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Original poster

Is this even forgiveable

36 replies

Whattodo4 · 13/06/2021 21:27

Heavily pregnant, and found out my DH has been messaging his ex saying how he misses her. They were talking (secretly) and trying to iron over past issues (ended on bad terms) and he wrote her a long letter which he read to her over the phone, I have never seen the words as it was discussed over a call. His ex seemed to appreciate it and “all the things he said” and he said “talking to you makes me feel good”. They said they missed each other. He’s being shady about what else was on this big declaration, so I’ll never actually know.

We’ve been together 5 years in total. My stomach sank when I came across this conversation between them. I would’ve been none the wiser had I not been on his phone for something else. Is this ever forgiveable? Or are these signs of a shady, untrustworthy person that I should no longer invest time in? I’m due to give birth to our baby and I just feel so betrayed :(

OP posts:

cakecakecheese · 13/06/2021 21:31

I suppose it could be forgivable if he stopped contacting her, was very remorseful etc but could you really get past this as it's basically an emotional affair? It's such a betrayal.

Titslikepicassos · 13/06/2021 21:33

Sorry OP, what a shit thing to discover especially when pregnant.

It would be a dealbreaker for me and I'd be telling him to leave.

How do you feel? What has your partner said about all of this?

GertietheGherkin · 13/06/2021 21:39

So you are pregnant, and you and your husband are just about to enter a whole new chapter of your lives by becoming parents?
And....
Your husband is carrying on with his ex? Saying they make him feel good? Putting past upsets to rest?
He's moved on from them. His life is with you now, so why is he cosying up to his ex? Simply put, he's not over them.

How would you even want to forgive this? He's used the time that you are vulnerable, and pregnant with his unborn child to betray you.

Gazelda · 13/06/2021 21:53

How has he responded now you've found out?

I'll be honest, I don't think I could forgive. Equally, I don't know how I'd find the energy to end a marriage while pregnant. But it won't be much of a marriage now that he's betrayed you.

EnfieldRes · 13/06/2021 22:07

If i'm honest, I would try and forgive this IF he is sorry, takes responsibility, understands nothing like this can happen again.

It sounds like he needed a bit of closure on something before moving in to a new (the most important) chapter of his life. I know I was a bag of emotions just before becoming a mum for the first time.

It's really upsetting to find messages like this. I'm not minimising the hurt you must be feeling. He shouldn't have engaged in this sort of conversation with an ex or kept secrets.

I guess you need to look at the relationship as a whole and see if you think you could move forward.

JamieLeeBee · 13/06/2021 22:13

I had something similar, let my ex sweet talk me (he was very good at that)

Turns out he, the ex, and many other women were carrying on behind my back while I pretty much raised my child alone whilst suffering from PND. He ran off with one of them eventually but never again am I giving second chances.

If you do stay, I truly do hope you have a happier ending than I did. Would have saved mysrlf and child a hell of a lot of pain if i had ended it when the first warning sign arose :(

Pegsonstrings · 13/06/2021 22:14

Naw I would not forgive this. I mean how would he react if the shoe was on the other foot? Or even if this was your best friend asking this? What would you advise her? X

LostSocksBrigade · 13/06/2021 22:27

I would probably leave, the trust is so beyond damaged. This should have been the happiest time of your lives together. I'd consider not putting him on the birth certificate either, with the issues I had with my ex and our child I wished I hadn't.

mineofuselessinformation · 13/06/2021 22:36

I'm so sorry OP, but I can't see any scenario where he could make this right. He's basically saying he wants her, when he's with you and you are having his baby.
That's not right at all.

sunnyzweibrucken · 13/06/2021 22:54

I had an ex contact me out of the blue and we had an ongoing conversation for a few days until his wife found out. I never heard from him again so I assume she forgave him because they are still together. So I guess it’s a forgivable offense if they promise never to do it again. I’m not sure if I would be as forgiving though if I was in that situation.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/06/2021 22:59

Of course this isn't forgivable. Your husband is having an affair, and from the sounds of it has one foot out the door.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 13/06/2021 23:00

I would be far more forgiving of him getting a ONS than this emotional drama llama bullshit.

There are some men who will happily impregnate a woman but then decide they don't actually want to do any of the parenting. They just want to spread their seed 🤮

In your shoes, I'd assume he's not going to stick around. Line up a reliable birth partner. What's the living situation?

Opentooffers · 13/06/2021 23:02

I say you have had second thoughts about the marriage and suggest he stays with relatives or friends for a few days, because you need time to think. See how he likes that. Fantasy collides with reality, he will either step up and be sorry, or he won't, then you will know.

Shesheadingonin · 13/06/2021 23:29

My first ever boyfriend (lasted 10 years) contacted me when he found out I was divorcing. He’s in a committed relationship with 3 kids. We spoke for hours and hours about our time together, what went wrong, how remorseful he was about how he behaved particularly as he now has kids and believes in karma, said he will always love me, sent me a pic of an old anniversary card that I had sent him when we were teens and told me some really intimate details of some issues he went through as a child which he never divulged before. It all blew my mind and happened in the space of about a week. Once he got it all out of his system, the frequent contact stopped. We speak occasionally but never revisit our past again, it was something he had to get off his chest. He never said he missed me but he did say I was the one he should have married, his life would have been so much better. If his partner had heard that, it would be totally devastating. But he did not intend for her to hear that. He loves her immensely.

Point is he needed closure and, whilst I didn’t know it, so did I. I had so many doubts about myself and he made me feel so relieved I wasn’t paranoid or unreasonable but that no matter what I did, he was actually a total jerk throughout our time together.

And that was it (for us both). I would never encourage anything more and we don’t speak about anything intimate at all on the very odd occasion we do speak.

I’m hoping your DH just needed closure 💐

MsDogLady · 13/06/2021 23:32

I’m so sorry, OP. This is a real betrayal. Instead of focusing on you during this exciting time, he is secretly channeling his emotional energy and attention into his Ex. He is uninvested, unreliable and untrustworthy.

Move on, OP.

Lockeddown88 · 14/06/2021 00:26

This would be totally unacceptable to me, however you are pregnant with his child. His reaction to you finding out would likely help me with knowing what to do next.

User1357 · 14/06/2021 00:44

Op I really feel for you.

I think personally I could attempt to forgive if his reaction was of remorse.

It is massively overstepping the mark. But i suppose it could have just been unresolved issues with somebody he used to care about and love which bothered him and he wanted to sort out. Maybe he’s having a slight crisis over life changing and a new chapter opening, trying to hold on to the past some how.

The problem is, he’s not in a place to do this without undermining your relationship. Also, when you have contact with somebody you used to love it can stir up emotions which is what sounds like has happened here.

As I said earlier, I would attempt to forgive but I would find it very hard as it is a betrayal and when you are having his baby is even more so.

I wish you luck and congratulations on baby.

BlueDaises · 14/06/2021 01:15

Nah .. this would be over for me personally, but understand it's not that simple 🌷

spotcheck · 14/06/2021 01:24

Nah.

If he was ' wanting closure'. ( Snort) he could have gone about it in many ways. First on the list would have been to tell you that he had a therapeutic conversation with ex, and he feels he has salved the bad ending ( or whatever).

Instead he was a sneaky toad who is still being cagey.

Nah.

Taikoo · 14/06/2021 01:41

Yeah, its over.
Quit while you're ahead.

fallfallfall · 14/06/2021 02:04

part of me would hope that it's a sign of maturity, now that he's about to become a father.

obviously they have history and it wasn't all bad. at some point i would expect each of them to realize the role they played in the relationship breakdown and apologize.
and yes i expect it does feel nice to hear someone say they are sorry or what ever was said.

BlueDaises · 14/06/2021 04:38

@fallfallfall

part of me would hope that it's a sign of maturity, now that he's about to become a father. obviously they have history and it wasn't all bad. at some point i would expect each of them to realize the role they played in the relationship breakdown and apologize. and yes i expect it does feel nice to hear someone say they are sorry or what ever was said.

huh 🤔

Shelddd · 14/06/2021 04:51

Honestly it depends what you want in life and with this man.

Do you want someone who will be faithful and never stray? If so then he isn't the one. But if you just want someone to stick around, help raise your kid and share your life with and you don't mind if he strays once in a while (maybe you even want to yourself) then it's fine.

You shouldn't let anyone else let alone strangers on the internet tell you what's best for you.

But if you want someone who is absolutely 100% dedicated to you and will be faithful, well that isn't him, I'm sorry.

miltonj · 14/06/2021 04:51

Er yeah. Dump him. I'm so sorry.
This phase of your lives your partner should be completely in awe of you snd In a bubble of love with you and the baby you're expecting. Instead he's crossing lines with an ex. What kind of man does that to his wife and child? Not a desirable one.

miltonj · 14/06/2021 04:54

@Shelddd

Honestly it depends what you want in life and with this man.

You shouldn't let anyone else let alone strangers on the internet tell you what's best for you.

But if you want someone who is absolutely 100% dedicated to you and will be faithful, well that isn't him, I'm sorry.

She should want someone who is dedicated to her. Why should she settle for someone who might stray once in a while. Such low standards and weird boundaries.

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