Victorian Dating Attitude!

[Sandra15]

I don't want to do online dating, and I won't. I'm of the opinion that if I meet somebody, I do. I'm not sufficiently interested to go out looking for someone. And I have read about so many losers on here! But here's the thing.

I don't do casual sex. I'm not interested in it and my mojo only works if I am both attracted to and in a mutually committed relationship with someone. But it takes time to get there and most guys these days, with all the choice/sweetshop mentality/swiping etc would just give up. I also don't feel the need for it if I'm not in a relationship with someone - it's as if my mojo is attached to an individual! Of course I see blokes I fancy and say with my girlfriends things like "I would wouldn't you?" but in reality I wouldn't shag a stranger/celebrity even if I got the chance!

When I met my ex, we met in early May and we were definitely mutually attracted straight away we went out every weekend and spoke every day (he lived in Birmingham) and we first slept together late June. We were together for years.

So my question is, how would you handle those difficult first few dates around this subject? How would you make that obvious to a bloke without actually spelling it out and them thinking you're a weirdo?

Another thing I wouldn't do is the 'moving in'. I'd never move in with a guy (I own my own house anyway) My friend was a serial mover-inner and always had to come home to her parents. However she met someone really great (on Match.com surprise surprise), married him and they now have an 18 month old baby. He's in the army (the husband, not the baby). She was the exception though I think.

I think with my approach it is going to be me and my cats forever, but I would rather that than a) waste time with wankfoxes b) have sex I don't want to have to keep someone interested c) compromise.

I don't think how you feel is as unusual as you think it is OP. If someone is put off by your boundaries or you choosing to share those boundaries early doors, they aren't compatible with you so it's a win win for both parties to communicate those boundaries.

I think if I'm honest I would be maybe more put off if someone sort of made out like they believed those boundaries to be extraordinarily unusual or Victorian as they aren't that out there!

This is reassuring. I was worried, because I have read posts on here about people looking for, or having, 'friends with benefits' and stories about losers on online dating platforms. Plus receiving unsolicited mucky messages myself last summer from someone I believed I had clicked with (through research for work of all things) I thought I was as old fashioned as fans and smelling salts.

OLD would definitely be suitable for you. It sounds like you have very clear boundaries and are in a good headspace for it. You don’t sound Victorian at all, you sound sensible.

I multiple dated online but didn’t sleep with anyone until there was complete commitment established, absolutely no grey area of what were we/where we were going.

I would get online but make yourself a list of non-negotiables, have as high standards as you wish. Unless someone clearly meets those standards, do not match with them.

When chatting, any sex related chat should be immediately blocked without a moral clapback. Just don’t waste your energy. Even bloody little winky faces or innuendo would get the block as no man who I would want to spend time with would see that as appropriate conversation for a stranger

I have supported friends on online dating- unfortunately all of those who have just wanted a shag or a convenient, ‘let’s see where things gooooo’ relationship-but-no-labels did all start off with definite sexual undercurrents or comments on their body which were inappropriate. Their colours were shown right away but friends ignored the flags as to not appear prudish or judgemental.

@Sandra15

This is reassuring. I was worried, because I have read posts on here about people looking for, or having, 'friends with benefits' and stories about losers on online dating platforms. Plus receiving unsolicited mucky messages myself last summer from someone I believed I had clicked with (through research for work of all things) I thought I was as old fashioned as fans and smelling salts.

Something to remember- despite having boundaries, don’t announce them. You’re essentially giving away a cheat sheet then.

For example, don’t say things like “I only have sex in a relationship” because then some men will try and lock you down as ‘exclusive’ right away. If sex comes up after a few dates, naturally, and you really like them but don’t want to rush- a simple ‘I don’t know you well enough yet…’ gets the message across without giving too much away. Keep your cards to your chest. A sense of mystery. Any more mucky messages, just block.

Dating is fun! Enjoy it.

Yes we need more of this.. its refreshing and strong! I had a 6 month rule, even kissing was out. I think men love it secretly, they are wired to chase.. anyway he waited (didnt make quite 6 months) and we have children now. It weedles out the wrong uns.

More power to you.

He's in the army (the husband, not the baby

I thought I was as old fashioned as fans and smelling salts.

You sound like a right laugh. You also sound exactly like me, 15 years ago. Keep doing what you are doing. I stuck it out, kept my standards high and met my husband to whom I have been happily married for 13 years. I agree with previous posters: why announce your approach to dating? Let them find out: you are the prize.

You’re not victorian at all, you just know what works for you. I’m similar, I have zero interest in casual sex, it just isn’t for me, unless I’m in a relationship with someone and I love them then I don’t want to have sex with them.

I’m quite shy until I get to know someone so I didn’t feel confident enough to do online dating, even if I’d been talking to someone online and appeared quite chatty I know I would have still really struggled to talk to them on the first real life meeting.

I used a dating agency, having them ‘interview’ me and set up my profile etc wasn’t as cringe as I thought it would be, plus it removed the risk of catfishers etc. The one I used offered a mixture of singles nights and a one on one matching service (like on the undateables).

I met my husband through them, hes great, has to be to survive being with me.

I’m exactly the same. Completely normal OP.