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Original poster

Pregnant and so unhappy

42 replies

Mrsbiscuits81 · 14/06/2021 17:46

Hi everyone,

I am 12 weeks pregnant with a new partner, i already have 2 beautiful children with my ex husband. My partner has no previous children and has been desperate for this one. Without boring everyone i have had a very very challenging 2 years, and when i fell pregnant i dropped off a cliff spectacularly and was diagnosed with antenatal depression and a severe adjustment disorder. I was put on lots of meds. Its been the worst 7 weeks of my life without any question. I am finally coming out of it, feeling excited about my baby and being able to work again (i need my job desperately as i get no help with my other 2 kids from my ex) and start to move forward.

My relationship meanwhile has catastrophically fallen apart. I have never felt so alone. I am clear that i'm having this baby with or without him but my partner seems to have chosen now to 'assert himself' and has started saying he needs to do more things for himself, go out more, doesn't want to ask me if he wants to make plans and why should he, and when i try to explain how upsetting i find this, how alone i am feeling in my pregnancy he says i'm being unreasonable and i am wrong. And then refuses to discuss it anymore.

We are constantly in conflict and arguing and i am in tears all the time, its clearly very damaging for my mental health and at such a fragile time. My kids, particularly my older one has noticed i am not myself and is starting to worry about me which i've been desperately trying to mitigate but its so hard.

I really don't know what to do - he has waited 49 years for a baby and now its coming he seems to have no concept at all of re-arranging priorities or what support is if it doesn't take the form of making a cup of tea.

I'm so unhappy and worried. Any words of advice would be so gratefully received. xxx

OP posts:
Harriedharriet · 14/06/2021 21:17

@fantastaballs

As somebody that was with what I thought was a a good man, I can tell you first hand that pregnancy was when he flipped and became controlling and distant. I would panic, consider an abortion and he would throw me a crumb to keep me hooked. Then three days later he would do it again. My pregnancy was horrendous. He even made me sleep in the garden the night beefier I went in to be induced. Two kids, me going through psychosis and a break down and 2 1/2 years after i met him I thankfully got away from him. My eldest now has a personality disorder . She's beautiful but saw some horrific sights and while she was inside me I didn't know a seconds peace or security. I am 100% sure that that affected her development and current research into epigenetics suggests I am right.

If I was in your shoes I would not be having this baby. I would be putting my two children and my own happiness above him and a child. The child is a permanent link to him. He will be in your life forever. That is madness when he has shown his true colours so early.

This x 1,000,000.

So sorry you lived through that.Flowers

SarahDarah · 14/06/2021 23:07

@Mrsbiscuits81 sorry other posters are not respecting your choice. Please don't feel you have to abort your baby because of your boyfriend's behaviour. I've PM'd you some suggestions for support Flowers

BlueDaises · 14/06/2021 23:20

[quote SarahDarah]@Mrsbiscuits81 sorry other posters are not respecting your choice. Please don't feel you have to abort your baby because of your boyfriend's behaviour. I've PM'd you some suggestions for support Flowers[/quote]

OP is being advised that she has OPTIONS.

Nobody has to stay in an abusive relationship because they are pregnant or have a baby/child.

Abusers do not change.

fantastaballs · 14/06/2021 23:20

@SarahDarah

The op hasn't said anywhere that she is 100% committed to continuing the pregnancy. If you fully read the two parts she says she would rather carry on but with his support . Let's be realistic, he won't change and if the op is already struggling with a severe adjustment disorder, two kids, antenatal anxiety, a pregnancy and god knows what else..... not a single person in the world would blame her for having an abortion. For putting herself and her two children first and prioritising being free of him and any link to him.

No body would do what he is doing if they cared. He sounds monstrous. You and your kids deserve better.

BlueDaises · 14/06/2021 23:21

@fantastaballs

too true 🌸

Onthedunes · 15/06/2021 00:36

I'm actually a little worried for you op, you have a man who has not had children and he is 49.

All he ever wanted was kids and when this dream arrives he acts as though he is a coward or an abuser.
Strange man, I would be wary of this one, he doesn't sound very mature.

I hope you find peace with your decision.

me4real · 15/06/2021 01:03

I've found that a fair few men are at their worst towards women when a woman needs them most.

I think it's that the men resent feeling obligated to be supportive.

I don't think that men with this trait can make good partners at all. Any major difficulties you have in life in future and he will behave in a similar way to what he's doing now @Mrsbiscuits81 Angry

Onthedunes · 15/06/2021 01:07

@me4real

Very much agree.

CirqueDeMorgue · 15/06/2021 01:30

Why the fuck is abortion pushed on people so much here? I'm pro-choice and have been through it myself but ffs, OP said nothing about wanting to terminate.

OP, get rid of your 'partner' before anything else.

BlueDaises · 15/06/2021 01:47

@CirqueDeMorgue

Why the fuck is abortion pushed on people so much here? I'm pro-choice and have been through it myself but ffs, OP said nothing about wanting to terminate.

OP, get rid of your 'partner' before anything else.

OP has OPTIONS... just like every person who finds themselves in a situation like this... ie living with an Abuser...

me4real · 15/06/2021 01:49

@CirqueDeMorgue I think people were just saying to OP that it's ok for her to consider that option if she wants to.

And that having a child with a man does mean you tend to have to have something to do with him long-term, which can be difficult.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 15/06/2021 04:32

A partner shows you their true character when you are at your most vulnerable and in need of their love.

This is who he is. In your darkest days, his priority is himself and not supporting you or being a team.

Assume you will be a single parent as this relationship cannot survive and be healthy for you or the kids, and act accordingly.

You have choices and if termination isn't one for you then another one is to break up with him and focus on your existing kids and baby then co-parenting but not being a couple. It sounds like he'll be a disney dad at best as he's not a 'when the going gets tough' kind of guy.

Having a single but happy, secure and healthy parent is so much better for children than growing up seeing a dysfunctional, unequal and unhealthy relationship they will then likely replicate as adults.

Sorry he's been such a prick, he sounds a awful and you and your children deserve more Thanks

Newstaronhorizon · 15/06/2021 05:18

Your poor children have this abusive twat as their dad role model which is going to ruin their childhoods if you don't get him out. He has chanced because this is the real him. Your poor DC op! Do you want them thinking this is normal respectful male behaviour that they will replicate for their own partners one day?
I cannot tell you how damaging having him in the home is with the impressionable young.

As soon as he changed he needs to go. Please put your DC first here!

They deserve to have a safe, tranquil, loving home life with only kind, thoughtful and loving people people.

Where is your tiger mother instinct to protect your young who depend utterly on you ?

Why are you not protecting them from this?

You are desperately unhappy and is your instinct telling you how wrong this all this and how physically and mentally damaging this is for everyone dependent on you.

You do know what to do. We are your handhold.

Bodgers · 15/06/2021 05:42

Couldn’t agree more @CirqueDeMorgue - really shocked at the deluge of responses suggesting this

category12 · 15/06/2021 05:59

But tying oneself to a man through a baby means she could end up with him in her life for the rest of her life, and co-parenting with an abusive man is a nightmare. Not just for her, but the potential child in the middle of it - and, don't forget, she has 2 children already who will be affected by it.

Of course it's her choice. There's a lot at stake either way.

Cocogreen · 15/06/2021 07:57

I'm so sorry for your situation.
My take on is that when his life was cruisy - you were working in a good job, financially comfortable etc he was Mr Fabulous. Now he's seen you very unwell and vulnerable and he doesn't want the burden of a dependent wife and baby.
Wishing you well, whatever choice you make is yours alone to make. As far as I'm concerned he's lost any rights regarding this pregnancy. Arsehole.

fantastaballs · 15/06/2021 08:25

@Cocogreen I couldn't agree more.

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