but they will eventually do that to themselves.

The punishment for a narcissist is that they will eventually end up alone with no friends or loved ones because of their behaviour.

They have to live with themselves while you are free from them.

All the best with your recovery.

I know how it feels too . I have often wished I could sue my mother for the horrendous lifelong damage she did to me. It has affected relationships, my marriage, my job prospects, my earning capacity and my own DC. You can take someone to court for damage to property or to finances but not for sustained and deliberate physical and mental abuse in childhood which sets you up for a life of feeling like you are worthless.

I wish it was true that these abusers end up alone. My mother is surrounded by my sycophantic siblings and their families while I’m the one isolated out in the cold finding it impossible to connect to other people due to lack of self esteem and mistrust of everyone.

All you can do is hold onto the fact that you are a better person than them and if there’s a hell they’ll hopefully burn in it.

@Letdown16, I'm right there with you! My narcissistic abusive ex is being 'punished' with a new wife and new home that he can refurbish however he fucking pleases, having been the important earning man while I sat on my ass raising his 3 children and scurrying round trying to appease him at every turn like a fucking doormat. Meanwhile, I will eat my hat if I ever have the privilege of owning my home again, while I still do 95% of the parenting and the children and I are falling over each other in a tiny flat for exhorbitant rent. It feels like a shitty cosmic joke, doesn't it? And I know a sizeable proportion of our mutual friends and acquaintances believe it is entirely my own fault for daring to leave such a sweet man and outstanding husband.

I don't see myself ever trusting another man enough to be in a partnership with them. There's no point me railing publicly about how unfair it all is because, to the outside world, it's not his fault he was lucky enough to meet and marry someone else so quickly. What most don't get, is that he made damn sure he met someone else (doesn't really matter who it is as long as they think he is the bees knees) because they are secondary to the lifestyle he thinks he deserves.

I would pity his new wife @everythingbackbutyou because at some point she will see who he really is. At some point a narcissist won't be able to obtain new supply as they did in their youth which is why they will end up either alone or with flying monkeys who they will also mistreat.

I understand OP and I wonder the same things.
I'm sorry you're going through this too.

I totally agree, and it is not helped by the amount of women who refuse to report their abusers, make police statements and press charges.

To make men accountable for abuse all women have to use the full power of the law every time.

I’ve tried the law and in the courts at the moment and there is still no justice. I’ve had no support at court, I’ve had to face him every time, watch him cry because he is a victim, watch him lie time after time, it’s soul destroying and totally understand why people won’t report there abuser. Leave they say, be strong, be a survivor but hand your children over and tear your own soul apart.

@Ruminating2020, he has done such a number on me that I am terrified she will find out what he's really like and he will make it somehow my fault.

I have complex PTSD as a result of the abuse I suffered and I am expected to send him a fathers day card.
I can't seem to find one that says fuck off and die.

Sorry you're having hard times.

Karma is your friend.

The best revenge is being kind to yourself and building a better life for yourself away from that person.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky I also have complex ptsd. Every time I have to see him at court I spiral down into confusion, I almost lose track of reality. He has done such a number on me and I had no idea until it was too late and I lost it.

And yes my child has done a Father’s Day card for daddy who hasn’t had contact for 16 months. Unfortunately it doesn’t say just fuck off and die also. Which would solve one problem but the damage has been done.

@Letdown16 and @Shehasadiamondinthesky home made cards are always the nicest...

[quote everythingbackbutyou]@Ruminating2020, he has done such a number on me that I am terrified she will find out what he's really like and he will make it somehow my fault.[/quote]
So sorry to hear that you are in this situation@everythingbackbutyou. Are you no contact with him or does he also have partial custody of the children?

It does seem very unfair at the moment but you have your freedom which is precious and you have the children most of the time. Things will get better.

I'm so sorry you had the misfortune to have this bastard in your life op.

I really hope the damage he has done to you can be reversed, hopefully slowly you will gain strength and feel in control once again.
The one thing I would add is we believe you and wish you all the luck in the world in re -building your life.

You have been through a nightmare and it will take time for peace and serenity to return, by which time you may feel stronger and more able to cope with the lasting trauma he caused you.

These men should pay and hopefully one day he will.

It is unfair.

It is @tornadosequins, but I believe justice will catch up and it is possible to heal.

To make men accountable for abuse all women have to use the full power of the law every time.

Oh come on, what power. The police barely care. Why waste one's breath on another humiliating conversation to blanks stares for what, a crime number? They have a friendly chat to the ex? Now he's angrier? Awesome. No ta.

@Ruminating2020 I am 'lucky' enough to share custody or he would be out my life, no looking back. At least this way I can provide my children with a refuge. The rest of the time, he's still trying to look good in front of his partner.

@everythingbackbutyou

I'm sorry for what you have had to edure but how long do you think he will be able to look good with his new partner.
Without you permanantly in his life he will soon need a new whipping boy.

Guess who that will be.
No matter what blame he lays at your feet, he will in time start to blame her, thats how they are, never accountable.

He will shit up his new life, and then move onto the next, don't worry what others think, you know the truth.

Thanks, everyone. It's so sad how many of these guys are out there!

@Ruminating2020

I know the feeling and you are not alone. I was desperate for some form of revenge to expose the narc for who they are, but they will eventually do that to themselves.

The punishment for a narcissist is that they will eventually end up alone with no friends or loved ones because of their behaviour.

They have to live with themselves while you are free from them.

All the best with your recovery.

They have to live with themselves, sure. But given that they have such a hugely inflated perception of how wonderful they are, how difficult would that actually be?

My father was a narcissist. I'm sure he did lose friends. When this happened, he would completely write such people out of the narrative, literally never mention them again. . . after telling us very angrily how "contemptible" the person was, etc etc. The ranting would go on for a day or two and then, nada, that person would be struck from the record. BEFORE he decided that they were contemptible, he would have adored them and fawned over them, sometimes for decades.

But at his funeral the church was, nevertheless, packed with people who thought he was the most wonderful person! Narcissists are very good at PR. The man I heard described at the funeral was definitely not the one that my siblings and I had known as our father.

I am free of him in one sense. But because I have suffered from depression and anxiety ever since my early teens, largely as a result of living/having lived alongside such a person, I will never be completely free. My life has been marked by his abuse.

Letdown16, it IS unfair. And I don't believe in karma either (have seen precious little evidence of it in the world.) Big hugs. My hope is that as a society we will learn far more about narcissistic abuse and learn how to properly support those on the receiving end of it. That's some way off, though.

My ex also got away with all the abuse and the police has done nothing. Also have ptsd, I have shown such a hard life for myself due to my own mum who has narcissistic traits. I chose to live a very isolated life as I no longer wish to invest in people who portray themselves as angels in the streets but are devils in the home bad who are excellent liars. It was a total waste of time calling the police

I don’t think I believe in karma either. He is the victim in his eyes, he’s the man and he wonders around thinking he is great. When he gets contact with children he will damage them and there will be no karma that could undo that.

Agreed. My blood used to burn in fury. A lot of them get away with it scot free and happy, leaving ruin behind them. Nothing comes back to bite them, they just go on doing damage that devastates their wives (or husbands) and their children.

There is rarely any justice.