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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Control or abuse or normal?

50 replies

Popchips · 12/06/2021 20:45

My friend seems to think my husband is controlling verging on emotionally abusive.

My husband is strictish with money. He pays most of the bills. I work part time and contribute £350 to
Bills. He has a good job and earns enough to keep us comfortable however we certainly arnt Rich!

He’s just very strict

For example- food shopping. If I went to put some yogurts in the trolly he’d might say- ‘do you really need them? You left one last week’ or ‘no your not buying bananas this week as 2 went brown in the week’
I’m not allowed to buy hardly anything branded.

If I buy myself anything I’ve got into a habit of telling/asking him ‘I’m going to buy this dress because I’ve not got anything cool to wear in summer’ he’ll respond with something like ‘well that’s nice for you- but just to let you know I haven’t brought new clothes since 3 years ago’

He makes me feel guilty that I Don’t contribute more to the bills but I can’t work full time as we wouldn’t have anyone to do school runs and we struggle with childcare in holidays.
Our family isn’t very helpful

I do work 22 hrs a week. I contribute as much as I can and will always pay for anything the kids need. Clothes, shoes, haircuts.

My friend recommended some herbal stuff to help my back and she said go online now and buy it. I said I will but I’ll have to ask my husband first.

Does he sound controlling? Or just super responsible with money?

I’ve always just thought he was trying to be careful but my friend is now telling me otherwise and now I feel a bit confused

Sorry this is long and thank you for reading if you did

OP posts:
pickingdaisies · 12/06/2021 20:48

Controlling. Sorry OP, he's got you conditioned to think it's normal.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/06/2021 20:52

You are being economically abused by this man and I would think that he is abusive towards you in other ways too. Such men are often not solely financially abusive.

He will not change. I would suggest you contact Women’s Aid ASAP.

Consider also what your children are being taught by both of you about relationships here. This is not the relationship model they should be learning from.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/06/2021 20:54

On a wider level do seek medical attention re your back rather than taking herbal tablets.

IsThePopeCatholic · 12/06/2021 20:55

He’s controlling you.

BuddhaAtSea · 12/06/2021 20:57

He’s abusive. Sorry.

30degreesandmeltinghere · 12/06/2021 20:58

My friend years ago wouldn't buy anything without checking with her dh. She wasn't allowed to wear make up. She married him at 16 and knows no different... Still together at 50... Not sure I could be so controlled...
You are being financially abused op.

Original poster
Popchips · 12/06/2021 21:03

Thank you for your responses. I’m going to sit down and have a chat with him tomorrow.
He’s a really nice person and lovely dad he’s just got this massive hang up with money.

He was brought up very poor and his dad would gamble all the money away so I think there is a part of him that just worries massively about being skint. But I think that there definitely seems to be an element of control seeping in to this especially when people on the outside are seeing it.

OP posts:
30degreesandmeltinghere · 12/06/2021 21:04

Tell him he trusted you enough to share a dc together.. He needs to trust you aren't trying to fleece him!!

MustardRose · 12/06/2021 21:07

I'm not allowed to...

You've answered your own question right there, haven't you? A marriage is supposed to be an equal loving partnership between adults. One should not be subordinate to the other.

He's not your dad or your boss or a police officer. So how come he decides what you are allowed to do?

BlueButtercups · 12/06/2021 21:08

yes very controlling 🌸

Gmmllw · 12/06/2021 21:23

Very controlling. I'm sorry OP you shouldn't have to be subjected to this
I never understand why more couples don't pool their resources. Why should one person have more money to play with than the other? It's a life partnership! Surely your husband wouldn't dream of, say, flying business class while you sit in economy. For example if one is a teacher and the other a banker. Especially if there are children to care for.

pickingdaisies · 12/06/2021 21:47

I can't get over the thing with the bananas. No bananas this week because two didn't get eaten last week? This happens! That's what, 20p? ( Btw you can freeze them and/or use them in banana cake even when the skins are brown. )
Can you sit down together and work out a food budget, then he needs to let you get on with it, assuming you normally do the food shop.
He needs to have it spelt out to him that his earnings, and your earnings, together make up the household earnings. You are married, you are a team. Your contribution, looking after the children, is just as valid as his, earning the bigger wage. You should be deciding together what your budget is.

Aknifewith16blades · 12/06/2021 22:04

OP, have a chat to Women's Aid or a look at Why does he do that first before talking to him. Because a lovely dad doesn't stop the mother of his children spending her own hard-earned money on buying a yoghurt. This isn't right.

Tulipsandviolets · 12/06/2021 22:07

On the other hand if I buy things in a supermarket for my dh and he doesn't eat them I wouldn't bother buying them next time.. and would probably say the same as the op husband.Not really controlling just being sensible with money imo

MadMadMadamMim · 12/06/2021 22:10

Controlling and unpleasant.

Tell him that most women's fannies would dry right up because of the way he carries on. He's not your dad.

I could never have sex with him again. It would feel incestuous.

Original poster
Popchips · 12/06/2021 22:11

We have a food budget of £75
My husband always comes food shopping - probably to keep an eye on what is being spent.
Times I’ve gone by myself and it’s gone over budget he’s blamed me so I find it easier him coming along so then it’s just as much his fault if it goes over budget.

I was annoyed about the bananas - I just bite my tongue because I can’t be bothered to hear him moaning.
Next time I’ll make sure I eat all the bloody things so he won’t whinge.

Can it ever be healthy for a man to wear the trousers in a relationship?

OP posts:
Aknifewith16blades · 12/06/2021 22:28

Changing the way you act because you don't want to deal with his behaviour is a red flag. It becomes very easy for your world to get gradually smaller and smaller.

It isn't about the banana (and it isn't about giving your partner grief for buying excess food), it's about not doing waht you want because of his reaction, rather than thinking 'well yes, he has a point, I did get too many last time'.

MrsLCSofLichfield · 13/06/2021 01:19

When I went back to work after maternity, DH took a career break to be a f/t dad to DS. We'd had separate bank accounts when we were both working and earning, but went joint from that point onwards. To me, it seemed only right and fair that we both have access to money, whoever is earning it.

DH is better with money than I am, but unless it was risking non-payment of essential bills or unmanageable debt, neither of us would question the other's spending, that's not normal or right imho.

You mentioned that you pay for children's clothes, shoes, haircuts - is that exclusively down to you, or does your husband contribute to this? I've seen a lot of posts on here where men seem to think that it's down to women to pay for anything child-related, regardless of earnings - I hope it's not like that for you.

Anordinarymum · 13/06/2021 01:34

Just reading this was depressing. Imagine having to live like that - i don't know how you put up with it OP
You need to have a talk with him if you want things to change because it's my guess this is only the tip of the iceberg

OldWomanSaysThis · 13/06/2021 03:42

I'd tell him to fuck off.

Sorry, that's not very helpful.

This sounds like a parent/child relationship.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/06/2021 04:02

He was brought up very poor and his dad would gamble all the money away so I think there is a part of him that just worries massively about being skint.

His feelings and anxiety about money are understandable, but he is taking this way too far. You are not a child and it is simply not acceptable for him to be so controlling. It's not normal, it's not healthy, and it will eventually destroy your marriage.

Marty13 · 13/06/2021 04:11

Hey OP. When I read your title I thought "if you have to ask, the answer's probably yes". And reading your post confirmed it. I don't know how you can stand this behaviour from him. I'd be long gone tbh.

What you do is obviously your choice, but remember you are a free adult. You shouldn't have to ask permission to buy groceries.

As it appears he has you well conditionned, I'd suggest speaking to a professional to help you untangle what's what ?

Marty13 · 13/06/2021 04:12

His feelings and anxiety about money are understandable

They are, but they are also not OP's problem to deal with. It's up to him to seek advice/counselling on this issue.

Oneandanotherone · 13/06/2021 04:23

Controlling. Does he pay the same percentage of his earnings in bills and the children? Anything after that is your own to do what you wish.

Umberellatheweatha · 13/06/2021 04:52

If he earns well then he should not be taking ANY of that money you earn. You are doing the majority of childcare, that is a big enough contribution.

What he is essentially doing is making it impossible for you to save so that it will be harder to leave him.

Stop giving him your cash. Make sure it goes into your own bank account in future. He should also still give you money towards groceries.

If you were earning a full wage or he was not, then I would expect you to be contributing financially but as is, absolutely not.

No point having a chat with him. He knows what he is doing. And he will only try to convince you his behaviour is ok and you are crazy to have a problem with it. He is not a nice man.