Non contact when they don't know... Feeling increasingly stressed.

[GreenBinLid]

Will try to keep this short.

Had a non problematic childhood with paternal grandparents. Fond memories. No issues. Find out in my teens there were issues with my dad's childhood. Serious issues. Abuse. Physical. Psychological. With his 2 siblings too.

I then find out grandad is actually my step-grandad and he had a lot or resentment to kids. Army background. Corporal punishment to absolute abuse territory.

Abandoned my dad at 13. Sent him to a home where he endured more abuse at hands of other residents and carers.

He was also seriously abused by the police at 14.

I won't go into details but it was awful and at a court hearing my Grandparents had the opportunity to take him home or put him back into the system. The court records say my grandma just said 'take him away. I don't want him'

Since learning all this I felt very mad at them but I hid it because my Dad now has an amicable relationship with them and doesn't wnat anything dragged up.

His choice and I dont judge it.

However, as my own sons have approached the age all this went on I have found it harder and harder to communicate with them.

I do not see them often. Maybe once or twice a year and not at all since covid.

I told my mum I wanted to go NC and tell them why. She asked me not to because it will have reprocussions for Dad.

And she also doesn't want me to jeopardise my inhertence from them (I am really poor but TBH I don't want a penny from them anyway!)

I've gone NC but not explained why or said anything.

They still send birthday cards to me and kids with money in. Makes me uncomfortable.

They call on birthdays which I don't answer. Which makes me uncomfortable.

They text to wish happy birthday /Xmas /new year which I ignore.

Grandad leaves voice messages.

They've not said anything about me ignoring them just carry on with the norm.

It's stressing me out the continued contact because I feel guilty.

I would rather say, look, this is what I know and because of that I don't feel comfortable being in contact with you. Please don't send cards etc anymore.

But I've been asked not to by the person who is the actual victim of their behaviour.

They've never actually wronged me, but I can't forgive what they did (it is MUCH worse than what I've documented here but I don't want to turn the thread into that, it's not my story to tell)

I feel quite stuck and it's becoming increasingly embarrassing and stressful having cards arrive, voice messages.

I don't doubt the validity in my choice. These people are child abusers and also contributed heavily to the death of my uncle (again I don't want to go I to that but its horrifically sad)

I'm at a loss what to do without causing shit.

OP is perfectly entitled to keep her children away from the grandparents and have no contact herself.

But she hasn't got the right to make her dad's trauma about her.

I don't think anyone is telling her to make herself or her children vulnerable to them. But it's not up to her to drag up her dad's experiences into the light if he doesn't want to. he's the victim, fgs. Not her.

How come you were raised by your gps not your mum or dad?

I think that’s a relevant detail. You’re acting out of loyalty to your father but your father didn’t raise you and allowed you to live with people he says were dangerous and abusive. How did that come to happen and how do you reconcile his account of who they were and his letting you be raised by them?

I don't think OP said she was raised by her grandparents, I'm not sure where you're getting that from?

@category12

OP is perfectly entitled to keep her children away from the grandparents and have no contact herself.

But she hasn't got the right to make her dad's trauma about her.

I don't think anyone is telling her to make herself or her children vulnerable to them. But it's not up to her to drag up her dad's experiences into the light if he doesn't want to. he's the victim, fgs. Not her.

This is the most on the ball comment I’ve read on this thread.

I had a grandparent who was abusive to my mother. My mother also wanted to let things lie on the whole and it was her trauma. People who have suffered trauma - it’s a huge big deal to even tell your parents or be ‘out’ with the truth. By going NC you are crossing a line - you are ‘outing’ your parents trauma. It’s not your place.

However it’s perfectly possible to safeguard our own children or any others. I never let my kids near them and visited briefly only once every couple of years. Sent birthday and Christmas cards with perfunctory presents and that was it. I only did that because my mother would have to answer the question why not, if we didn’t.

So my mother was protected. My kids were protected (and others - I made sure anyone with kids knew who were in contact - in agreement with my mother - which was only one other person).

And I didn’t give them a second thought and eradicated them from my life, quietly but in my mind, firmly. I then spent a lot of time just supporting my mother who opened up a lot to me and was able to process a lot of it through me. I should get counseling myself as you should too OP.

It was this, Had a non problematic childhood with paternal grandparents that made me think she was raised by GPs.

I don't think that's what OP meant though - I think she meant she had them in her life as a child without any issues, not that she lived with them.

Your father is the victim here.
The victims wishes should be listened too and respected. You are in danger of increasing your fathers trauma and damaging his coping strategies.

It’s a difficult situation. You should respect your dad’s wishes but I understand not wishing to be around child abusers. Also people talk about forgiveness but it’s hard to give forgiveness if the abuser doesn’t acknowledge what they did.

It was this, Had a non problematic childhood with paternal grandparents that made me think she was raised by GPs.

I don't think that's what OP meant though - I think she meant she had them in her life as a child without any issues, not that she lived with them.

To add: But I do agree even that was a problematic choice by her father - and maybe that's worth exploring in therapy or with her parents.

I did not live with them.
. I appreciate the comments and I understand the insight. It is his trauma but as an adult I also won't be forced to talk to someone who is a child abuser.

I think people forgive more because its 'just' physical and emotional abuse.

Would you say I should ring them to say hello if they were paedos?

It's just as damaging.

My dad doesn't have a relationship with them. He does the same as all of us. Says hello at Xmas. Birthdays et... So it's not like he sees them. He hates them. Jokes all the time about them dying and how happy he will be but just says' they're old. It's done now'
. But I don't believe just aging gives you a pass on all the disgusting shit you did as a younger person.

I just can't contact them.

I won't rock the boat or say anything. I think they will eventually just stop texting/sending cards.

@GreenBinLid

Also I told my mum I didn't want my inheritance and wanted to tell them so but she says dad feels it's compensation for what he went through.

My mum felt like that after an abusive childhood, and she so enjoys having money and being able to share it with her family. I'm glad she has that.

I'm honestly trying to withdraw quietly and without drama. I'm not trying to make it about me. I have serious MH issues myself and I can't deal with the contact. I feel like one day I might snap and say things I shouldn't because of my issues.

It sounds as if you are both respecting your father then and your feelings also - I’m glad you’ve taken this course and perhaps your mental health issues could be helped by your support of your Dad. I don’t mean talking about it necessarily. Just being there for him. Doing small things that show you appreciate him, that kind of thing.