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Original poster

Is this even forgiveable

36 replies

Whattodo4 · 13/06/2021 21:27

Heavily pregnant, and found out my DH has been messaging his ex saying how he misses her. They were talking (secretly) and trying to iron over past issues (ended on bad terms) and he wrote her a long letter which he read to her over the phone, I have never seen the words as it was discussed over a call. His ex seemed to appreciate it and “all the things he said” and he said “talking to you makes me feel good”. They said they missed each other. He’s being shady about what else was on this big declaration, so I’ll never actually know.

We’ve been together 5 years in total. My stomach sank when I came across this conversation between them. I would’ve been none the wiser had I not been on his phone for something else. Is this ever forgiveable? Or are these signs of a shady, untrustworthy person that I should no longer invest time in? I’m due to give birth to our baby and I just feel so betrayed :(

OP posts:

BeautyGoesToBenidorm · 14/06/2021 04:56

My STBXH was notorious for this. Deleting messages is always a red flag, especially when you've been messaging numerous exes. He was a shit when I was pregnant, then an even bigger shit post-birth (by EMCS). He caused me to have a massive mental breakdown.

There's a fucking good reason why I'm divorcing him. I find it incredibly hard to trust now, even though my new DP is wonderful and I'd trust him with my life.

It's impossible to forgive, at least it was for me.

I'm so sorry, OP.

Shelddd · 14/06/2021 05:18

Some people are good with open marriage whether it's officially one or just understood not to ask/talk about it. That's not for me and might not be for OP but it's up to each individual to decide for themselves.

PizzaCrust · 14/06/2021 05:49

What is with all these scumbag men going back to exes or having affairs when their partner is pregnant, I’ve seen it on here nearly every day for a while now. It makes me so angry.

I’m so sorry OP, I can’t imagine how hurt and betrayed you feel. Once you figure out what you want to do, whether it’s split or stay, try to put all your focus onto you and baby only for the time being. You are going to be a fantastic mother with, or without him.

I would need to find out exactly what was said to determine whether it was “just” an apology, and see him totally cut her out of his life entirely before I could even contemplate staying. If he couldn’t provide me with the letter and her being blocked and removed from every source then it would be a no go for me. Similarly, if he refused to cut contact or started trying to turn it around on me, it would be over.

Just remember that whatever you want to do is the most important thing. Don’t let him guilt trip you or make you feel like the bad one in all this. He has behaved horrendously and you are entirely within your rights to bin him off this morning and only speak to him regarding contact with his child. He doesn’t even have to be at the birth because it’s your decision. He lost the right to an opinion when he acted like this.

You call the shots, now. Do what will make you happy in the long run. Because you don’t need him. You’re strong. You’ve got this.

PizzaCrust · 14/06/2021 05:56

Also, to add, after confronting him he really needs to be fighting for you. That should be his only focus right now. Doing literally everything he can to prove he is sorry and can be trusted.

If he’s just acting like a pity party because he was found out, making you the bad one or continuing to lie, then unfortunately you know that this will likely happen again.

If he can be completely transparent, is highly apologetic, and does whatever you ask of him (eg if you ask for space and he does so, if you ask to see messages and he does so, etc) then you have a chance of being able to work through it.

He needs to be honest though, and take ownership of what he’s done, as well as totally acknowledging that he was entirely in the wrong. If he can’t do that, he isn’t worth it.

Don’t accept any less from him. You’re worth more than that. You have feelings and they matter. You matter.

Lovelydiscusfish · 14/06/2021 07:20

For me it would partly depend on how he was acting now, what he has said about his actions etc.

But really yes you should probably leave him over this.

You poor thing OP - your head must be all over the place….. Look after yourself and get RL support if you can.

Peach01 · 14/06/2021 08:26

So 5 years together, a baby on the way and he's pining over a relationship that ended more than 5 years ago? What on earth. What is he looking to achieve from this?Also, why is this woman giving him the time of day?

Geppili · 14/06/2021 09:47

He is so childish and entitled! Your precious baby is not yet born and he is having to look outside his marriage to have his ego massaged. I would find this very hard to forgive.

billy1966 · 14/06/2021 09:56

OP,
I am so sorry.
Of course you are devastated.

For me it would be a deal breaker because the trust would have been broken.

I really think you need to take your time to figure out what is best for you and your baby.
But he is clearly a man who does not have you or your baby on his mind so you need to protect yourself.

Don't give up your job and look at your finances carefully.

Get support IRL.

Bananarice · 14/06/2021 10:12

I believe everyone has their own personal red lines. If he crossed your red line, then you can't forgive. If he approaches it very closely then it requires extra hard work to forgive.

There is things I'm willing to turn an blind eye to that you are not. For example, some women are ok, that their spouse take drugs as long as they don't do a,b,c and d.

To me I would worry about intent. Was your dp talking to her to get some closure? Do they have children? Was this his way of making peace before the new baby arrives?

Flyg · 14/06/2021 10:30

I'm really sorry this has happened.

I think you already know in your heart whether you can forgive him or not. Dont be afraid to act on your feelings if you do want to end it. There's the very high reward of a much happier life for women brave enough to leave these types of men.

honeybuns007 · 16/06/2021 12:25

Have you spoken with him? I have the view that we all make mistakes. These may be financial, legal, moral or ethical. We ALL make mistakes and we are all capable of learning from them. You are about to have a child. This is a shit thing to discover. Maybe he is not coming to terms with the responsibility and is reaching out as a way to feel like he has control of something. It's dumb but it IS forgivable if he knows he is doing something shit and wants to put it behind him.

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