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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Impotent husband

30 replies

wook · 20/11/2007 21:30

HELP !!!!!
No sex since January but there was never much before.He's impotent and the doctor has even prescribed Viagra. Feel like I am living in a bad comedy sketch.
Have lost all patience/ ability to cope/ put brave face on. Have done it for years and now just cannot stand it anymore.
Anyone else??
Can't lead a barren life!!!!!!
Please, am at end of tether

OP posts:
yogimum · 20/11/2007 21:44

I had a boyfriend a few years ago who was impotent, its very frustrating I know. The viagra wasn't perfect but it did help. I think his was mostly psychological not physical. As I don't know your situation do you think counselling might help? BTW dh and I haven't had sex since January and he's not impotent.

lemonstartree · 20/11/2007 22:00

how old are you ?how old is he ?how is your relationship otherwise ?

LucyLasticBand · 20/11/2007 22:05

doesnt he want to use the viagra?

nosecondchild · 21/11/2007 02:30

Wook, this isn't that uncommon although we do tend to live in a society that assumes everyone is at it constantly! My dh is also impotent and all I can say is keep talking to your dh and try not to put pressure on him to 'perform' (easier said than done I know).
It's positive that he's gone to the gp and been prescribed viagra - how does he feel about taking it? Unfortunately it didn't work at all for my dh (he even tried two pills at once) as his issue is very deep seated psychologically so it's worth exploring the cause of your dh's impotence and possibly seeking out counselling.
good luck and try and be as supportive of dh as possible, if he feels that you're always expecting sex it may just make a difficult situation worse.

Original poster
wook · 21/11/2007 19:04

Thanks, so glad to not be alone in this, I have been feeling so ashamed and that it is something wrong with me.
I can't bear the thought of him taking Viagra, it just makes me curl up at the edges in horror.
I try not to put pressure on, but sometimes I feel like I am going to burst from sheer misery and frustration myself.
Everyone I know is having their second baby and I know that I will never be able to have another one and that is driving me crazy too.

Plus, it just seems that the whole world is shagging non stop.
AND such a role reversal- I thought the woman was meant to be the one who was not interested in sex, not the man.
I think the problem is very, very deep rooted and not a temporary or physical thing. What hope is there?

OP posts:
LoveMyGirls · 21/11/2007 19:07

So you havent let him try the viagra? I would give it a go at least to see if it helps? Also nice bath, massage, sweet talking, tease him and see how it goes? Sorry I'm prob not much help. It's not a personal thing though i can understand why you feel hurt.

Is he getting any other help like counselling? Has it always been like this? What started it off?

Klaw · 21/11/2007 19:13

((Wook)) I know how you feel...

We have financial/property issues whcih is stressing us out no end and has resulted in dp not being able to rise to the occasion for at least two years

I am 41 in Feb and I can see my chances of having a sibling for dd (30 months nearly) slipping away every day

We still love each other and kiss and cuddle etc but we just fall in to bed shattered every night.

I need sex and I want another child.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll know what to do when we get down to it again

So, what is stressing dh? He needs help to deal with stress/anxiety/depression and then perhaps he will get his va-va-voom back

Original poster
wook · 21/11/2007 19:31

But do you have the patience??? All this male ego stroking is too much for me, I have done the sympathy and reassurance thing for years but where is the sympathy and reassurance for the woman who gets humiliated time and time again?
Just ranting now. I know I sound selfish and hard but I am so angry. I want a brother or sister for my 27 month old and I just want to be desired. What is so wrong with that?

OP posts:
yogimum · 21/11/2007 19:50

If you are having difficulty talking about it, maybe you could both have counselling. My ex had very deep rooted problems, his ex wife, an accident one of his boys had which he caused. Been a man he just couldn't talk about it. Sadly he was depressed which I know can affect ones sex life.

morningpaper · 21/11/2007 19:58

"I can't bear the thought of him taking Viagra, it just makes me curl up at the edges in horror."

BLOODY HELL WOMAN!!!!

What on earth makes you say that? Did he go to the GP? Did he get the Viagra? It sounds as though it is your attitude that is a major problem here, as well as his physical problems.

Find a counsellor.

beentorelate · 21/11/2007 20:01

testing name change

morningpaper · 21/11/2007 20:02

lolol

beentorelate · 21/11/2007 20:26

yes, well, I was there for the UCM thing, so didn't want a repeat

Wook - I know how you are feeling. Dh was more or less impotent for a long time and it was a soul-destroying nightmare. At one point it was all I could think about. We did manage to conceive dc1 but then sex disappeared completely. Cutting a loooong story short, we went to Relate and saw a psychosexual therapist. It was a difficult decision to make, but we did and stuck with it and it has made a huge difference. It was not overnight, and in fact it is only in the last two years that I would say we had a good sex life (and truly it is good, satisfying and loving) but it started to get better for both of us after the therapy. You really have to commit to it though - there is all sorts of "homework" to do at least three times a week, and you have to make time for it. The one important thing to know is that you don't have to talk in front of the other about deep seated experiences and issues. Both dh and I had things we could only say to the therapist and it was necessary for us to go into huge detail about these things with each other. Also, there was a 5 month waiting list for us to see someone, so if you want to do it, get your name on the list pronto.

I will try and check this thread again tomorrow in case you have any questions as I'm happy to answer them. You have my sympathy - and I can utterly see your rage and disappointment at what life has dealt you and your dh. However, I truly believe it can be helped. Take care.

ineedapoo · 21/11/2007 20:40

wook my dh is like yours no sex for 3 years and a big disappointment when we try. At least yours is prepared to get help mine just blames me

morningpaper · 21/11/2007 20:44

beentorelate: good advice

yogimum · 21/11/2007 20:52

beentorelate, excellent advice, it really helps when someone has had a similiar experience and got through it.

LoveMyGirls · 21/11/2007 21:02

ineedapoo - its horrible your dh blames you! That must be so so difficult. not saying your situation isnt a nightmare too, I'd hate to go without sex, I moan if it's been a few days so couldn't cope long term.

Is it total lack of affection? If not and he is willing to make you happier then can he just do things for you? There is more than one way to skin a cat........

Original poster
wook · 21/11/2007 21:49

Oh no, can't imagine if he blamed me, bad enough I blame myself! The relate PST sounds like a v good option...

OP posts:
Klaw · 21/11/2007 22:20

Wook, I don't even try to start anything just now. I got so fed up being rejected

It started when I was pg and he couldn't seem to deal with my joy, he thought I was obsessed

We tried a few times after my VBAC and I have to say that I think it might have been better if he was NOT my birth partner but just got called in at time of birth. Unfortunately he had seen a spinal, episiotemy and forceps. I don't think it helps.

Then on top of it all we have this huge circumstancial strain to deal with.

I'm praying that when we get it all sorted we will slowly get back to 'normal', which was a very good sex life!

Is his job stressful, is he happy in his job, does he feel secure in it, does he feel like he is able to financially support his family? Men NEED to feel that they are able to look after their family, they feel responsible.

Does any of that apply?

How was your birth of dc? What does your dh feel about the birth?

beentorelate · 22/11/2007 10:11

Wook - sorry there was a typo in my earlier post it should read "NOT necessary for us to go into huge detail with each other". The other things I wanted to say as a couple of you have mentioned wanting to be pregnant - Relate cannot give you PST if you are pregnant, in fact I got pregnant with dc2 just toward the end of our sessions (we went for about 5 months in all) and had to hide it. When we went back for our 6 months later check up, I wore a very large sweater and said I was only 4 months. I would say that the pressure to conceive, if this is something you have been discussing, may also not help him - men like to be wanted for their body and not just their sperm, and this can have a disastrous effect on the libido. Also, before going to Relate I had read all the Cosmo type articles about not putting pressure on him and so stopped initiating anything so dh thought I was not interested. Eventually, when I adopted a more open "I love you and I would like to have sex with you when you are ready" approach (which I found v hard as I was not brought up that way ), things were easier for him, as he felt desired. Obviously, psychological issues with sex can stem from all sorts of things, so every man will be different, but where the therapy helped a lot was also with me, even though the problem was "his" IYSWIM. The therapist treated us both as individuals and as a unit, ie how our relationship outside of the bedroom may have been affecting his impotency.

If you believe that your dh's problems stem from psychological issues (one way to test this is to find out if he has an erection when he wakes, the purely physical morning glory kind) then I really recommend Relate. If you as a couple feel you couldn't possibly do something like that, then I really, really recommend it even more strongly!

beentorelate · 22/11/2007 10:14

Also, stopping smoking helped dh hugely. I mean amazingly so and if he falls off the wagon now and has even a few fags on a night out, it v obvious from the strength of his erection. So if they smoke, make them stop.

morningpaper · 22/11/2007 11:22

Yes definitely about trying to conceive - this puts IMMENSE pressure on him which is going to be disastrous is this is something he struggles with anyway. Really, it's horrible.

For any man struggling with impotence the trying to conceive is the worst nightmare. I would REALLY recommend the viagra for this particular issue. What is your problem with viagra? Lots of men find it great. I'm not sure what your worries are about viagra? It's been the salvation of many marriages.

In general, I do think that over the course of a relationship with a man with these issues then you will have good years and bad years. When you are in a bad period it feels like it is never going to change. But if you keep communicating and work on other areas of your relationship, and bide your time, and keep being physical (cf there are lots of ways to skin a cat) - and give him confidence that he can pleasure you WITHOUT an erection - then you will have good years again. Trying solutions like viagra can help to break the cycle as well - a few positive sessions can do wonders for a man's confidence and that can put him back into a positive frame of mind, which helps immensely.

millie865 · 22/11/2007 14:55

Totally agree with everyone who says get help for this. It is a much more common problem than people realise. And it can be overcome. While you are waiting might you consider some alternatives:

Can he get an errection when you are not there? Does he masturbate? Because plenty of women get pregnant with the aid of a syringe and no sex with a man. I know it maybe a really difficult suggestion to raise, but it might take some of the pressure off.

As for the sex, well there are plenty of other things he can do that don't require an errection. AGain, this can be difficult to discuss but I do think too much focus on intercourse can be half the problem. If he can feel a success in satisfying you in other ways, rather than a 'failure' in 'performing' perhaps that would help.

Good luck

lilakris · 23/12/2007 18:37

Dear Wook,
I totally relate to you.
My husband has been impotent for a while. I did not realise that when I married him.We did not have much pre-marital sex and the few times we tried nothing happened. I thought its performance anxiety and that he would get over it.
I married him because I know he truly loves me.He is a good provider.
By some miracle we got pregnant a few months after our marriage.
We now have a beautiful child.
I have known my husband for 2 years and I must have had sex like 3 or 4 times in all.
I so want to have sex. I am so mad at my husband for making me feel so undesirable. He looses his erection everytime we try to do something. I feel so humiliated.He wants me to love him irrespective of all this and I am not able to.
I feel so humiliated after every attempt....I am almost on the verge of leaving him. I dont want to hurt him as he is a good human being but I cannot take this humiliation any more.
He is only 33
Hes been to the doc who told him he is overweight and needs to lose weight....which to be fair he is trying.
He takes Cyalis- but it does not seem to help much,
I am told I need to be patient and keep supporting him.....but in reality I hate him for making me feel this way!
Am I the only one? Help!!!!

NAB3hundredbaubles · 23/12/2007 18:44

I don't know if this will help but I have read something about how you are affectionate in bed, kisses, cuddles, touching but agree not to have sex. Apparently you do a little more each time if you both are happy but still agree not to have full intercourse. The pressure is off, and hopefully it will happen naturally after a time of doing less. iyswim.

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