Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Pregnant and so unhappy

42 replies

Mrsbiscuits81 · 14/06/2021 17:46

Hi everyone,

I am 12 weeks pregnant with a new partner, i already have 2 beautiful children with my ex husband. My partner has no previous children and has been desperate for this one. Without boring everyone i have had a very very challenging 2 years, and when i fell pregnant i dropped off a cliff spectacularly and was diagnosed with antenatal depression and a severe adjustment disorder. I was put on lots of meds. Its been the worst 7 weeks of my life without any question. I am finally coming out of it, feeling excited about my baby and being able to work again (i need my job desperately as i get no help with my other 2 kids from my ex) and start to move forward.

My relationship meanwhile has catastrophically fallen apart. I have never felt so alone. I am clear that i'm having this baby with or without him but my partner seems to have chosen now to 'assert himself' and has started saying he needs to do more things for himself, go out more, doesn't want to ask me if he wants to make plans and why should he, and when i try to explain how upsetting i find this, how alone i am feeling in my pregnancy he says i'm being unreasonable and i am wrong. And then refuses to discuss it anymore.

We are constantly in conflict and arguing and i am in tears all the time, its clearly very damaging for my mental health and at such a fragile time. My kids, particularly my older one has noticed i am not myself and is starting to worry about me which i've been desperately trying to mitigate but its so hard.

I really don't know what to do - he has waited 49 years for a baby and now its coming he seems to have no concept at all of re-arranging priorities or what support is if it doesn't take the form of making a cup of tea.

I'm so unhappy and worried. Any words of advice would be so gratefully received. xxx

OP posts:
BlueDaises · 14/06/2021 17:50

OP you still have options.

He is showing who he is.. and it is not very nice.. not a family man and what of your other two children suffering in all of this mess.

I'll say it again... you STILL have OPTIONS. 🌸🌷

BlueDaises · 14/06/2021 17:50

he sounds fucking vile TBH

Harriedharriet · 14/06/2021 17:53

This is very bad news indeed. You are only 12 weeks, and he has changed this much. It will get MUCH worse.

You do not have to have to proceed with this.

Yellowcrockpot · 14/06/2021 17:56

He hasn't waited 49 years for this baby, he clearly is panicking by the whole thing and showing you that he really doesn't want this responsibility!
This won't get any better...

What are your options?

Sometimesfraught82 · 14/06/2021 17:57

Oh dear OP
What a mess

How old are your children?

BlueDaises · 14/06/2021 17:57

He's not found someone willing to STAY with him long enough to give him a Child more like.

sparemonitor · 14/06/2021 17:59

Consider whether you want to keep this pregnancy. You can tell him it was a miscarriage. YOU HAVE CHOICES.

TakeYourFinalPosition · 14/06/2021 18:04

He hasn’t waited 49 years for this baby. If anything, he hasn’t been ready for 49 years; and he’s showing you that he still isn’t now.

What do you want, here? It looks very much like whatever decision you make, you’ll be doing it alone - so decide based on that.

BlueDaises · 14/06/2021 18:07

You are unhappy because this is not what you want my lovely. 🌸

Unanananana · 14/06/2021 18:09

I've seen it mentioned on here a number of times that abuse ramps up during pregnancy.

As far as he is concerned, you are now tied to him regardless of how he acts so he will do as he pleases.

Is that the sort of environment you want to raise an innocent child in? You do have options with regards to keeping the pregnancy. I hope to goodness you have a job and your own housing independent of him. If you choose to keep the baby, dump the twat. Think of your children.

Anotheruser02 · 14/06/2021 18:10

@sparemonitor

Consider whether you want to keep this pregnancy. You can tell him it was a miscarriage. YOU HAVE CHOICES.
This.
category12 · 14/06/2021 18:11

Sounds like he thinks he's "got" you and is allowing his mask to slip.

SixesAndEights · 14/06/2021 18:21

Like may others have said, whatever decisions you've made so far aren't set in stone, and you can make a different choice if you want to.

Flowers
Goodmum1234 · 14/06/2021 18:26

Hand holding. You choose what you need to do x

Original poster
Mrsbiscuits81 · 14/06/2021 18:29

Thank you everyone. I am so grateful just to have support, even from behind the keyboard! The confusing thing is that for the last 2 years he has been unbelievably supportive - through a difficult divorce and an abusive ex, through everything.

I have a very good job, but its very demanding and i pay for everything for the kids. If we split up i'd have to move as our house is too expensive on my own but i could certainly afford a very decent house for me and my boys (they are 6 and 10).

I don't know whats happened to him - i know the last few weeks have been unbearably hard as i've been suffering so many issues but its like he blames me for them; he's totally and utterly immovable on certain points - if i say i feel upset by something he literally tells me i am unreasonable for feeling that way without any thought for the fact that i can't be wrong for feeling something. I suggest we try to find a compromise or a middle way and he says i am wrong so thats not possible.

He has a very kind and giving side and has been a completely different person up until now - i am so baffled by who this person is and when he's spent so long telling me all he wants is a baby and now its here he is telling me 'he feels emasculated' and he 'needs more agency' - i don't even understand what he means by these things and he doesn't seem able to expand.

I appreciate i still have the option of abortion but i feel the implications of that on me will be enormous. I love babies, i love my kids, i could do this alone but i'd rather he had a wake up call and somehow became the person he's been for the last two years.....!

Thank you all so much, i can't tell you how much i appreciate the support xx

OP posts:
fantastaballs · 14/06/2021 18:29

As somebody that was with what I thought was a a good man, I can tell you first hand that pregnancy was when he flipped and became controlling and distant. I would panic, consider an abortion and he would throw me a crumb to keep me hooked. Then three days later he would do it again. My pregnancy was horrendous. He even made me sleep in the garden the night beefier I went in to be induced. Two kids, me going through psychosis and a break down and 2 1/2 years after i met him I thankfully got away from him. My eldest now has a personality disorder . She's beautiful but saw some horrific sights and while she was inside me I didn't know a seconds peace or security. I am 100% sure that that affected her development and current research into epigenetics suggests I am right.

If I was in your shoes I would not be having this baby. I would be putting my two children and my own happiness above him and a child. The child is a permanent link to him. He will be in your life forever. That is madness when he has shown his true colours so early.

BlueDaises · 14/06/2021 18:38

OP please do not stay with this Cretin.

Anotheruser02 · 14/06/2021 18:39

I read on here about men who are lovely for many more years than a couple and then drop the mask when there is a pregnancy or a small baby trapping the woman.

category12 · 14/06/2021 19:07

If you're staying, fgs don't let any of your financial independence slip, don't reduce hours or give up your job. And don't marry him.

TakeYourFinalPosition · 14/06/2021 19:29

I love babies, i love my kids, i could do this alone but i'd rather he had a wake up call and somehow became the person he's been for the last two years.....!

I was worried that you’d say that… and hold out for it. All I can say to that is that when someone shows you who they are, you should believe them.

He won’t be the first or last man who behave well for a long period of time and then turn abusive when they think they’ve got you tied down. Maybe that was always the plan, or maybe he’s just realised that actually, he doesn’t want a baby and a family, and that’s why he got to 49 without them… and he’s kicking off at you because you represent everything he doesn’t want.

But regardless, you need to make plans for him to not be around for this. I don’t think I’d be waiting for it to deteriorate further; given that his position doesn’t seem to have changed, but if you do, you need to have a strong, quick plan of action for when it does.

QuimKardashian · 14/06/2021 19:36

Please don't stay with an abusive man. Have you got parents to talk to?

Whatapalavaa · 14/06/2021 19:40

I'd be thinking about my choices very carefully whilst I still had them.

Onthemaintrunkline · 14/06/2021 20:07

@TakeYourFinalPosition

I love babies, i love my kids, i could do this alone but i'd rather he had a wake up call and somehow became the person he's been for the last two years.....!

I was worried that you’d say that… and hold out for it. All I can say to that is that when someone shows you who they are, you should believe them.

He won’t be the first or last man who behave well for a long period of time and then turn abusive when they think they’ve got you tied down. Maybe that was always the plan, or maybe he’s just realised that actually, he doesn’t want a baby and a family, and that’s why he got to 49 without them… and he’s kicking off at you because you represent everything he doesn’t want.

But regardless, you need to make plans for him to not be around for this. I don’t think I’d be waiting for it to deteriorate further; given that his position doesn’t seem to have changed, but if you do, you need to have a strong, quick plan of action for when it does.

This, especially the bit about turning abusive when he thinks he’s got you tied down. I’d say he’s always been like this, things have changed, now his REAL personality is coming out. As others have said you really do have options, apart from anything else, this child links you to this piece of rubbish for a whole lot of years! What a ghastly position to put yourself in.
Suzi888 · 14/06/2021 20:23

“'assert himself' and has started saying he needs to do more things for himself, go out more, doesn't want to ask me if he wants to make plans and why should he“- because you are in a relationship.Confused
I’d let him assert himself right out of my home, rent something and do as he damn well likes!

Could he have changed his mind about the baby
do you think? Is he having a mid life crisis? When you have a baby you generally don’t get to go out loads etc. If he wants to act single, then he needs to move out.

Sunflower1970 · 14/06/2021 20:57

I would terminate and get rid of him. He has showed his true colours