How to stop the mind games....

[seekingfreedom]

Long story short....I'm in a sexual and emotionally abusive relationship with my husband. He is also a very controlling man. I know I am in this sort of relationship and I am working on a way out. I'm just in a very difficult and different situation. I have however reached out to womans aid and we are communicating via email.

Anyway....

Last week I told him I want to split up and separate. The news didn't go down too well as you can imagine.

As we are travelling the UK (His idea not mine) I am with him 24/7. We no longer have a home. We travel in our car, sometimes wild camp other times stay in hotels or campsites. I am finding the 24/7 bit very hard.

He did the whole 'we can't split up', 'I don't know what I would do without you', 'I can't be on my own' speech.

We have a son who is 7 and is homeschooling (always has been) we have seen a massive improvement in his learning since travelling.
Husband does not want our son to come from a 'broken home ' (like he did) and suggests carrying on but as friends rather than husband/wife.

I thought ok, while I speak to Women's aid and get things together this could work. He promised to stop drinking (he drinks anywhere from 10-20 cans of carling at least 4-5times a week.) And he promised to not touch me or kiss me etc. Thought great, his touch repulses me anyway. Plus other promises too.

However, it did not last for long. He started touching me again, I told him no. In the end, he asked if a hug is OK, I said every now and again (falling for it).

He controls our food. He thinks we can live off a diet of fruit and cereal. I told him he's out of his mind and our son can't just eat that. He went on and on and got his own way in the end however I did manage to persuade him to add more food to our son diet. Thank goodness.

This morning I woke up to him asking me to compromise on sex. I said no at first and he was blaming me for the 'bombshell' I gave him the other day. He then said once I week I will get myself ready, lube you up, and pop it in and it will be over in a few seconds. I told him no again and that he's just using me. Of course, he went on and on about how unfair it is that I wanted to separate etc and in the end, I just snapped and said yes once a week is fine. I feel stupid for giving in.

How can I stop giving in to his mind games?

I think the only real answer is to somehow leave completely.

That will be so hard if we are together 24/7 and we have very little money. Currently, I have a small online business that brings in around £700 a month which is enough for fuel and food and a few days out but that's it.

I was brave enough to tell him I do not love him and want to separate, I need to be brave to leave now. arghhhh.

Also OP if you don't know where you are, then use google maps and type in the name of the campsite and it will show you. You can see what services there are locally including cab services and police stations.

As suggested an alternative is to present at your local police station or council. Tell them you are fleeing domestic abuse and you're not safe. They are linked up to local DV services who can help you from there.

I think getting help from police either by phoning them or getting to a police station is your best plan.

Go back to your parents.

Do not tell him you're leaving him. Act like everything is ok and don't let on you're leaving.

Use the map to find out your location and if there is anything near there. There must be something as he gets booze so much he wouldn't be that far from that.

See if there is an uber or taxi to come get you and take you to a safe place. Then take the train to your parents or somewhere they can pick you up.

Once you get to your parents, change you phone number and never speak to him again. Do it for your son.

Buy a ticket online and escape?
Email or text a friend or family
"Your parent needs you something has happened and you must return."
Anyone drinking a lot will usually fall asleep then you can leave.
Why are you living by travelling around with someone you do not like with your son?
With the internet the world is your oyster for information

You can get a rail ticket to a refuge, free of charge, via womens aid here

Call the police. You will be able to top up your income with Universal Credit (which you could do now anyway) and if you register homeless at a council you will get help with finding somewhere to live through going into temporary accomodation or through a refuge. If he won't leave you alone even to go to the bathroom that is harrassment or stalking and the police will help you to get away.

You were given plenty of advice a few days ago and told how to leave and who to contact. Contact the police.

I hope to god you haven't been having sex with him in the car in front of your son.

I'm assuming, from what you've written, that your H doesn't allow you access to internet/money/phone without him looking over your shoulder while you use these ? Does he then keep them out of your reach while he sleeps/ goes to the toilet etc ?

If there truly is not one minute of the day or night that you feel able to escape with your child, then you need to make your move the very next time you are somewhere public.

It would be preferable to get to a Boots pharmacy and ask for Ani, but would he keep your DC with him while you went for 'insurance' to make sure you couldn't just not go back ?

If so, then you're going to have to find another way. But you must ask strangers for help if you are to escape from him.

Doesn't matter if it's in a shop, at a petrol station or at the next campsite reception, wherever there are a few other people present, (preferably big men or lots of people) that's where you'll need to make your move.
Keep your child next to you, holding their hand tightly, then say calmly to whoever is there ''Can you please phone the police for me ? I'm leaving this man, who has been abusing me for years, and I need the help of the police''

The police will help you and so will all the other agencies. You can then phone your parents, who can come and collect you.

I echo what the above poster says, go somewhere where there are lots of people and ask for the police or say you need tampons, paracetamol and go to Boots and ask for ANI. He has threatened to rape you, that is a crime.

I remember your last thread where you were insisting that your son was fine and happy living in the car and I see you are still claiming how well he is doing homeschooling. It's still all about you here.

Contact the police and get help now. Your son is not fine living in a car watching your husband coerce you into having sex. God knows what psychological damage he is experiencing by this, please do this for him if not for yourself.

It's so sad, I can only think that you told him your plans to leave because deep down you were still hoping he'd miraculously stop being abusive at that point. Therefore, you accepted and believed his promises all too easily.
His abuse is off the scale, he's too far gone to just snap out of it, he's proved that. Now he follows you to the toilet. Just go next time he's in a pissed up stupour ( I'd spike his beers if possible, to make extra sure if possible).

You need to take the advice you were given last time and leave to protect your son. I'm sorry to be harsh but your posts are all about you and your son is just an after thought caught up in this bat shit insanity.

Please get help, take your poor son and leave because come winter you may find social services asking questions as to why you're dragging this poor kid around the country. Children need stability and routine

I remember your other thread. Wasn’t it deleted (not sure why?)

This is not a way of life suitable for a child.

Make sure you change it so that your work money goes into your own personal bank account if it doesn't already.

As pp said, you'll likely get an income top up via universal credit. And child support if they can get it off him.

Just do whatever it takes to get away from the creep.

OP, you’ve already left him once. You can do it again.

@seekingfreedom

I hope every time you post about this, then disappear, you are getting a step closer to making that break, before it is too late - for you and your son.

Help is available for you, you need to ask for it though.

You can't stop the mind games. You have to leave him, for the sake of you and your son.

You've left him before - you can do it again.

Your homeless and trapped with an abuser.

Please call shelter on 08088004444.

They are open 8-8 weekdays

@jaysus6000

I hope to god you haven't been having sex with him in the car in front of your son.

100% this.

You know this isn’t healthy in ANY way for your son.

@BootsieBarns

Op give your head a wobble. This is no life for a child. Get a grip, stop being wishy washy and get the hell out of there. If you don't put your child first you could end up losing him. This is serious and not a case of relationship advice but of child welfare.

Be a mother and put your son first.

This, a gazillion times. Where on earth is your son when your husband is coercing you into sex? Or when you’re actually having sex? Why are you allowing him to starve your son? You need to phone the police up now and ask them to come o[and collect you as he is attempting to rape you in the presence of your child.

Yes I remember it too @Sarahlou63

So where are you with womens aid OP and what have they advised.

Your tone reads like you think it's a game, like I said to you before social services would be allover this like a rash.

I also asked you last time and you didn't respond. Do you want this man out if your life for good or are you just pissed off with him in your face 24/7 due to the circumstances. Also do you have any mental health issues at all?

Same as with your last thread: you have to actually leave him. That's it. Stop wasting energy being defensive and leave him.

An abusive home is a broken one.

I think the only real answer is to somehow leave completely.

The advice on how to do that hasn't changed since your last thread.

The importance of you doing so remains the same. Lots of people have spent a great deal of time giving you careful and useful advice. It's down to you to act.