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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Victorian Dating Attitude!

33 replies

Sandra15 · 12/06/2021 13:14

I don't want to do online dating, and I won't. I'm of the opinion that if I meet somebody, I do. I'm not sufficiently interested to go out looking for someone. And I have read about so many losers on here! But here's the thing.

I don't do casual sex. I'm not interested in it and my mojo only works if I am both attracted to and in a mutually committed relationship with someone. But it takes time to get there and most guys these days, with all the choice/sweetshop mentality/swiping etc would just give up. I also don't feel the need for it if I'm not in a relationship with someone - it's as if my mojo is attached to an individual! Of course I see blokes I fancy and say with my girlfriends things like "I would wouldn't you?" but in reality I wouldn't shag a stranger/celebrity even if I got the chance!

When I met my ex, we met in early May and we were definitely mutually attracted straight away we went out every weekend and spoke every day (he lived in Birmingham) and we first slept together late June. We were together for years.

So my question is, how would you handle those difficult first few dates around this subject? How would you make that obvious to a bloke without actually spelling it out and them thinking you're a weirdo?

Another thing I wouldn't do is the 'moving in'. I'd never move in with a guy (I own my own house anyway) My friend was a serial mover-inner and always had to come home to her parents. However she met someone really great (on Match.com surprise surprise), married him and they now have an 18 month old baby. He's in the army (the husband, not the baby). She was the exception though I think.

I think with my approach it is going to be me and my cats forever, but I would rather that than a) waste time with wankfoxes b) have sex I don't want to have to keep someone interested c) compromise.

OP posts:
SiobhanSharpe · 12/06/2021 13:18

Life with cats and/ or a committed partner sound fine to me. You have standards and I applaud you.

funnylittlefloozie · 12/06/2021 13:20

Is that Victorian? I think it sounds like you have great boundaries and high standards.

ComtesseDeSpair · 12/06/2021 13:21

If you meet somebody and go on dates, and the “back to my place or yours?” question comes up before you think you’d like to have sex, you say “I want to take things slowly / I want to wait until we know each other a bit better.” Somebody who’s compatible with you will be happy to wait until you’re ready; somebody who isn’t, will decide not to keep dating you. So it works out fine.

If you don’t want to move in with somebody then that’s fine. There’s nothing to say you have to, it’s just something you would discuss after you’ve been dating a few months and have the “where is this going, are we both interested in the same sort of relationship?” conversation. I wouldn’t automatically rule out ever living with somebody before you’ve actually met anybody, you may meet somebody great and change your mind, but really it’s just a matter of finding somebody who wants the same things.

Gullible2021 · 12/06/2021 13:22

If you were a man, I'd marry you in a heartbeat lol.

I'm sorry, I don't have the answers, but I have very much the same outlook and attitude as you, except I'd prefer to wait for 3 monthsish before sex...I just have no interest in casual sex outside of a committed relationship. I would prefer to move in after marriage only and wouldn't want children outside of marriage. I think I was just born in the wrong era!

thelegohooverer · 12/06/2021 13:35

If they think you’re a weirdo then you’ve successfully eliminated an unsuitable partner.

You’re looking for the person who respects your boundaries and recognises your value.

What the wankfoxes think is irrelevant.

Sandra15 · 12/06/2021 13:53

Some great answers thank you everyone!

OP posts:
hugoagogo · 12/06/2021 13:54

Wankfoxes is new, I may try it out.
My rule is tell the truth and don't do things you don't want to.

PlanDeRaccordement · 12/06/2021 13:58

That isn’t “Victorian” because Victorian would = months of chaste dates, followed by a minimum year engagement, and sex for first time no earlier than the wedding night.

In fact meeting in May and sex in June of same year is pretty fast moving imho. Faster than I like to go. Which is no problem, just saying you are actually very modern and not at all “victorian”

user1471538283 · 12/06/2021 14:01

I'm the same as you. It isnt a Victorian attitude it is just the way you are wired.

When I was dating I was very clear that I didn't do casual. I had dates with men who then disappeared but they would have anyway.

woodhill · 12/06/2021 14:01

Sounds a good idea to me. Nothing wrong with your attitude 😊

StrongerOrWeaker · 12/06/2021 14:06

I agree- defo do not compromise. I am in a relationship but if I weren't, I would have the same attitude.

whatswithtodaytoday · 12/06/2021 14:06

I haven't dated in a very long time so this may be outdated, but I'm the same as you - never wanted to have sex with someone I didn't know pretty well and was in something of a relationship with. It just doesn't float my boat. It was never a problem with the right people. Of course some vanished as soon as they realised, but I had quite a few longish-term relationships before meeting my partner.

SleepingStandingUp · 12/06/2021 14:06

I mean you were with your ex 6 weeks before you had sex? So not exactly Victorian or "put a ring on it" territory. So I don't think it needs especially announcing on the first date. You meet someone, you don't do anything you're uncomfortable with and you communicate clearly .
Do you want to come back to mine? I'm happy to come back for an actual coffee but I'm not ready for us to sleep together yet. Oh, when will you be? When I feel like we're both serious about us.
If they run, they're the wrong guys.

Re cohabiting, if you mean you never want to live with a guy I think that is something to need to be up front about. "I'm looking for serious but I can't ever imagine living with someone" ISP probably something to say fairly early on as it would be a put off for lots of people wanting a serious relationship

saturdayicecream · 12/06/2021 14:10

I don't think you are sounding Victorian at all.

I have been single for a couple of years. I want to be in a proper relationship and when I start dating I will have the same approach as you.

seensome · 12/06/2021 14:29

I don't find it difficult at all to say what I'm comfortable/uncomfortable with. I always joke I'm Victorian but really it's just putting my own boundaries in place.

GloriousMystery · 12/06/2021 14:34

Nothing Victorian about it. You know your own preferences and stick to them. Personally, I prefer to have sex very early on to avoid a situation where I've really started to like them but they turn out to be woeful in bed, but that's no more 'modern' than your preference is 'Victorian' -- both are just equally workable modes of operating that suit different individuals.

SpringlikeBunk · 12/06/2021 14:48

I think just set boundaries/communicate as you would any other issue or preference?

I don't think any of your preferences are that unusual tbh?

If someone asks you to go back to theirs late at night then it's probably sex focussed. I have male friends who just aren't that "highly sexed" and sex isn't important to them.

If you're texting someone early on mention what you're looking for early on? Say something like "I'd like to go on dates for a while till I get to know someone". Then spend time together as normal.

I guess the best boundaries are invisible - just detach quickly from someone if you don't think you have stuff in common. No victorian pearl-clutching required!

zara40 · 12/06/2021 15:03

You are not remotely “Victorian” OP. You are a normal person.

When I was single I was exactly the same as you. Don’t compromise yourself.

Sandra15 · 12/06/2021 16:45

@SleepingStandingUp

I mean you were with your ex 6 weeks before you had sex? So not exactly Victorian or "put a ring on it" territory. So I don't think it needs especially announcing on the first date. You meet someone, you don't do anything you're uncomfortable with and you communicate clearly . Do you want to come back to mine? I'm happy to come back for an actual coffee but I'm not ready for us to sleep together yet. Oh, when will you be? When I feel like we're both serious about us. If they run, they're the wrong guys.

Re cohabiting, if you mean you never want to live with a guy I think that is something to need to be up front about. "I'm looking for serious but I can't ever imagine living with someone" ISP probably something to say fairly early on as it would be a put off for lots of people wanting a serious relationship

Yes we had been going out about six weeks but it was pretty clear we were serious about each other or it wouldn't have happened.

No, I don't mean I don't want to ever live with anyone, I meant moving into some guy's place/cohabiting. I wouldn't buy a property with a bloke I wasn't planning to marry and I wouldn't give up my house to move in with a guy, unless it was marriage.

OP posts:
VienneseWhirligig · 12/06/2021 16:53

I'd feel similar if I was planning on ever dating again. My late husband was an anomaly - we slept together after 3 dates, but I was just lucky I guess. I was trying on a different approach - have a fling - but I guess I'm not wired that way either as I stayed with him for 20 years! I'm never getting romantically involved again. I also am not a fan of the dating app approach, but luckily it won't affect me!

(One of the people I manage told me to sign up for Tinder if I wanted a laugh at how men view themselves though, she regularly sees men come up in her feed that are at least 15 years older than her upper age limit and not as described!)

pointythings · 12/06/2021 16:56

I don't think you're Victorian at all, you're just sensible with good self esteem and high standards. You're also independent and not willing to give that up - kudos to you. I feel exactly the same. I'm a widow and I have a lovely life - good job, mortgage free house, last DC going to uni in September but I will still be seeing them a lot. Why would I want to give any of that up for a man? Anyone wanting a relationship with me will have to accept that there will be no moving in, no marriage, none of that.

JustAnotherOldMan · 12/06/2021 17:31

All sounds pretty sensible, just explain it the way you explained it on here, us men are also people, we do understand things, as for moving in, just say you don’t want to, personally I’d never want to live with a woman again

motogogo · 12/06/2021 17:55

You are in control, you get to decide the pace and if they don't like it then they aren't for you. But my advice is not to close your mind to anything. If you meet the right person, all your imagined rules might go out the window, they did for me - it was just right

YarnOver · 12/06/2021 20:05

I always had that attitude, and as such have only ever had 3 serious relationships.
2 at uni and I made it clear that I would not sleep with them until we had been seeing each other AND had said that we loved each other.... And if they weren't willing to wait then I wouldn't continue the relationship...
And then the 3rd is my husband.
This was before the days of online dating though as it really did not exist when I was at uni but I mean... The men I was with were accepting of my probably rather prude (I don't know really?!) attitude and it's worked out fine for me!

Stick to what you feel comfortable with. I always have done.

66babe · 12/06/2021 20:47

I have exactly the same attitude and although I have tried the OLD I will never ever do it again
Nothing wrong with having standards morals and boundaries
Casual sex is meaningless
Id rather wait for the real thing and if it doesn't happen I'm really not that fussed