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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

husband moved out this week- handhold please

36 replies

MadgeMidgerson · 12/06/2021 14:02

i have posted before about this. we have grown apart over the last 10 years, no sex or kissing in all that time at all, we have barely spoken in the last 6months except about the kids, he wasn’t working or looking for work until i insisted and now he only contributes to groceries, i pay everything else, and do all house stuff/organize the kids. he will happily get home from work now and sit and watch me do everything.

i am in my 40s so it’s not like i will ever find another partner - why does it bother me then that we are only flat mates? it’s not like i am leaving to be with a lover. it will just be more life alone.

when i write it all out it sounds like i am making a good choice in separating but i can’t help but feel i should try harder to live with it, for the sake of everyone.

happiness is stupid reason to do anything isn’t it?

i wish i were a man, they seem to have no qualms about putting themselves first, and not doing anything that is counter to their own best interests.

why is this so hard? if i were doing the right thing, wouldn’t i feel great doing it?

can anyone help?

OP posts:
Sparkai · 12/06/2021 14:06

Happiness is the best reason to do anything, it really is.

And you are absolutely doing the right thing. I know because I was you. This bit feels horrendous, but one day soon you will realise that a weight is lifted and you will be able to enjoy your new life, rather than constant lingering discontent. Just keep putting one step in front of the other.

BarefootHippieChick · 12/06/2021 14:07

I think you've done the right thing. Don't stay with someone you're unhappy with, just because it seems easy. My friend is in the same position as you, similar age, and has already had a couple of dates with someone else. She's not looking for anything serious, but it shows there could be someone else out there for you at some point if that's what you want, so don't feel you're stuck on the shelf. Use this time to find out who you are yourself, rather than as part of a couple. Hopefully you have good friends/family surrounding you and supporting you.

ShinyGreenElephant · 12/06/2021 14:15

You are doing the right thing. You weren't happy and you deserve to be.

Also, there's no reason to think you'll never find anyone else. I'm 35 and just split up with my husband, got a 4 month old and a toddler so looking at maybe 5/6 years before I could potentially start thinking about dating- I'll be in my 40s then and I'm sure I'll find someone if I want to. Lots of people find love much later in life.

Original poster
MadgeMidgerson · 12/06/2021 14:22

why is it so hard to get out of the mindset that i am expendable? that i should sacrifice myself for everyone’s sake?

my husband was happy enough with how things were, and the kids have a stable home.

i tried counselling but it only made me want to leave

OP posts:
Outbutnotoutout · 12/06/2021 14:23

Your 40 not 90, why can't you find love again.

I'm 50 and in a fantastic relationship we met 2 yrs ago

goody2shooz · 12/06/2021 14:29

What’s your housing situation - do you own or rent? Why is he only contributing to the groceries? Not to the rent/mortgage, utilities, or council tax like a normal adult? Are you happy that your children are growing up in a home where the parents model a loveless dysfunctional relationship? Would you be happy if your daughter was enduring a relationship like this? Why are YOUR wants, needs and wishes being ignored - by him and by YOU? Why are YOU not equally important in this? Why are you paying for this cold, miserly, mean funsponge to live with you and your children? Just because he fathered the children isn’t a pass to be a useless husband for the rest of your life.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 12/06/2021 14:31

Honestly OP I never truly realised how utterly miserable I was until my exH left. Somehow I thought we would get to retirement and be ok.
Now he's gone, after the initial trauma, and life is great again. I'm 59 so not interested in another partner but the ex dragged me down for years and sucked all the life out of me.
You will be well shot of him.

Original poster
MadgeMidgerson · 12/06/2021 14:32

realistically it would never happen (finding another partner). i would if anything find something other woman’s discarded husband, no thanks. i am not going to go through all this upheaval just so i can end up where i started.

i feel like i am betraying everyone, but staying feels like i am betraying myself. i feel so alone, and so ashamed, i failed at the most important thing, i made a promise and i am breaking it.

i really tried! i spent ten years telling myself that you don’t really need affection or or love to have a successful marriage, traditionally it is about family and property, and i tried to keep busy and have hobbies and it’s not enough! why can’t i make it enough?

why am i so selfish and how do i stop? i hate waking up every day

OP posts:
Original poster
MadgeMidgerson · 12/06/2021 14:34

he is good enough with the children, my youngest adores him.

it’s not fair to expect anyone to meet your needs, don’t you do that yourself? or learn to not have them?

OP posts:
goody2shooz · 12/06/2021 14:34

Your husband was ’happy enough with how things were’... yes I’m sure he was. With good little wifie paying the bills and working her ass off while he sat back. But again - HE WAS HAPPY. Him, not you. You were resentful, overworked, and you are putting him and his feelings before yours. Why is that? Is it fair? Sorry, too many questions! But seriously....why?

Original poster
MadgeMidgerson · 12/06/2021 14:35

i earn twice his salary so that is his rationale for not contributing more. he can’t even save for the children. after groceries he has about 1500 per month left over. i don’t know where it goes.

when i asked him if he could maybe save a bit for the kids he said that was my job and got angry with me

OP posts:
goody2shooz · 12/06/2021 14:40

You don’t need love or affection to have a good marriage????? What is the point of being married without it? Just be flatmates - and then you’d both pay a fair share of bills and you could meet someone else. And what is wrong with a widower or divorcee? Are they really a substandard species? As to your vows, you BoTH said those vows where you promised to LOVE the other. It’s supposed to be a marriage, not a prison sentence. If it feels like a prison sentence then surely you’ve served your time.

goody2shooz · 12/06/2021 14:44

‘When I asked him if he could maybe save a bit for the kids he said that was my job and got angry with me’ ..... OH my GOD. Abusive pig right there. Please make plans to leave and get a proper life. If he’s a ‘good enough’ father (whatever that is) then he can step up and parent them sometimes even if you split.

Original poster
MadgeMidgerson · 12/06/2021 14:46

i just keep coming back to how if it was the right thing i would be easy in my mind about it

it’s so weird but you know if it weren’t for the kids i think i would be. sometimes his shift pattern means he is gone all day til the evening and i fucking love those days.

what is wrong with me???????

OP posts:
Original poster
MadgeMidgerson · 12/06/2021 14:47

he is not abusive and doesn’t tell or hit me, i don’t mean to give that impression. i’m not scared of him.

it’s like there is a little voice in me saying ‘what exactly is he for? what am i getting out of this besides unhappiness?’ and i made the mistake of listening to it and now i am properly miserable

OP posts:
MrsMoastyToasty · 12/06/2021 14:48

He was a cocklodger. You're well rid of him.

Original poster
MadgeMidgerson · 12/06/2021 14:51

lol doesn’t he have to be shagging you to be a cocklodger?

i feel like this experience has utterly ruined me. i don’t feel like i will ever feel good in myself ever again.

OP posts:
BlueJag · 12/06/2021 14:58

You are clearly a very capable woman. I'm sure you understand that we didn't come to this world to suffer or not to be loved and appreciated.
I'm sure you wouldn't wish your experience on your children.
Please think about how many years potentially you have ahead of yourself and consider how you want to live those years.
Even if you never meet anybody being yourself will make you enjoy life more.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 12/06/2021 14:58

Look up financial abuse. You have only made a few statements about money

  • you earn more
  • he only buys groceries
  • he has £1500 left over for himself
  • saving for the kids is your job

All of which scream abuse to someone who doesn't know you and only has your posts to go by.

Notgoingtobefatformuchlonger · 12/06/2021 15:01

Right now you are grieving the life you wanted. Things will feel upside down.

And I know you may not believe me or take this on board but marriage isn't just about keeping a roof over your heads and paying the bills together. It's so much more.
DH would jump off a cliff to save me. Because he loves me. I am second to the children I think. But that's OK. I had awful experiences with "dad's" growing up so it's just a relief and amazing to watch a man be so devoted, inspiring and in love with his own children.

Marriage should include affection, and love and jokes. You should look forward to seeing each other and want to spend time with each other. And without a doubt make the other person's life as easy as possible. Team work.

Sounds like your husband was only in it for himself. When someone is so selfish it's very hard to understand why and how they could do that when they vowed to love and protect you.

I'm so sorry OP. Take each day as it comes. There's no rush to be OK.
Time is a healer. Flowers

Original poster
MadgeMidgerson · 12/06/2021 15:03

it’s not like i am broke, i make enough to cover everything. it’s not financial abuse unless you go into debt because of it surely

i paid the deposit and first months rent on his new flat, i am going to have to buy him furniture too i expect, if nothing else beds for the kids, he won’t be able to otherwise. why am i so petty that i resent this?

for those of you who don’t feel like suffering is acceptable if it makes everyone else happy how do you do it? were you always like that?

OP posts:
Original poster
MadgeMidgerson · 12/06/2021 15:04

i think he did love me at one point? how have i managed to screw things up so completely? what is wrong with me (apart from everything, ha)

OP posts:
Bettyfromlondon · 12/06/2021 15:22

I don't understand why you feel so financially obliged to him. He can buy his own furniture - he has the means. Are you expecting him to pay for his children? You are their mother, not his. His gravy train is over!
You sound very down at the moment but this phase will pass and bit by bit you will flourish.

goody2shooz · 12/06/2021 15:48

It is NOT NORMAL for a man to pay only for groceries. To expect only his wife to save some money for their children. To have neither love nor sex in a marriage. He’s what’s wrong, not you! Where you ARE wrong is taking all HIS responsibilities on your shoulders. He’s earning, he can pay for furniture, the BHF and the Red Cross have charity shops that sell perfectly good furniture. Buy the kids beds by all means but let him spend some of the money he has stashed away....and he will have savings you don’t know about. He doesn’t care about your feelings, you need to let go of feeling responsible for his. It seems you are a people pleaser and someone who always tries to help everyone else, putting your own feelings to the back of the queue. Time to change that!

CuriousaboutSamphire · 12/06/2021 15:50

Oh my word!