Help splitting up from abusive DH

[SmallGreenStripes]

Posting on behalf of my friend:

I have been married for over 20 years, and recently have come to realise that my H is controlling. He is also shouty with the DCs but generally not shouty with me. Instead I am mostly ignored (he plus a lot on his phone, ignoring all of us) as long as I toe the line. Which basically means all the housework, all the care and support of our three DC’s, all the outside work (garden, bins) etc. He won’t do the school run even if he is just on his phone.

If I don’t toe the line, I get rude snippy remarks, sulking and the silent treatment. If I ask for help he won’t. I cannot discuss anything with him - he belittles me, talks over me and ignores me. He works 3 12 hour shifts a week, until recently I had been SAHM but I have recently started a new job. He has become more demanding, more controlling, asking where I am, who I am with and what we talked about. I had begun getting my ducks in a row to leave, but there was an escalation yesterday and now I need advice.

DH is shouty with our teenager. Yesterday he ‘disrespected’ DH and I was alerted by the very loud aggressive shouting by DH. According to DS (15), DH grabbed him by the lapels and shoved him against the door, then turned him and forced him into the living room, ‘up in his face’. I ran in and shouted and DH did stop.

DS was crying at this stage and left the house. DH said that I should have backed him up. DH then said maybe he should leave and started packing a bag; I think he expected me to stop him but of course I didn’t.

He left the house and left his keys. I am not sure if accidentally or on purpose. He has been texting and calling saying how sorry he is. DS didn’t want to go to the police, so we haven’t. He is staying with a relative. He’s been asking all day for his keys back by text. I have said no because DS doesn’t feel safe knowing he could come home.

He is promising not to come back into the house but says it is his right to have his keys (which I think legally he is) and that he has as much right to see the DCs as I do.

Thank you so much if you have got this far.

Help. Where does she go from here?

Bump

Bump

Off the top of my head; I’d give him the keys but change the locks so your children know they are safe. They need to know you have their backs. I say this as someone who witnessed DV as a child and knew what it felt like to live with a aggressive male figure.
Seek legal advice ASAP, you can get a 30 min consult for free at a few legal practices.
Contact WA as well for further advice and support.
Make your son’s school aware as they may be able to offer pastoral support to him.
Money wise are you able to cover the bills? This is your chance to get rid of this awful man and keep your children safe.
He is full of apologies now but that mask will slip, and the controlling nasty man will show again.

Call Woman's Aid and get proper advice. They should be able to help you work out how to move things forwards and keep you and your children safe.

Your poor son, he must have been terrified.

The difficult but is over with, he’s out of the house! Given his behaviour towards your son, I wouldn’t let him back in.

It sounds like he is extremely unsupportive and doesn’t lift a finger to help so what’s the point of having him around 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think you should report this to the police. Surely they won't leap in and prosecute but they will have his name ring fenced if there are any further incidences. Their report will also be handy when you start divorce proceedings. Believe me this man will not go quietly and he's already demonstrated that. All the best.

Police. Now.

Explain to your son why is because he crossed a boundary.

AND

My local police force have a policy to inform school when a child witnesses or is. Victim of DA within. 24 hours.

So you will double protect your son and your future by reporting. They won't arrest him. He will get a telling off. But the upward implications are very very important.

Thanks so much @Devon1987, @BumbleFlump, @TacCat49, @Aknifewith16blades, @grandmashotdoodlebugs

She is terrified of him. Doesn’t want to go to the police because she knows that will make him really kick off. Also, he could lose his job (which currently supports the family and pays the bills).
We did call a domestic abuse support line but she was really nervous about all the agencies they suggested would need to be involved. She’s had years of being told she isn’t enough, she’s finding this bit really hard.

Ok this thread has really helped her, thank you all.

She’s getting her courage together to go to the police and make a statement. Her DS has agreed that is ok. She is reading this thread.

She’s amazing.

I'm a domestic abuse caseworker. It's true that if he owns the house he has a right of access, however he has assaulted a child there and safeguarding takes priority. If she was a client of mine I would suggest applying for an occupation order (try DV Assist for this though if they decline to help she can apply direct to court).

Social services may sound scary but can be a real asset. I don't know what they are like in your area but in my area if she were applying for an injunction they would likely close the case as she is already protecting her child. At the same time the fact that it's been reported as a safeguarding concern can be useful in the future.

She can also apply for a non molestation order to stop him harassing her and their son.

Police report is a good idea also to have it on record, but be aware they will inform social services (not a bad thing IMO).

Just to add - contact with the children is not about "his rights". It is the children's right to have contact with both parents, but the contact needs to be safe and appropriate. That too is their right. If he is talking about "his rights" when it comes to child access he's looking at it from entirely the wrong angle.

@GreyPaw thank you so much. There have been quite a few communications from him about his rights and what is ‘rightfully his’ over the last 48 hours.

So from your point of view, is reporting to police via 101 the best way forward? She also works in a school.

Sorry, just re read; so an occupation order rather than the police? Or both?

I think the police can put in a DVPO and stop him coming to the house for 28 days. Is that a good idea and during that time she can apply for an OA?

Yes, it's quite typical of abusers to be fixated on what they believe is "rightfully theirs" to the exclusion of everyone else's rights (and they usually massively over estimate anyway).

I would certainly suggest to her she can report to 101. She'll likely get a decent response from them as he's assaulted a child, and it will put the wheels in motion with social services and make for a better chance of a successful occupation order. That said if she wants to avoid the criminal route she can just ask social services for support herself and apply to civil court anyway.

In terms of getting him to shut up about his rights, he can start a child contact application with the family court. They will ensure his children's rights are met in terms of contact, while ensuring they remain safe.

She can request a DVPO from the police, yes, but in my experience actually getting one is like getting blood from a stone. Very good idea to ask though.

Glad your friend is going to the police, she needs to show her Husband she won't take this abuse anymore. Don't give the keys back, he'll just try and sneak back in. Good luck and stay strong Stripes friend

@GreyPaw she thinks he will be completely blindsided by police involvement. He claims to be completely shocked that she doesn’t want him back and that she has been unhappy.

She doesn’t have to respond to all this, right? She can just ignore his noise for now?

What about the house keys? I’d she ok to withhold them because she and the children don’t feel safe if he has access to the house?

Women's Aid and the police. Getting rid of my abusive x was hard work but worth every gruelling moment.

I think the thing for her to bear in mind is that there are two routes she can take; civil or criminal. The complicating factor here is that she is making that decision for her child, and while she will want to take his preferences into account, she also needs to make a decision on what the best and safest route is for all of them. She certainly doesn't need to make any kind of decision right at this moment, but if she does decide to report to the police I would do it sooner rather than later.

Personally, I don't like the fact that he has assaulted their child so recently, and already is banging on about him him him, and I think the right thing to do would be to report (for all sorts fo reasons). It's hard to advise that though as I don't know what the police are like in your area. In case they decide to take no further action (doubtful but who knows) he might become more cocky and the risk may increase. So I would report, but I would suggest that she speaks to a caseworker who can help her make a safety plan.

I strongly suspect that if she goes quiet and ignores him, he'll turn up at the house and might attempt to break in. That's also his legal right (which he no doubt knows). If he does turn up, I would absolutely 100% call the police (999 not 101).

Re house keys: again if she was a client of mine, I'd suggest that she is VERY VERY BUSY at the moment and doesn't have any time to find them or return them. He made the decision to leave them there, it was quite deliberate. And of course he's going to go back to the house if he has them. Why would he want them otherwise?

Like I said he may attempt to break in, but at that point she can call the police and explain why she was trying to prevent access. Civil courts aren't open over the weekend so they can't even action an emergency injunction. She's protecting her child, which takes precedence over him having the keys he knowingly and deliberately left behind saying he was moving out...

Yes, she should keep the keys. Let him take legal action to get access to kids he has assaulted.

If she has reported this and got support then there is a much better chance if his attempts to return being legally stopped.

I wish I had known to prosecute my xh. If I had he wouldn't have equal parenting rights.

She is talking to the police now and they are being absolutely amazing

I'm pleased that the police are being supportive as this could be very useful in the future. My DD called the police on her abusive ex and she is so glad that she did.
Good Luck 💐