Am I in the wrong?

[StormcloakNord]

I don't even know how to start this, or what to do. Never in a thousand years thought I'd be starting a thread like this.

I think my husband hit me tonight? But I don't know if what I did warranted it. Honestly I'm utterly in limbo here I'm so confused.

I'll try and cut a really long story as short as possible. We had a BBQ, friends round, husband asked me where to put the Burgers (he was really quite drunk at this point) and I said "put it in the denby bowl" and he kept looking at me like I'd spoken French. I was frustrated at this point as I was trying to sort out everything else for the BBQ so I opened the cupboard he was standing next to (where the bowl was) and I used the cupboard door to push him out of the way (I shouldn't have done this). It wasn't aggressive, it was a nudge out the way to get the right bowl. At this point, he's obviously angry so he slaps me over the head (quite hard, my ear was ringing) and I just looked at him in total shock.

The night went on and it was obvious between our friends something had happened. Most of my friends are actually my husbands friends originally and the majority of them said I was being dramatic, so they pretty much all left and that was that.

I'm lying in bed now feeling utterly lost. My husband, and all my friends said I was being dramatic so I really need to know if I am? I can't get any perspective, please be brutally honest with me?

He's crossed a line and his friends have shown you exactly who they are backing.

Do you have children together?

Quite honestly, it doesn't matter if he's OK 99% of the time. That 1% means that the 99% can't be trusted and is completely spoiled. Given this is how he is (his drunken behaviour) I would make plans to go.

How are you this evening op? Have been thinking about you, I hope you're ok.

Op I just wanted to say that my ex did this. It was one of two pushes in the beginning. But over time it became a full on assault. Please protect yourself. What happens the next time you behave in a way that is inappropriate to him? And btw it isn't that he is passive aggressive when he is drunk. He is abusive and aggressive to you. And he can control it by the fact he doesn't do it to others

There's no excuse to hit anyone in a relationship, man, woman or child. If it was me I'd be gone and never look back. Especially as his friends say he's not like that. Which means he's only like that with you, which does not bode well for your future. If you stay you are 'telling' him that it's ok to hit you 😔

Yeah worries about you OP.

You need to end the relationship for your safety and mental health.

Hi everyone. I'm alright, we have a DD7 together & I asked him what would he do if DD hurt him either by accident or on purpose (which is a real possibility when she eventually hits adolescence) and he said of course he wouldn't dream of putting his hands on her so I asked him why he thought it was appropriate to do it to his wife.

He just kept saying the same thing, that he didn't do it maliciously and it wasn't intentional and it was just a reaction.

He doesn't seem to understand that I'm so upset because despite what he's saying, he chose to hit me. There have been so many times whether the dogs, or DD have stepped on him or trod on his balls by accident and hurt him and he's never hit them - why me?

@inthenameofthemother you're right. I never really thought about it like that but he obviously can control how he is when he's drunk otherwise he wouldn't be jack the lad to everyone else and mean to me.

Has he even apologised?

@poorfanjo he has. As I knew he would be he came down this morning completely mortified.

He's said he understands if I want to leave & he has apologised a lot.

It doesn't really mean much though, does it? If it was the other way around and I had hit him while drunk I'd be vowing then & there to go teetotal.

[quote StormcloakNord]@poorfanjo he has. As I knew he would be he came down this morning completely mortified.

He's said he understands if I want to leave & he has apologised a lot.

It doesn't really mean much though, does it? If it was the other way around and I had hit him while drunk I'd be vowing then & there to go teetotal. [/quote]
He understands if YOU want to leave? Isn't he fucking wonderful. He's the one who needs to leave, not you. Last night would be the last time I'd be hosting his friends at your house. While it may have been uncomfortable for them to be told their friend was after hitting you, they should not have belittled the abuse.

Sorry this has happened to you.

I'm confused as earlier post says you've been together 4 years but then you share you have a 7 ur old dd together?

He just kept saying the same thing, that he didn't do it maliciously and it wasn't intentional and it was just a reaction.

But he wouldn't have the same 'reaction' with DD? As you said, this is proof he chose to hit you, and is now lying saying it was a reflex he had no control over.

@kiddo5467 DD is his step-daughter but he's always treated her as his own, I know it might not seem like it from this post but he's bloody brilliant with her.

Just wish he'd extend that same decency to me.

By coincide my now exh was violent towards me the one and only time post big football match. Organised a babysitter and went to the pub with some friends.. A day we could ill afford.
. Had a great day.. Came home.
We were in the kitchen and he claimed I had eye rolled at him. I genuinely had not. He stormed out to have a smoke and I followed - or tried to. He jammed my arm in the door. He went badly bruised over a course of time. He denied it... We didn't last long after that. Found out he had been financially abusing me for a good year... Told him to leave and he did.
Don't let this go op.

Or it won't be a one off.

[quote StormcloakNord]@kiddo5467 DD is his step-daughter but he's always treated her as his own, I know it might not seem like it from this post but he's bloody brilliant with her.

Just wish he'd extend that same decency to me. [/quote]
That's what I was wondering. At least if you do decide to leave it can be a 'clean break' and you don't need to worry about your DD having contact with an abusive man

I also didn't have dc with exh. My dc were upset he left but time is a great healer...

How will you ever feel safe around him again? You need to get out.

He says he’d never ever hurt your DD.

If you’d asked him thirty minutes before he hit you hard across the head he would have sworn he’d never ever hurt you, either,

But he did.

My friends ex was just like this. Everyone said what a lovely guy he was and couldn't imagine him being aggressive. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors. He was another person at home and could manage to put on a face at work and socially. I chose to believe my friend and she was so relieved. One day I happened to be visiting her and had popped to the toilet. He came home didn't know I was there. I saw him for what he really was. He had a short temper and really nasty. Go with your gut. It most likely won't change and possibly get worse. No one should live in fear of what might happen.

@Sunflower1970

Sounds like a bit of aggression on both sides. You did open the cupboard door on him. He shouldn’t have slapped you though. Bit of a toxic relationship. Hope you can move on from this drama

Are you serious @sunflower1970 ?! I nudged my DH out of the way with a cupboard door yesterday as I'd asked him to move but he wasn't paying attention and didn't. I nudged him, he moved , the day continued. If you think that's that's proportionate to OPs H slapping her about the head so her ears were ringing I'm as worried about you as I am her.

OP I'm so sorry this has happened to you, no part of this was your fault.