Future faking?

[Rozziie]

Having ventured onto OLD and having had weirdly positive encounters so far (men being polite, not forward, etc.), I've had two messages from two different men tonight referencing stuff 'we' can do this summer or in the future. Men I have never even met or messaged before today!

This gives me the heeby jeebies and makes me want to unmatch. Am I overreacting? The ones I've talked to so far have been very laid back and haven't even suggested meeting 1-2 after weeks of chat (which is kind of the other extreme) so seeing some actual interest is nice but the future faking makes me a bit uncomfortable. Surely they should not be talking about any future plans whatsoever on the first day of messaging?

Yeah that's a bit much.

It's so weird it's happened twice in one day! The first one I'd already thought 'nah' and then the next one who seemed more promising started with it as well!

Why is OLD so hard?

I had one who wanted to meet the same day we started talking. Off-putting.

I think it very much depends upon the context and I wouldn’t necessarily see this as future faking. Depends on how it’s worded etc too.

Eg in a typical year if you both had that you liked X music and in August there was an X music festival near one of you mentioning the possibility of going together would not IMO be future faking, just a way of seeing if you like the same sort of thing? But in the context of agreeing to meet up soon or more general chat.

Others may disagree with me but I wouldn't actually call that future faking. Depending on the guy and sense of humour, I've had exchanges joking, 'okay so when we're married with the picket fence and the dog then...'

Future faking to me is when you're in a more seriousish relationships and they start promising all sorts and you genuinely believe it in a way you wouldn't at the stage you're at. Its devastating when it turns out to be lies, whereas if you don't speak to your OLD guys ever again after tonight you (hopefully) won't be crying into some ice cream watching a romantic movie and lamenting your lost soul mate

You have to chat to a lot of weirdos before any of them even make a date.
No talk of future plans other than planning the first date only, I wouldn't bother holding out hope for date after messaging for weeks, if they're that interested they'll meet soon as possible, all it does is build a false impression of what you think they are and you may not like them irl

Just unmatch if for any reason if they seem weird, lie, too keen, not keen enough 😂

I don't think it's future faking to talk about fun things you could do together this summer, given that it's already mid-June. It would be different if summer was several months away.

I don't think its future faking either. Its summer so it's fun to suggest summer thing to do with potential dating partners. Though I suppose it's a bit odd before even the first date.

Your bigger problem are the ones you are speaking to for weeks without arranging a date. If a guy hasn't asked me out by the end of the second convo with him tops, I ask him. If he stalls then I drop him. Don't waste time talking to ppl if you're looking to date.

Maybe I'm being too cautious, then. I've had some bad experiences with narcissists, so I'm very wary now the minute I get a whiff of someone hinting about anything to do with the future.

FYI the first comment was along the lines of 'you'll like my mum's cooking' and the other one was along the lines of 'we can go on holiday later in the year'....is this not a bit weird and forward for someone I only started messaging today? It's not 'let's go for a drink', which would be fine and normal.

I agree that convos that go on for days and days without a suggestion of a date are a waste of time...why do they do that?

@Ikeameatballs it wasn't just a suggestion, though, it was a kind of presumptuous statement...'we can go on holiday' sort of thing. As in, once we're a couple. That to me is future faking.

I agree that convos that go on for days and days without a suggestion of a date are a waste of time...why do they do that?

Keeping their options open for as long as possible or there're not who they say they are. Married or lying about something.

This one guy has now triple messaged me, asked when we can meet...it feels very pushy and is giving me a bit of anxiety, along with his general 'over familiar' vibe. The other guys I've been talking to have been very laid back, one message every day kind of thing, not at all pushy. One of the ones I was talking to before did suggest a date, I said I was away for a few weeks (true) and he said 'no worries, let me know when you're back' and then didn't push it again.

Am I being paranoid about the pushiness?

Suggesting a holiday is a bit much if you have hardly spoken!

Yea, he's too desperate, offering hols and wanting to meet asap is a bit much. Talking for weeks, also a bad idea. If going away and unavailable for weeks, why are you trying at the moment? Just pick it up again when you get back and can meet, after a week of chat I'd say.

@seensome keeping their options open for what? I don't get what the point is!

@Opentooffers I had to see family and was away for just under 2 weeks. I didn't even know if anyone would ask me on a date so figured it was fine! I've told that bloke I'm back but he hasn't replied so I guess he's met someone or no longer interested...shame as he seemed nice.

Ag yeah your update changes things. Swfunately weirdos if they are suggesting holidays when you've never even met haha.

And the pushy ones are likely narcissists.

I've had a few where I've clearly not replied or not replied in what they deem fast enough time so they message again. I automatically unmatched anyone that does that as they clearly don't respect your right to not choose them.

Dont take any shit.
If something makes you uncomfortable, block them. If they dont take initiative to ask you out, block them. If they cant wait for your response to their message without hastling you, block block block.

*definitely weirdos

The general suggestion for online dating is to meet fairly quickly as the long chatters tend to fizzle out/ just want a pen pal. I'd keep a keen eye on the ones talking about summer plans but wouldn't necessarily rule them out

This sort of thing is common with online dating and puts me off straight away. My profile says I like to travel and I’ve had messages such as ‘so where are we going to travel to?’ and also a guy I’d been chatting to but never met asked me in all seriousness to go to Morocco on holiday with him. Obviously this I run for the hills as it suggests they are not picky and are looking for just anyone to get involved with, and also I think it’s a kind of pressure like they aren’t prepared to let me decide what I think of them first.
I wouldn’t call it future faking though, to me future faking would be someone you are in a relationship with creating a false sense of security about where the relationship is going.

Agree, it's desperation rather than future faking

Listen to your gut. If what someone is saying seems too much then give them the swerve. You're in the early sift stages with these guys, most won't make it to interview.

Aghhh it's all so stressful. I've either got the long term texters/penpals or pushy overconfident ones...just my luck that the one time I had someone normal, who asked me out after a couple of days of messaging, I couldn't go!

What are people's impressions about me making the move to suggest going out? I always think I shouldn't do it because they'd ask if they were interested.

What sites/apps are you on? On bumble, as women have to message first anyway, I have no problem saying something in the spirit of bumble do you fancy a drink sometime this week? It might be a good thing for you to take a bit more control if it makes you uncomfortable when they move too fast?

If they seem decent and haven't asked me in a day or two, I ask them. Tinder is just an introductory area to arrange dates for me. Anyone who sees it differently i would filter out fast.

If you're the one asking then you need to make sure that they know it's about confidence. So on the date you could say 'no' to them about something, anything. It's a good way to show you are not just some codependent looking for any guy (And how they react to 'no' is always good to see).

And basically just go along with the mindset that you've proved your ability to take initiative and now they need to. So do they suggest a second date? Where and when? Ect...

Just keep it in mind that you are there to see if they suit you. Not to prove anything to them.

But yes, absolutely ask I say. Life is short!