Non contact when they don't know... Feeling increasingly stressed.

[GreenBinLid]

Will try to keep this short.

Had a non problematic childhood with paternal grandparents. Fond memories. No issues. Find out in my teens there were issues with my dad's childhood. Serious issues. Abuse. Physical. Psychological. With his 2 siblings too.

I then find out grandad is actually my step-grandad and he had a lot or resentment to kids. Army background. Corporal punishment to absolute abuse territory.

Abandoned my dad at 13. Sent him to a home where he endured more abuse at hands of other residents and carers.

He was also seriously abused by the police at 14.

I won't go into details but it was awful and at a court hearing my Grandparents had the opportunity to take him home or put him back into the system. The court records say my grandma just said 'take him away. I don't want him'

Since learning all this I felt very mad at them but I hid it because my Dad now has an amicable relationship with them and doesn't wnat anything dragged up.

His choice and I dont judge it.

However, as my own sons have approached the age all this went on I have found it harder and harder to communicate with them.

I do not see them often. Maybe once or twice a year and not at all since covid.

I told my mum I wanted to go NC and tell them why. She asked me not to because it will have reprocussions for Dad.

And she also doesn't want me to jeopardise my inhertence from them (I am really poor but TBH I don't want a penny from them anyway!)

I've gone NC but not explained why or said anything.

They still send birthday cards to me and kids with money in. Makes me uncomfortable.

They call on birthdays which I don't answer. Which makes me uncomfortable.

They text to wish happy birthday /Xmas /new year which I ignore.

Grandad leaves voice messages.

They've not said anything about me ignoring them just carry on with the norm.

It's stressing me out the continued contact because I feel guilty.

I would rather say, look, this is what I know and because of that I don't feel comfortable being in contact with you. Please don't send cards etc anymore.

But I've been asked not to by the person who is the actual victim of their behaviour.

They've never actually wronged me, but I can't forgive what they did (it is MUCH worse than what I've documented here but I don't want to turn the thread into that, it's not my story to tell)

I feel quite stuck and it's becoming increasingly embarrassing and stressful having cards arrive, voice messages.

I don't doubt the validity in my choice. These people are child abusers and also contributed heavily to the death of my uncle (again I don't want to go I to that but its horrifically sad)

I'm at a loss what to do without causing shit.

Also I told my mum I didn't want my inheritance and wanted to tell them so but she says dad feels it's compensation for what he went through.

So sad. It's hard to think that people can behave like that towards their own DC (or step dc). Obviously your fil has got mental problems. If there's an inheritance at stake you could always invest it for your own children.

If your Dad has made his peace, you're actually punishing him by making things difficult. You could answer the phone and have a brief conversation, then the stress would be gone.

Not fil. Step grandad.

@Lougle

If your Dad has made his peace, you're actually punishing him by making things difficult. You could answer the phone and have a brief conversation, then the stress would be gone.

But I don't want to. I don't have any obligation to talk to anyone, especially people who are child abusers.

I love my Dad to pieces but I've done what you've said for around 20 years, hidden these feelings and smiled at these monsters.

I can't do it anymore.

And I don't think I'm punishing my Dad, I've respected his request to not talk about it with them. Im trying not to rock the boat whilst standing by my own convictions.

It was really serious abuse :(

This is so incredibly sad. Is you’re Dad frightened of them perhaps. Maybe in some way, you being able to have a ‘normal’ relationship with your grandparents is further punishment to your father, like them demonstrating that it’s not them , they are not cruel, so it must be about him ( your father) It’s not clear how you found out, and whether or not you’ve actually spoken to your father about this, but I would probably talk to him. Your grandparents final act would likely be to leave you and you’re father nothing anyway in their wills. I know I would feel like you, so sorry for your and your dad’s situation.

I have been in your dads shoes.

I drew a line underneath it when DC1 was born.

They are wonderful grandparents (Although I never allow unsupervised access).

every time a friend or relative brings the past up, I have to ask them to stop.

It's just easier for me, this way. Forgiveness feels better than carrying a ball of angry fire in your stomach 24/7.

"I told my mum I wanted to go NC and tell them why. She asked me not to because it will have reprocussions for Dad."

"And I don't think I'm punishing my Dad, I've respected his request to not talk about it with them. Im trying not to rock the boat whilst standing by my own convictions."

Your Mum has told you that your actions make it worse for your Dad. You're not helping him. You can stand by your convictions but it will come at a cost, and not to you.

Sometimes loving someone means you have to do something you don't want to do. I don't think you need to go as far as face to face visits - you can be extremely busy any time they want to meet up. But I do think you need to do the polite phonecall if it makes it easier on your Dad, personally.

I do think in this instance you follow your Dad’s wishes. It was his pain, his suffering. However I’d probably withdraw subtly as much as I could, because I’d be so angry. But in a way that didn’t hurt my Dad.

So there is a middle ground. The person who needs to live without any more pain in his life is your Dad. Put that angry energy into making his life wonderful and loved.

I told my mum I wanted to go NC and tell them why. She asked me not to because it will have reprocussions for Dad.

I would rather say, look, this is what I know and because of that I don't feel comfortable being in contact with you. Please don't send cards etc anymore.

But I've been asked not to by the person who is the actual victim of their behaviour.

I'm sorry you've found yourself in this extremely difficult position, OP. Have you actually discussed all of this with your dad? The above makes it sound like maybe you haven't, perhaps you've just discussed it with your mum.

So they were wonderful parents to you, but horrific abusers of your Dad? This seems strange.

I’d do whatever made it easier for my dad

OP, you are making this too much about you. When the cards arrive, put them straight into recycling bin outside. Block them on phone so they can't send texts or voice notes. You already don't visit or see them. They'll soon get the message. If they want to leave you money in your inheritance then give it away to a children's charity.
This is not your decision to make, it is your dad's.

I agree with others, do what your Dad wants you to do. People can move on and change.
Just keep the peace for your Dad’s sake. This is not the same as covering up child abuse, it’s just not you who was the victim.

I feel for you.

Not quite the same same background but my Mum had similar childhood experiences.

Oddily she and her sisters seem idolise their father as adults and the grandchildren expected to have a relationship with him - I struggled as I couldn’t respect him (we experienced some of his controlling behaviour as children, so could see what he was capable off) My Mum really wanted us all to have a relationship with him ....I couldn’t I felt nothing for him.

He passed away a few years ago, in his death it showed what sort of person he was. His funeral had very few people attend - he has a lot of grandchildren/great grandchildren only 4 of us attended, only half of his children attended.

I felt like a fraud going as I had no feelings for him I went to support my Mum and that’s it.

@Bluedeblue

It's very common, my own mother was a monster when I was a child. I told her her husbands friend was sexually abusing me and she said I must have wanted it etc. Not something you say to a 13-14 year old. But she was a great nan when given the opportunity.

I agree that you need to forgive them op. This isn't your pain or trauma, it's your dads. He has forgiven them and you need to for your dads sake. I spent 25 years carrying anger at my parents around and all it did was cause me a breakdown. I had intensive therapy and then I let it all go. And it's the best, most freeing thing I've ever experienced. Honestly, try it - for your dad if not for you.

“ But I don't want to. I don't have any obligation to talk to anyone, especially people who are child abusers.”

Do why come on here and all for advice. Just do what you want then

I would remain NC to honour my own feelings
Not tell them to honour Dad's feelings
And get some counselling to help me process my feelings, and hopefully free myself from the guilt, obligation and shame.

That's what I would do in this situation, but we all have different perspectives. You need to honour your own feelings and own family.

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this, you are allowed time to process how you feel, discuss it, and come to a decision. You don't have to just suck it up and get over it, not even for your Dad.

Its very sad that your parents assume there will be an inheritance, or that anything they do can influence that. IME its very common in these cases for the last 'fuck you' to be the loss of any inheritance.
So it may be that the GP will pass the money to your boys and bypass your Dad. Or it may be there is nothing to leave.

You are right to let go of the hope of inheriting. That way, there can be no harm done to you when the time comes. Unfortunately, it may be devastating for your Dad. He may feel he went through all that for nothing.
When you talk to your Dad emphasize things like 'family comes first', 'money isn't important', 'look to the future', and remind him you love him. He may believe he is doing this for you, let him know he is worth more to you than tainted money.

You need some counselling to process this.

Continue as you are, avoid them and respect your fathers wishes.

Any money could help your children. Take it and use it to help your children in the future.

Your dad wants to keep a relationship with them, and he is the victim here.

It's not your place to tell them why you don't want contact. It's not your battle to fight, and you've no right to take away your dad's choices, he had that done to him enough in his childhood.

Just continue as you are.

@LizJamIsFab

I agree with others, do what your Dad wants you to do. People can move on and change. Just keep the peace for your Dad’s sake. This is not the same as covering up child abuse, it’s just not you who was the victim.

But op does not want contact with child abusers - so why should she do what someone else wants, irrespective of the fact they were the victim.

@GreenBinLid I wouldnt want them anywhere near my kids, they don't deserve to get a second chance at playing happy families when they tortured their first family, their own children. You could simply block their numbers therefore avoiding all calls. If they send cards, bin them and give any money to the NSPCC or a similar charity. Who cares if they think they are still wonderful grandparents. They aren't and you don't have to play ball and pretend everything is fine. As for your father, it's up to him how he wants to deal with his past but he doesn't get to decide how you deal with the situation you find yourself in.

There's also a case to be made that OP's parents are incapable of safeguarding OP's children when it comes to the grandparents, because they haven't processed the trauma themselves. They are in thrall to the imaginary inheritance.

As someone who's suffered abuse, I'm thinking about what I'd want. I'd want you to do whatever helped me. If that meant staying in touch, so be it. Never leave them unsupervised with your DC.