Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Staying in touch after breakup

35 replies

Malena77 · 14/06/2021 12:39

My LTR just ended (in a nutshell - I finally stopped believing in his future faking and promises of change). Ex wants to stay in contact (txts, calls) and stay friends. I’ve realised that though I miss him it actually doesn’t help me move on and just reignites the mixture of sadness, anger and grief over the time wasted on this relationship.
I’m thinking of going NC. What do others do when a relationship is over?

OP posts:
30degreesandmeltinghere · 14/06/2021 12:46

If he treated you badly why would you still consider him a friend?
Nc all the way ime.

Michaelangelo467 · 14/06/2021 12:54

He shouldn’t get the benefit of your friendship and love - this ‘friendship’ would just be an elongation if a relationship that has run its course. You will find it so much easier to move on properly without the friendship he desires for himself.

idontlikealdi · 14/06/2021 12:55

He's not a friend, you go NC.

LoopTheLoops · 14/06/2021 13:01

He’s just saying that for now, he will drop you when he meets someone new

Original poster
Malena77 · 14/06/2021 13:03

I think he wants to stay in touch to feel good about himself (‘I’m a good ex despite the fact that she broke up with me’) but he presents it as ‘we’ve been through so much together and I still care about you’. It’s hard to buy the latter: surely if he cared enough about the relationship he’d put an effort to make it work?

OP posts:
PinkMendinilla · 14/06/2021 13:08

Unless it has genuinely fizzled out into friendship then no, I wouldn't really stay in touch with a long term ex. This guy had his chance to have you in his life and he messed it up, now he wants to keep you around and it isn't helping you move on.

tinysundancer · 14/06/2021 14:22

If it was a toxic relationship then no. You have to ask yourself what he would bring to your life as a friend - what qualities does he have to make a good friend if he was a lousy partner
I was in a similar position and the ex wanted to remain 'friends' it just would not have worked as he lied and cheated on me - he does not deserve my time or friendship
make a clean break

BraxtonChic · 14/06/2021 14:30

NC all the way OP.

You will get nothing from this proposed "friendship" and almost certainly end up feeling used, whether it be as an ego stroke / to lessen his guilt / back up when he's got nothing better to do / someone to bore senseless about his latest failing relationship etc etc

No need to be kind when he couldn't be bothered to commit or come through on promises.

Colourmeclear · 14/06/2021 17:24

In my last break up I kept contact but reduced it over time until he forgot about me. He was absuive though and I was scared to just cut him off. He kept in touch mostly to tell me about his new partner and how awful I had been. If you have the courage to go NC then go NC, there's not much to be gained if he isn't even friendship material.

seensome · 14/06/2021 17:42

He is a fake person, future faking now he wants a fake friendship with you.
You are right to want no contact so if that means blocking him to stop him contacting you then do it.
I don't stay friends with ex's

SomewhatSalty · 14/06/2021 22:39

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ILoveShula · 14/06/2021 22:54

Block him on your phone, e-mail and social media.

Ohpulltheotherone · 14/06/2021 23:15

You can care about someone but not be in contact.

Going no contact doesn’t mean that you don’t care about them and wish them well, you don’t need to be “friends” or in contact under some guise of caring about each other.

It’s really rare that you can transition straight to a genuine friendship from a relationship, probably impossible for most.

Cut ties, wish him well and tell him you want space to let go of the relationship.

I agree with PP - he’ll be your friend whilst you help him get through the change and he’ll drop you as soon as he meets someone else

30degreesandmeltinghere · 14/06/2021 23:18

You will be branded the crazy one who can't let go...

Lovelydiscusfish · 15/06/2021 06:44

The only Ex from an LTR I am still in touch with is DD’s dad. We are good friends now but it was hard for both of us to start with (but obviously we had to do it because of Dd).

I inexplicably initially tried to stay “friends” with my most recent ex, even tho he was an abusive narc. It was definitely bad for me (and possibly for him too) and really delayed the healing process. We are happily NC now, and this has really helped me see him and his behaviour more clearly, which has been great.

If in a few years you wanted to reach out to your ex and see if some form of friendship might work, that would remain a possibility. But for now I would go NC if you can. I had life-coaching after my break-up, and my LC was insistent that you can’t be friends with your exes immediately - never works. At the time I was sceptical, but now I am much of his opinion.

Original poster
Malena77 · 15/06/2021 07:10

Thank you all.
@30degreesandmeltinghere - I think I’ll be the crazy one no matter what I do (‘she can’t let go’ or ‘she can’t handle breakup peacefully and going NC is SO dramatic’).
He didn’t see the breakup coming.
I think for my well-being it’s better to cut all ties in the way @Ohpulltheotherone suggested….

OP posts:
Sakurami · 15/06/2021 11:21

First, don't consider him or how he feels or what he thinks. It doesn't matter.

Second, anyone who cared about you wouldn't want to hurt you - an ex I loved but was no longer in love with, i went really low contact with until he was happily in another relationship. I didnt want to give him any false hopes or impede him from moving on.

Third - if you still have feelings then moving on will be a lot harder if he's still in your life. - I went no contact with a guy I'd been seeing last year because I didn't see it progressing and I knew that whilst we were still messaging and seeing each other, I wasn't open to anyone else. Luckily, soon after I started talking to my amazing boyfriend.

InnaBun · 15/06/2021 11:22

You don't owe him friendship and he doesn't get it both ways. He can't hurt you and then stay in touch with you.

NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 15/06/2021 11:35

I have only maintained any sort of friendship with one serious ex, and it needed a lengthy period of NC first. Regardless of how and why the breakup happened, IMO both parties need this absolute boundary in order to create and normalise new separate lives, new patterns (eg not being the person you text as soon as you see something interesting/relevant), go through whatever loss/grief/anger/disappointment stuff, lots of water under the bridge, have a clear personal narrative around what happened and being comfortable with that. Once you reach that point, you can make a sensible decision about what role (if any) your ex can play in your life. Someone who is capable of one day being a good friend would absolutely accept this boundary.

I maintained vague contact with a different ex for a bit (she had been a close friend before, and after a few months it became clear to us both that it had been an error of judgment to try having a relationship). It fizzled out and we went NC slowly, painfully, and without any direct conversation about it. I'm not sure whether that friendship would have been salvageable if we'd separately properly at first - maybe not.

And finally, I stayed in contact with an abusive ex for a bit because I was too frightened not to, and it felt like a way of placating her and assuaging my own guilt about leaving. That was stupid and is not an approach I'd recommend.

Glitterb · 15/06/2021 12:06

No, he isn’t your friend and he only wants that to make himself feel better.

NC is hard, but much better for you in the long run, trust me!

Original poster
Malena77 · 15/06/2021 12:49

Thank you all. I’m actually angry atm - he left a voicemail commenting on how beautiful my new fb profile photo is. Wtf.
What do I do with social media?
I want an amicable ‘let go and move on’ but I feel my boundaries will constantly be tested 😠.

OP posts:
InnaBun · 15/06/2021 12:53

Block him

InnaBun · 15/06/2021 12:54

You can even say you think it's best for you that you both cut all contact for now.

seensome · 15/06/2021 13:13

Sometimes it's not possible to be amicable after a break up, especially a future faker, why would you want to be on friendly terms with him anyway. Don't accept his breadcrumbs of compliments here and there, he's probably hoping you wont mind being demoted to an occasional fb. Block him off.

Phillo7 · 15/06/2021 13:21

@Malena77

Thank you all. I’m actually angry atm - he left a voicemail commenting on how beautiful my new fb profile photo is. Wtf. What do I do with social media? I want an amicable ‘let go and move on’ but I feel my boundaries will constantly be tested 😠.
You block him, its perfectly reasonable to want a clean break at the end of a relationship even without your boundaries being tested. If he was reasonable he might be hurt but he would completely understand. He knows exactly what he's doing by leaving that voicemail, so don't engage with his power plays and ignore. He knows you'll be wanting to keep things amiable and trying to use that to his advantage. It doesn't matter how he paints you to other people, most people with enough life experience soon come to realise that if someone paints all their Exes as crazy then its really not the Exes that are the problem...
Swipe left for the next trending thread