Control or abuse or normal?

[Popchips]

My friend seems to think my husband is controlling verging on emotionally abusive.

My husband is strictish with money. He pays most of the bills. I work part time and contribute £350 to
Bills. He has a good job and earns enough to keep us comfortable however we certainly arnt Rich!

He’s just very strict

For example- food shopping. If I went to put some yogurts in the trolly he’d might say- ‘do you really need them? You left one last week’ or ‘no your not buying bananas this week as 2 went brown in the week’
I’m not allowed to buy hardly anything branded.

If I buy myself anything I’ve got into a habit of telling/asking him ‘I’m going to buy this dress because I’ve not got anything cool to wear in summer’ he’ll respond with something like ‘well that’s nice for you- but just to let you know I haven’t brought new clothes since 3 years ago’

He makes me feel guilty that I Don’t contribute more to the bills but I can’t work full time as we wouldn’t have anyone to do school runs and we struggle with childcare in holidays.
Our family isn’t very helpful

I do work 22 hrs a week. I contribute as much as I can and will always pay for anything the kids need. Clothes, shoes, haircuts.

My friend recommended some herbal stuff to help my back and she said go online now and buy it. I said I will but I’ll have to ask my husband first.

Does he sound controlling? Or just super responsible with money?

I’ve always just thought he was trying to be careful but my friend is now telling me otherwise and now I feel a bit confused

Sorry this is long and thank you for reading if you did

If the phrases “I’m not allowed to” or “He won’t let me” come up, it’s controlling at the very least.

A marriage (or partnership or whatever) is a relationship between equals. No one should be treating their partner like a child to be reprimanded.

A partnership should be equal. Your husband is controlling you. For all he knew you left bananas to go blackish so you vould make banana loaf.

Tell your husband to go food shopping himself
.And don't get herbal stuff off the internet

@Oneandanotherone

Controlling. Does he pay the same percentage of his earnings in bills and the children? Anything after that is your own to do what you wish.

He’s pays more into the bills then me- I probably pay 30% of my wages he pays probably 70%

The reason for this is he will still have some spending money left. I will also have some money left but I use my money for kids stuff.
He does pay for kids stuff but only if I don’t have any money left.

He would never get annoyed if he had to buy kid stuff

I do feel if I could contribute an equal amount our problem would be solved but I just physically can’t

He also would buy me something if I NEEDED it - so a pair of shoes if my others had a hole in it. Or a coat if mine was broke or looked too old but not just because I WANTED it

I couldn't live like this, do you pay all your earrings to the bills? Can you set some aside just to spend on things for you and the children?

Its abuse, pure and simple.
He has conditioned you to think it's normal, it isn't.

Sod that. I buy
What ever clothes I like and have far too many.

Food shopping. Dh trusts
Me to buy what's required. He would
Spend more if he did it tbh.

You def need to have a serious chat.

He does pay for kids stuff but only if I don’t have any money left.

Why do you think this is fair?

They're his children too. Why is it that your share of individual money is to be spent on the children and his isn't?

Really - step back and think about whether that's something a nice man would suggest?

I understand what you're saying. But, it's not like it can ever be your "fault" that you don't earn the same amount of money. Even if you did work FT, different careers will always pay different salaries. But in a marriage you are a team. I put 100% of my wages and my husband puts 100% of his wages into one account. We don't consider ourselves separate. I do work less hours because but I do most of the childcare. But that is still a job. As another person also commented here, it is only right and fair that you both have access to money, whoever is earning it.

Leaving you spending 100% of your income on the family and him spending less than 100% of his. And him as the sole decider of whether you can get things.

I would listen to your friend; she sounds kind and caring and switched on.

@Popchips he shouldn’t only be paying for the kids when you have no money left, he should pay for their essentials every month too, you need to have money for yourself. However if you are have around £600 a month that is not spent on bills I wonder how you run out of money?

Put your foot down on the children’s expenses. You go 70/30 every time (him/you) just like the bills because you don’t have the ability to earn more and you are doing majority of the childcare. If he’s going to be a petty arsehole about his own wife and children then you need to push back.

At any point, if you find yourself thinking you’re ‘not allowed’ to do something you think ‘fuck that’ and buy your bloody bananas in front of him. Tell him if there’s any left over he’s welcome to eat them himself.

I am enraged for you, and sad that you can’t see how bad this has gotten. Good luck OP x

I couldn't live like this. I don't earn much as I only work 7 hours a week now. My OH has 2 jobs and our money is joint.
I can take whatever I want, but I don't abuse it. Because we're a team and we respect each other.
I hate Tightwads.

Yes, you are being financially abused. You are also being controlled. No question - yours is a textbook case. Financial abuse is against the law and the police would be involved if this was reported to them.

Also, think about it like this. If your daughter was one day married to a man like this, what would you advise her to do?

Do you know how much he earns? How much he has in savings? How much the bills are? Does he check with you before making purchases?

This is not a normal or healthy way to live , unless you're literally on the breadline. Even then, you should make joint decisions about being sensible and budgeting.

Popchips

re your comment:-
Thank you for your responses. I’m going to sit down and have a chat with him tomorrow. He’s a really nice person and lovely dad he’s just got this massive hang up with money".

You won't in all likelihood be able to get very far with him on this issue because this level of control is entrenched and goes back to his childhood. You cannot fix him and you can only help your own self ultimately.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and just what are they learning here?.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

And no he is neither a nice person or a lovely dad if he treats you and in turn your kids like this. Why did you write this of him anyway?. Women in poor relationships too often write such when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man.

Remember too that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Do keep posting here too.

@Popchips

I do feel if I could contribute an equal amount our problem would be solved but I just physically can’t

You ARE contributing equally, if not more! If he is this focused on money then you should sit down and calculate exactly how much childcare would cost each year if you worked full time and the children were sent to childcare. That way he can see exactly how much you do contribute in the context of childcare-I'll bet it's a hell of a lot more than you think! And if he's this focused on money it might make him think twice before treating you like crap and making you justify buying some bananas.

He is controlling. Do not underplay your contribution to the family.

www.verywellmind.com/financial-abuse-4155224

Have a read - especially the section “Controlling Shared Assets”

I get his background - but his internal anxieties are irrationally displaced onto controlling you - he is abusing you and your DC.

You're working part time because you are providing all the childcare! Just because some of your workload isn't paid for, it doesn't mean that he can financially abuse you!
You need a serious chat with him because I know where I'd tell my DH to go if he told me I couldn't buy a bloody bunch of bananas!
My DH can be tight careful with money and on the occasions he comes shopping with me, I make it crystal clear that if he stands there and tells me that a different product is cheaper or whatever then I'll tell him to sod off!

Controlling.

He’s just very strict
That's how someone might describe a parent with their child, but things are supposed to be more equal between a husband and wife

Its controlling. I grew up poor and I used to go around the supermarket as a child with my mother asking her to put things back we didn't need because there would be an argument about it in a car. I still have this fear as an adult but I recognise my anxieties over money are excessive and they are my problems not the families. It's my responsibility to test my fear against the reality and work out what is appropriate and any conversation about money etc is a conversation not a telling off.

Having just read your updates, I can see that you are making excuses for him.

There is usually a disparity between earnings with a couple, especially when one of them (usually the mother) has to give up work or only work part-time due to childcare needs. There is no excuse for the higher earner to demand that the lower earner contribute almost all their earnings towards bills and the DC's needs, while the higher earner has plenty of disposable income left after their contribution. The lower earner is contributing in non-financial ways to the household.

All money coming into a family should be regarded as family money, not 'his' and 'hers', and all bills, groceries and childcare costs should come out of the pot. What's left over should be divided equally.

And unless one is truly terrible with money (gambling habit, huge loans to pay off due to bad decisions etc) then neither should be controlling what the other spends.

Especially not to the extent that they are not allowed to even buy a bunch of bananas.

Having just read your updates, I can see that you are making excuses for him.

yip 🌸