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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to stop the mind games....

73 replies

seekingfreedom · 14/06/2021 11:05

Long story short....I'm in a sexual and emotionally abusive relationship with my husband. He is also a very controlling man. I know I am in this sort of relationship and I am working on a way out. I'm just in a very difficult and different situation. I have however reached out to womans aid and we are communicating via email.

Anyway....

Last week I told him I want to split up and separate. The news didn't go down too well as you can imagine.

As we are travelling the UK (His idea not mine) I am with him 24/7. We no longer have a home. We travel in our car, sometimes wild camp other times stay in hotels or campsites. I am finding the 24/7 bit very hard.

He did the whole 'we can't split up', 'I don't know what I would do without you', 'I can't be on my own' speech.

We have a son who is 7 and is homeschooling (always has been) we have seen a massive improvement in his learning since travelling.
Husband does not want our son to come from a 'broken home ' (like he did) and suggests carrying on but as friends rather than husband/wife.

I thought ok, while I speak to Women's aid and get things together this could work. He promised to stop drinking (he drinks anywhere from 10-20 cans of carling at least 4-5times a week.) And he promised to not touch me or kiss me etc. Thought great, his touch repulses me anyway. Plus other promises too.

However, it did not last for long. He started touching me again, I told him no. In the end, he asked if a hug is OK, I said every now and again (falling for it).

He controls our food. He thinks we can live off a diet of fruit and cereal. I told him he's out of his mind and our son can't just eat that. He went on and on and got his own way in the end however I did manage to persuade him to add more food to our son diet. Thank goodness.

This morning I woke up to him asking me to compromise on sex. I said no at first and he was blaming me for the 'bombshell' I gave him the other day. He then said once I week I will get myself ready, lube you up, and pop it in and it will be over in a few seconds. I told him no again and that he's just using me. Of course, he went on and on about how unfair it is that I wanted to separate etc and in the end, I just snapped and said yes once a week is fine. I feel stupid for giving in.

How can I stop giving in to his mind games?

I think the only real answer is to somehow leave completely.

That will be so hard if we are together 24/7 and we have very little money. Currently, I have a small online business that brings in around £700 a month which is enough for fuel and food and a few days out but that's it.

I was brave enough to tell him I do not love him and want to separate, I need to be brave to leave now. arghhhh.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 14/06/2021 11:10

Do you have any family or friends you can stay with? It doesn’t sound safe to be around him

SurelyNott · 14/06/2021 11:11

WTF. This is awful and your poor poor son!

It’s actually fairly simple, more simple in fact as you don’t have a home and your business is online.

Wait until the evil pisshead is asleep, call a fucking Uber and make them take you to the nearest council office/refuge/police station and tell them everything you just said. Then get moved as far away as physically possible from the man and never allow him to have your new phone number, or address or have any social media.

Just GO

ComtesseDeSpair · 14/06/2021 11:12

It all sounds like a very odd situation, and presumably you’ll need to find a base soon because how are you going to keep operating an online business whilst wild camping / sleeping in your car without broadband?

Where were you living before you decided to leave? Can you return there and apply to the council as homeless, even if it means temporary accommodation initially? If your income is low, you can apply for benefits which would enable you to rent a home. Since you don’t have one right now and presumably have minimal belongings with you anyway, it shouldn’t be physically difficult to “leave” your husband and get yourself a more permanent base, you don’t need his permission.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 14/06/2021 11:13

Get in the car with your son, drive it back to the local authority area you last lived in and present at the housing office asking for emergency accommodation. Leave him in the tent if necessary.
This situation is utterly toxic and you need to end it.

ComtesseDeSpair · 14/06/2021 11:14

Do it for your son, work up the courage for that. It’s no life for a child sleeping in a car, is it? Sooner or later it will come to the attention of social services that it’s a totally inappropriate lifestyle for him - it would be better if you approached them for help first.

SurelyNott · 14/06/2021 11:15

Actually yes is it your car? Leave the man in the tent, drive away. And if your complication is your own feelings about it then sorry but your son needs you a lot more and some stability.

Original poster
seekingfreedom · 14/06/2021 11:21

@ComtesseDeSpair

It all sounds like a very odd situation, and presumably you’ll need to find a base soon because how are you going to keep operating an online business whilst wild camping / sleeping in your car without broadband?

Where were you living before you decided to leave? Can you return there and apply to the council as homeless, even if it means temporary accommodation initially? If your income is low, you can apply for benefits which would enable you to rent a home. Since you don’t have one right now and presumably have minimal belongings with you anyway, it shouldn’t be physically difficult to “leave” your husband and get yourself a more permanent base, you don’t need his permission.

We have a mobile data thing that is actually really good! Much better than the broadband we had a home funny enough. All I need is a 4g signal and it works. There has only been a couple of occasions I have had no signal.

We are currently in the southwest, we use to live in the northwest, bit of a drive back but I would love to return to the area we use to live in.

Thing is with my husband he follows me everything, even to the bathroom when we are on campsites. He goes nowhere by himself.

OP posts:
Original poster
seekingfreedom · 14/06/2021 11:23

@SurelyNott

WTF. This is awful and your poor poor son!

It’s actually fairly simple, more simple in fact as you don’t have a home and your business is online.

Wait until the evil pisshead is asleep, call a fucking Uber and make them take you to the nearest council office/refuge/police station and tell them everything you just said. Then get moved as far away as physically possible from the man and never allow him to have your new phone number, or address or have any social media.

Just GO

do ubers come out to the middle of nowhere? I don't know the area I am in, would be much easier in the city!
OP posts:
Original poster
seekingfreedom · 14/06/2021 11:25

Can I just turn up at a police station and state everything that has happened and ask for help? Thinking that may be my best bet when we are in a larger town than we are now.

Asking for help/services/police etc is all very new to me and I do not really know what is out there.

OP posts:
Sarahlou63 · 14/06/2021 11:25

Didn't you post about this a couple of weeks ago??

TabithaTiger · 14/06/2021 11:26

This sounds horrendous. This is no way to live OP, and certainly no way for a child to live. Even without the abuse, living in a car/tent permanently must be very unsettling.

Do you have family/ friends who you could email and ask for help? Does he monitor your online activity?

ComtesseDeSpair · 14/06/2021 11:27

Where in the south west are you? If you’re near a campsite then there must be some kind of public transport. And there must be plenty of people around - surely your husband won’t dare cause a scene in front of dozens of other campers? Pack a bag each for you and your son, walk to the nearest bus stop or station and get out. If he follows you, keep on telling him loudly to leave you alone or you will call the police.

ComtesseDeSpair · 14/06/2021 11:29

And if you have really good mobile data then it will be easy to find out exactly where you are, where the nearest transport is, and whether you can access an Uber.

Roadtrip2018 · 14/06/2021 11:33

I saw your other post when staying in the car park. You know what you have to do if not for yourself then for your son. I hope you find the strength to leave and get the support you need.
People posting on your previous thread pointed out the safeguarding issues. You have a duty of care to your son. Please find the strength Flowers

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 14/06/2021 11:37

Download the app What 3 Words on your phone. Contact Womens Aid. If necessary get an Uber, using the What3Words which will tell them exactly where you are. Get the police if you need to. I would have thought it may be possible to go to a local refuge, at least temporarily. But get away from this creepy sexual abuser.

dreamingbohemian · 14/06/2021 11:38

Your son is being abused and you are letting it happen

If you are emailing Women's Aid can they not get the police to you?
Can you not call the police when he's asleep or in the toilet?

You think there is no escape but there is, you just have to want to do it.

BootsieBarns · 14/06/2021 11:50

Op give your head a wobble. This is no life for a child. Get a grip, stop being wishy washy and get the hell out of there. If you don't put your child first you could end up losing him. This is serious and not a case of relationship advice but of child welfare.

Be a mother and put your son first.

ExplodingCarrots · 14/06/2021 11:54

As you were told last time ...you need to get out of there and fast. This is not a life for your son. Is he in the car when you're being coerced into sex ? Get yourself to the nearest police station and explain your situation.

DumplingsAndStew · 14/06/2021 12:04

Thing is with my husband he follows me everything, even to the bathroom when we are on campsites.

That has changed since your previous posts. Has this become more extreme since he got indication that you were wanting to leave? Be very careful, leaving an abusive man can be the most dangerous time.

If you have a passport, driving licence etc, make sure to keep them on you at all times. Son's birth certificate if you have it. Next time you and son are not with him, you leave. Either you escape when he is sleeping or passed out in a drunken stupor and head to a police station, or if you are using the bathrooms at a supermarket, you find customer services and you tell them you need them to get help for you. People WILL help you.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 14/06/2021 12:08

IIRC, don't Boots have a system where you can ask to see the person who does health checks/blood pressure/etc and can ask for help and they will access it for you. Will go and have a google. Otherwise, yes, if he is passed out drunk, that's an opportunity.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 14/06/2021 12:11

Yes, here it is

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 14/06/2021 12:12

Maybe claim a womens or blood pressure problem.

username0489 · 14/06/2021 12:27

OP you are already in contact with Women's Aid. Let them know you want out and they'll hopefully find you a refuge space.

Other options:
Book a cab from the campsite and get yourself checked into a cheap hotel www.lastminute.com/hotels/cheap.html That's a link for Last Minute.com

If you go to Boots, you'll get taken to a room where you can make phone calls in private but you're already in contact with a domestic abuse organisation.

OP you never tell an abuser you are leaving them because they tend to escalate the abuse as they are losing control. He is trying to coerce you into sex which is rape. Email your support worker at WA, explain that he is trying to coerce you into sex and ask for help.

ComtesseDeSpair · 14/06/2021 12:30

OP, where are your parents? You went to stay with then last year and told then about some of the abuse, and they wanted you to leave him permanently. Can they come and help get you away? You did it once, gather the strength to do it again.

cinders15 · 14/06/2021 12:34

The scheme asking for help is to ask for ani
So go to a Boots, and ask for ani
Tell him it is a menstrual problem or something