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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I in the wrong?

45 replies

StormcloakNord · 13/06/2021 00:05

I don't even know how to start this, or what to do. Never in a thousand years thought I'd be starting a thread like this.

I think my husband hit me tonight? But I don't know if what I did warranted it. Honestly I'm utterly in limbo here I'm so confused.

I'll try and cut a really long story as short as possible. We had a BBQ, friends round, husband asked me where to put the Burgers (he was really quite drunk at this point) and I said "put it in the denby bowl" and he kept looking at me like I'd spoken French. I was frustrated at this point as I was trying to sort out everything else for the BBQ so I opened the cupboard he was standing next to (where the bowl was) and I used the cupboard door to push him out of the way (I shouldn't have done this). It wasn't aggressive, it was a nudge out the way to get the right bowl. At this point, he's obviously angry so he slaps me over the head (quite hard, my ear was ringing) and I just looked at him in total shock.

The night went on and it was obvious between our friends something had happened. Most of my friends are actually my husbands friends originally and the majority of them said I was being dramatic, so they pretty much all left and that was that.

I'm lying in bed now feeling utterly lost. My husband, and all my friends said I was being dramatic so I really need to know if I am? I can't get any perspective, please be brutally honest with me?

OP posts:
LoopTheLoops · 13/06/2021 00:11

Why do you say think? He did hit you

smudgemylife · 13/06/2021 00:12

I am sorry this has happened to you! You must be in complete shock.
I'm not sure why you've said you 'think' your husband hit you, when you know fully well he did.
He should never have put his hands on you, especially so hard that your ears were ringing.
How did he react? Was he shocked and horrified at his actions?

In all honesty if your sister or best friend came to you and told you this had happened to them, what would you tell them? You already know the answer.

WhyMrsRobinson · 13/06/2021 00:15

Hello, just wanted to send a hug, that sounds awful. I don’t feel qualified to comment in depth, but it doesn’t sound right that he slap you, no. I don’t think it’s ever right to slap anyone. Especially not so hard that your ears ring. 💐

Original poster
StormcloakNord · 13/06/2021 00:19

Sorry, I shouldn't have said 'think' as I know he did. I'm just really shocked.

In the 4 years of being together he's never done anything like this. We play fight and caper but he's never even come close to me during an argument as he knows from my previous relationship I get really panicky being cornered and made to feel 'trapped' in an argument.

I just can't believe he did it. My ear/side of my head feels stingy so it was a hard slap. I think I'm trying to convince myself it did actually happen.. wtf Sad

OP posts:
Pumpkintopf · 13/06/2021 00:21

That's awful op.

How is he behaving towards you now?

Do you feel safe staying there tonight?

Original poster
StormcloakNord · 13/06/2021 00:24

@Pumpkintopf

He's sleeping downstairs on the sofa, I'm upstairs in bed with the 2 dogs.

I just can't honestly believe I'm thinking this about him... he's my husband he is the most lovely person on the planet but I'm lying here thinking 'do I feel safe?' and I honestly can't say 100% that I do.

I think I'll be okay with the dogs though. The door is closed and he's sleeping already so I think I'll be fine

OP posts:
LoopTheLoops · 13/06/2021 00:31

Do your friends know, you said they said you was being dramatic?

Original poster
StormcloakNord · 13/06/2021 00:32

@LoopTheLoops

Yes, they knew he hit me. I did tell them, they did say they didn't want to minimise what happened but they had never seen that side of him so found it hard to imagine.

I do honestly feel like I've blown it out of proportion now..

OP posts:
Pumpkintopf · 13/06/2021 00:33

Is he downstairs because he recognises that his behaviour was unacceptable?

You said you were mainly with his friends tonight- do you have a friend of your own who could be with you if you need them?

LoopTheLoops · 13/06/2021 00:33

Bloody hell some friends Sad

Original poster
StormcloakNord · 13/06/2021 00:41

@Pumpkintopf

I think so, yes. He is very combative/passive aggressive when he's drunk but I know tomorrow morning he is going to be absolutely mortified at what he's done.

OP posts:
Cleverpolly3 · 13/06/2021 00:45

His friends are arseholes
As for him……..

Bring mortified the next day when he’s sobered up means nothing and is just adding the drinking as an issue on top of the fact he is unable to control his response to situations he finds disagreeable

If it was me I wouldn’t even be there right now
Stay safe

Pumpkintopf · 13/06/2021 00:50

Hmm. It sounds as though there is a pattern of behaviour here - you say he is combative/passive aggressive when drunk.

So did the situation tonight escalate from that cupboard nudge from a situation where he was already in a combative mood? Sounds like a wider pattern of behaviour op and not just a one-off - and it's never ok for him to hit you, once or more than once.

AtrociousCircumstance · 13/06/2021 00:50

Blown it out of proportion? He hit you. He deliberately hurt you in anger, to punish you, and it was an act of aggression and power over you. It doesn’t matter how pathetic and contrite he is tomorrow.

AtrociousCircumstance · 13/06/2021 00:52

In fact you can call the police and tell them what he did. You can call them now.

Umberellatheweatha · 13/06/2021 05:11

If he is an aggressive drunk then he shouldn't drink. Not only that, he should promise to never touch a drop of alchohol ever again after tonight. And follow through.

Tbh, thinking I'd be done either way op. But you'll know fine that he isn't actually sorry if he gets on the booze again.

Umberellatheweatha · 13/06/2021 05:15

Also, those 'friends' would not be coming back in my house. They are victim blamey jackasses and people like them are the reason that so many abused people stay in abusive relationships because they further the idea that the person wont be believed.

Original poster
StormcloakNord · 13/06/2021 05:21

Thanks everyone. What a shit sleep I've had.

It's definitely a pattern of behaviour & he has always been a really crap drunk, with me anyway. He's absolutely stellar round his friends and they all think he's just a happy go lucky funny drunk, so it's even worse when he's been shit to me and they look at me like "naaah, husband isn't like that!!"

He's just really passive aggressive with me and often argues for the sake of arguing. He's just never ever lashed out before when drunk, he's never so much as shouted at me when he's drunk, I think that's why I'm still so shocked about it.

I don't really have anyone to talk to about it though.. my mum would be in the same vein as my friends and go "oh he was just drunk, it's a one off, stop being dramatic" blah blah blah.

It's like everyone else seeing the sun shining out his arse and can't remotely believe he's got a temper Sad

OP posts:
MissM94 · 13/06/2021 05:31

Hi OP, hope you're feeling okay

My narcissistic ex was like that, everyone found him hilarious when drunk but would come and fly loads of abuse at me & he often wouldn't admit to doing it, so I started recording him.. showed my friends and family or rang them while he was doing it. But regardless, fuck what his friends think and your family.. would they be saying the same if he beat you to a pulp or did it every weekend?

Sorry this happened to you, I don't think it's something you can forgive however minor you find it or that it's a "one off" it's one more than should of happened.

Sending love 🤍

Sunflower1970 · 13/06/2021 05:46

Sounds like a bit of aggression on both sides. You did open the cupboard door on him. He shouldn’t have slapped you though. Bit of a toxic relationship. Hope you can move on from this drama

Melitza · 13/06/2021 06:06

Mt grandad was a nasty drunk.
Thing is OP do you have dc?
If not then you never can with him because their lives will be awful with him as a df.
When drunk my grandad pushed my pregnant gran down the stairs, he hit her regularly, he hit my aunty so hard she had an operation to save her sight, he held my aunt's head under water when she was a child, she was claustrophobic her whole life. This was 70 to 80 years ago so nowhere for my gran to go.
My dm was the youngest, he never hit her but she was terrified of him and witnessed most of the violence.
And when he died the pub sent a wreath to his funeral because he was such a 'lovely' man.

And although grandad died when I was a baby I am affected too because of my dm's dysfunctional childhood which affected her parenting.

I wouldn't live with a nasty drunk and I would ditch his horrible friends too.
He won't get better OP, he's shown who he is.

Shoxfordian · 13/06/2021 06:59

How are you this morning? Don’t minimise or excuse his behaviour, take some steps to see if you can end the relationship because he’ll almost certainly do it again

Gyh863 · 13/06/2021 07:42

Leave him. That's unforgivable.

AtrociousCircumstance · 13/06/2021 13:38

It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks OP. You don’t need anyone else’s permission to feel your feelings and know your own truth.

Fuck them. He’s not a good person to be partnered with. Let one of them get together with him if they think he’s so wonderful.

Rebelwithverysharpclaws · 13/06/2021 16:45

This man has done a dreadful thing. He has crossed a line that should never be crossed in a relationship. If he gets away with it he will do it again. It is very sad that his friends minimised his violence. I really feel for you.