I’m back in court this morning with abusive ex and I’m nervous!

[Letdown16]

Round I’ve lost count now, maybe 6 or seven.

I’m in court again over child access. This time it’s the outcome over the section 7 report. Fact finding done and found to be guilty of the abuse so section 7 also come back only indirect contact at the moment.

He wants to challenge the section 7 as still saying I have made it all up and wants some direct contact. My barrister is going for a closure of the case until he has done the steps asked for.

I get so overwhelmed when I have to go to court, it drags it all up. He also makes me feel like maybe I am making it all up, perhaps he is right but I’m sure that’s just all the gaslighting.

I hate all this and want it to be over with now.

Don't allow his gaslighting to take charge. You know what you know. Head up, shoulders back. Be the strong woman you are.

It must be so difficult keeping going back to court and reliving it all. Hopefully today will be closure for a while. He can challenge but he needs to show evidence to back up any claims.

Deep breath, stare straight ahead.
Do not react at all, let your legal team do the talking.
Good luck 💐

How awful for you. You’re protecting your dc so that will give you the strength you need. All the best for today

Hope if went your way op.

No it didn’t go well. It’s been adjourned for a week until the Cafcass officer can attend the hearing. That was the last of my money so I need to do it un represented next week.

What a waste of £1500 for the barrister for the judge to do nothing.

Such a waste of money when it's adjourned! Can you use your solicitor instead? Yes they will charge but it will be a lot cheaper.

I can’t afford any of this to be honest, I’ve ran up a big debt with my solicitor already.

I’ve really just come to the conclusion he will never give up and I’m just delaying the inevitable really. They are seeking to get dad back with kids so any outcome will be rubbish. In the meantime they have a stressed out mum who is in debt trying to keep them safe when I can’t.

Ask the barrister you used for his notes, present them yourself. It will be ok.

Can you approach rightsofwomen.org.uk/ for assistance with representation.

Hey how are you feeling today?
Try and remember that they will always try to maintain contact if safe to do. Not having any contact will also be damaging for any child (I'm aware of that with my own children).
There will not be an ideal out come regardless of what it is. You some times have to roll with the punches. Xxxx

Yep @Justmeandme19 I am starting to realise this now, I can’t protect them from this and it’s heartbreaking, I should never have let this happen, I feel very responsible.

The other day my little girl who is 5 said to me you know back when I saw daddy (16 months ago now) he told me not to love you and my nanny that’s why I’ve been horrible to nanny. It’s literally killing me inside the thought of what he will do, he will try and ruin everything.

I think it might be useful to start talking to your children about what is nice and what is not nice. So 'telling you to not love someone was not nice of daddy was it?'. '

And maybe something like: You know mummy left daddy because he is not nice a lot of the time and I'd really like to be able to keep you away from him because I don't want him to be not nice to you. But the people in the court don't understand because they have not seen it so soon they might want you to see him sometimes. Just remember mummy loves you and you can talk talk to me anytime about how you are feeling'.

I'd also look into moving 2-3 hours away from him so that he cant be arsed travelling to see them much.

@Umberellatheweatha I would love to but I have already been in trouble with Cafcass because I told her that mummy can’t live with daddy because mummy was scared of daddy and sometimes this happens to people. This is when she asks why we don’t live together. Apparently I’m them forcing her to take sides.

So what? If they're giving him custody anyway then they give him custody, you might as well be honest with her. You should also have her tell cafcass what she has just told you daddy told her about not loving nana and you. Have her tell them. It's obviously way worse as it has played in her mind for 1.5 years!

If need be then you can keep the lesson about what is nice and what is not nice general so that she can make up her own mind about 'peoples' bad behaviour and learn to spot nasty people herself.

I think you need to try and keep it nutural. I get it I really do. I have had the same thing, eg Mummy's keeping you from me" I'm crying cos mummies mean to me" "I won't take you back to your grandma because I don't like her" my daughter cried her eyes out over the last comment, she was 5 at the time. I simply said "what do you think of granny?". And said well I like her too, that's Just daddies opinion.

I have some standard responses I give the children, but don't go into detail.
Were you hoping the court would say no contact? This is very very rare, indirect contact will test his commitment.
It's a bloody hard road to go down, just keep going. Xxx

@Justmeandme19 I don’t know what I’m expecting. My IDVA had seemed to think he would get bored and not continue and I’ve always said he will never give up because he needs a source to feed from, he needs the adoration.

He has indirect contact now but he hasn’t done it, no letters just 3 post cards with his face on in 7 months.

I thought that to, that he would never give up. But sometimes things change and they feel they are having some control by choosing not to continue.
Just keep the faith, you just want contact that is safe, what ever that might be.
Surely if the aligations have been confirmed and he already hasn't kept consistent contact then they carnt really move it forward? Did he ever see them in a contact centre??

he's still controlling your every thought, the Court should recognise these constant hearings as harassment, Im shocked for you OP .. its awful 🌸

Unfortunately it's often the courts that prospone a hearing but you still have to pay for your legal representation. I've had about 13 hearing and at least 3 adjourned. It's fine if you know in advanced, but that's often not the case. Often key people arnt pressent or reports haven't been completed. You end up feeling abused by the court system too.
I'm now finally at the end of all my hearing, the children are with me all the time, they are now safe. But it's really only about damage limitation as there isn't a perfect out come. The children miss their father and it inpacts their lives as well as mine.
The worse thing is that because it's private law and not public, I could change my mind and allow the children to see their father. It would not be the right thing as he's still abusive but he knows it's in my hands and this makes him even angrier!
You just need to keep on going. X

@Justmeandme19 no he didn’t see them in a contact Centre. Well they wouldn’t discuss the inconsistent contact o on Tuesday because he hasn’t been on the DAPP course so therefore he still has the “abusive” mind set that the course will if corse fix.

He actually said I had been inconsistent with my ordered contact. I send 3 photos once a month and I’ve just re-read and it was 3 initially at the hearing back in December and 1 a month after that so I’ve been sending too many and he says I’m inconsistent!

How are you OP 🌸

Ummm @QueenBee52 really I’ve had enough at the moment. I developed chronic fatigue about a 3 years ago, doctors said I was chronically stressed for too long and I’ve been triggered now since Tuesday so I’m exhausted. I can’t continue like this otherwise I won’t be able to parent or work or do anything. I don’t really know what to do.

If I continue with court and especially self representing I’m going to make myself very unwell but if I leave it and he just gets his way he will make my life hell with the same outcome to my health. He knows about my illness so will be looking to make me ill.

How is he allowed to bring these frivolous hearings.. its so wrong..

You sound like you know all his weaknesses.. use them 🌺

Please take care of yourself too OP ..

Im so sorry to read how distressing this is 🌸

This may help, it may not? A while ago I was that Father being denied access to my children. Allegations made against me from nowhere. Section 7 dismissed from Cafcass at first hearing. Thank goodness! Ex and solicitor dropped all allegations there and then. I could go on, and on and write a book about my experience.
In short, I was heartbroken and traumatised when I couldn’t see or be with my children.

You said that you can not afford further legal fees, do as my ex did and claim for legal aid. It cost me 14k +, and her...... zero.