Help splitting up from abusive DH

[SmallGreenStripes]

Posting on behalf of my friend:

I have been married for over 20 years, and recently have come to realise that my H is controlling. He is also shouty with the DCs but generally not shouty with me. Instead I am mostly ignored (he plus a lot on his phone, ignoring all of us) as long as I toe the line. Which basically means all the housework, all the care and support of our three DC’s, all the outside work (garden, bins) etc. He won’t do the school run even if he is just on his phone.

If I don’t toe the line, I get rude snippy remarks, sulking and the silent treatment. If I ask for help he won’t. I cannot discuss anything with him - he belittles me, talks over me and ignores me. He works 3 12 hour shifts a week, until recently I had been SAHM but I have recently started a new job. He has become more demanding, more controlling, asking where I am, who I am with and what we talked about. I had begun getting my ducks in a row to leave, but there was an escalation yesterday and now I need advice.

DH is shouty with our teenager. Yesterday he ‘disrespected’ DH and I was alerted by the very loud aggressive shouting by DH. According to DS (15), DH grabbed him by the lapels and shoved him against the door, then turned him and forced him into the living room, ‘up in his face’. I ran in and shouted and DH did stop.

DS was crying at this stage and left the house. DH said that I should have backed him up. DH then said maybe he should leave and started packing a bag; I think he expected me to stop him but of course I didn’t.

He left the house and left his keys. I am not sure if accidentally or on purpose. He has been texting and calling saying how sorry he is. DS didn’t want to go to the police, so we haven’t. He is staying with a relative. He’s been asking all day for his keys back by text. I have said no because DS doesn’t feel safe knowing he could come home.

He is promising not to come back into the house but says it is his right to have his keys (which I think legally he is) and that he has as much right to see the DCs as I do.

Thank you so much if you have got this far.

Help. Where does she go from here?

Thank god she’s gone to the police. I’ve read too many threads lately from people whose children have been assaulted, but the children don’t want the police notified so the parents don’t. This is something that just needs to be done

So he emailed at lunchtime saying he wanted to see the DCs (the others, not the one he shoved and threatened) this afternoon. My friend was at mine, and in any case had been advised that she doesn’t have to let him see them unless it is court ordered. She is afraid they are not safe so isn’t going to let him see them until she has his advice from social services. She is also ok to withhold his key for the moment the same reason.

He is going to be absolutely livid and who knows what he will do. She is terrified but has arranged some support from her brother at home to make sure he isn’t waiting outside there.
Police have told her to call 999 if he turns up at the house and won’t leave when asked.

Any advice on this next stage very welcome. Thank you all again for your support so far - it has been so helpful.

Thank goodness she reported the assault.

Her priority is to stay strong, tell him the marriage is over.
Tell the police the marriage is over.
Tell the police that he has been controlling and abusive for all their married life and now that he assaulted her child she has found the strength to leave him.

She needs to be very clear to the police and him that the marriage is over.

I think if she is so afraid she could ask the police to call to him and warn him to stay away.

Poor woman and her poor son.

The next stage for her is to collaborate with social services in everything and to contact the police every time he puts a foot wrong. She should also document absolutely everything - make him communicate by text and email only so that she has evidence of the things he says.

She's absolutely done the right thing contacting the police. Tell her the vipers of MN are behind her.

He’s hassling her with messages and emails for contact with the children. She doesn’t feel they are safe with him.

They aren't safe with him, he assaulted his son.

He's only hasseling her about contact to harass her.
She needs to get onto social services first thing tomorrow for support.
Thank goodness she reported it to tge police.

Does he know she has reported him yet?

No he doesn’t know yet that she has reported him. But if he comes to the house and won’t leave or they are scared she has been told to call 999.

How old are the other DCs? There comes an age when they will have a voice in deciding whether or not to have contact with their father. The 15yo can outright refuse.

Can she just ignore communication from him? She’s responded that in order to keep the DCs safe she will not currently be allowing contact. She is supposed to be getting a visit from police today and she’s been told that at that stage she will also be put in touch with SS and other agencies who can support her. But he is emailing a lot about how he wants to see his kids and it is hard to ignore it all.

Beyond basic communication which says ‘because of what has happened I don’t believe the DCs are safe with you, so no, you cannot see them or come back home’ she doesn’t need to say much more at this stage, does she?

Also, she can’t afford a solicitor. She can get a free half hour - what is the best way to use that time?

She needs to tell the police she is harassing her.

She has responded correctly that the kids aren't safe, she should now ignore.

She should ring the police and confirm that they will visit her today.
She needs to tell the police how fearful she is.

She is still waiting on the police to visit. They said they would try to get there Sunday and Monday and didn’t show up. Said probably yesterday and they didn’t show. He’s pushing for contact via video call and she wants to be reasonable but obvs can’t arrange contact via video call with him if the police could turn up while the call is going on.

It’s only a few days since it all came to a head but it feels like weeks! Is it reasonable to offer video contact at the weekend or should it be sooner? The oldest child wants nothing to do with him, the other children haven’t asked where he is or mentioned him at all.

She is doing great but needs more support - we hoped that the police would put her in touch with a DV support worker but it seems so slow.

What should her next steps be? Thanks for any advice. I am trying to be as supportive as possible but I feel woefully ignorant!

Video contact is a good idea as he then can't claim she is withholding contact. She can contact DV services herself and self-refer.

They had video contact last night. It really upset the dc as he was crying through the call. Telling them how much he loves them. All about how much he misses them.

He is emailing several times a day. Still waiting for the police but have been told they are coming today (!)

She is still terrified of what he will do when he finds out she has reported to the police, and also that the split is permanent and she wants a divorce.

In the home, however, things are much lighter. Kids seem much happier and more settled. No more walking on eggshells. Though they are all a bit jumpy when the door goes.

I’ve posted on legal for some advice there too.

I am surprised at the police. When my ex attacked my son the police came within 2 hours but he was still in the house. I was advised to move my son out but he was 17 . We eventually both left and my son is so much happier and more relaxed away from the constant criticism from his father .

I think it is seen as a low priority because he is out of the house and has left his keys. They were absolutely amazing on the phone when she reported it. She has been told to call 999 if he comes to the home and won’t leave, but so far he has stayed away.

I think all she can do is keep calling and asking when they will call.

Self refer to SS.

Stress to everyone how upset the children are.

He's crying for himself thats all, not for his children.

He's a nasty bully who has been stood up to.

Thanks @billy1966

Yes, she is calling again this morning. I will suggest she self- refers to SS.

Feels like such a marathon and we are just in the initial stages. She is doing brilliantly but every contact with him is unsettling. Kind of wish she could just skip this whole next stage and go straight to happily living without him.

Definitely speak to social services they have access to domestic abuse support