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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Don't know what his issue is

32 replies

MissM94 · 11/06/2021 22:15

Bit of a long one!
Me and boyfriend have been in such an amazing place and not even had a disagreement for ages & now something minor has happened and it's potentially ruined the whole weekend!
Last night, boyfriend was in bed with the lamp on and the big light was on aswell, I left the room to brush my teeth turned the big light off, 30 seconds later I run back in to show him my tan on my neck and put the big light on and I shit you not, his face was scrunched up, his hands were scrunched and through gritted teeth he shouted "nobhead, you do it every fucking time" my face was literally like 😳 I was so embarrassed, it was like my dad telling me off! So as soon as he did it he went to smile and tried to grab my shorts to pull me back as I walked off, told him to get off me and went back in the bathroom then he was muttering shite.. when I came back to bed he apologised and I told him I'm not interested. Went to work today and decided to address it so texted him on my break and he apologised said it winds him up when I put the light on but it was an overreaction, so I replied okay.. and that's all the conversation we had? I didn't hear a single thing back off him all day, we're normally back and forth on breaks speaking to eachother, I've come home from work at 8 and he's not even said hello which he normally does? Hes literally been sat in the front room watching football and I've had a bath and gone in the bedroom and it's like I'm walking on eggshells.. I'm so confused?! He's being really fucking strange like I've done something wrong to him?! You wouldn't think he's just been a dick head with me.. supposed to be going to the beach tomorrow, can't wait for a weekend of silence 🙃

OP posts:
NameChangeNamaste · 12/06/2021 00:14

Does he often have unprompted outbursts like this?

category12 · 12/06/2021 07:52

If you guys can't get over minor disagreements without it dragging over entire weekends, then perhaps this isn't the right relationship for you.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 12/06/2021 07:54

How long have you been together?

cariadlet · 12/06/2021 08:01

It is really annoying when someone switches on a bright main light when you have got used to the dimmer light of a lamp so I totally get his reaction at the time.

But it is ridiculously childish and petty to still be sulking about it the next day.

Indoorcamping · 12/06/2021 08:05

He knows he was a dick but hates that you called him out on it. He's sulking to punish you so you'll never call out his shit behaviour again.

Bananalanacake · 12/06/2021 08:30

If you don't have dc together there's no point in living together, could you live apart and see him once a week.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 12/06/2021 08:40

It was a minor disagreement and he apologised. You are in the wrong for not accepting his apology and dragging it out.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/06/2021 08:44

What Indoorcamping wrote earlier.

His apology was a non apology in that he has blamed OP for his own behaviour. Abusive men never take any responsibility for their own actions. His silent treatment now is an example of emotional abuse.

Original poster
MissM94 · 12/06/2021 09:17

@NameChangeNamaste he can sometimes yeah! That's definitely not the first time

@category12 thanks for your input

@Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep over 2 years

@cariadlet I get that, but it was off for not even 30 seconds and a very embarrassing reaction 😅

@Bananalanacake why do we have to have children together to live together? You would rather people see eachother ONCE a week, then move in together with a newborn and that will be an amazing situation when you don't even know what the other persons like? We're alright living together, thanks for your input

@Indoorcamping & @AttilaTheMeerkat so glad you can see what I can! I've never been able to be okay with someone the minute they've been a bastard, it takes me longer to come around.. but honestly he can lose his temper and the next minute be completely fine/normal I say it's like Jekyll and Hyde. I brought up him not speaking to me and he's fully making out like he's not gone out of his way to not speak to me & is just trying to be normal now but it doesn't sit right with me him behaving like that and just cos he's finished, everything has to be normal.. men eh, bunch of dick heads 😅

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/06/2021 09:38

Not all men are dickheads but this man certainly is.

He will turn again at some point also as certain as night follows day.

Defending yourself and actions continuously to such a man like this won't work either in the long run as he will merely keep on moving the goalposts. Also some men like supposedly strong women as well because it gives them an additional challenge to bring the woman to heel.

The best thing for you to do for your own self is to end the relationship. He is continuously showing you the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and now he is back in the nice cycle. It will not last.

Northernparent68 · 12/06/2021 10:23

If you won’t accept his apology on the night and then send texts still going on about it, how do you expect him to respond. ?

I think you turned the light on to wind him up

wewereliars · 12/06/2021 10:26

Northernparent68 maybe he should respond like a normal human being?

CurryLover55 · 12/06/2021 10:29

Totally out of order to call you a knobhead OP!

Lili132 · 12/06/2021 10:46

He was in the wrong but he apologied and instead of saying to him you needed time to calm down or think about it you rejected his apology and pushed him away.
Then you decide to address the situation in the text instead of face to face and he apologies again and admits he over reacted. All you reply is "OK" then wonder why conversation ends there (not like you can have a proper conversation in a text anyway).
I do not excuse his behaviour, I would hate if someone talked to me like that and I also would need time but the way you go around it would drive me nuts too. I would not know how to approach you if I was him.

Too be honest I'm not sure what else you want from him? If he apologises and you get cold there is nothing he can do or nothing he will feel like doing. He will shut down.
That's not to say that you have no right to be angry or act like nothing happened. If his behaviour happens regularly then you need to have a serious talk about how you feel, where your boundaries are and what needs to change and what consequences will follow if it doesn't. But you both need to talk constructively.
At the moment you're going in circles.

category12 · 12/06/2021 10:53

It just seems really juvenile. He overreacted to you turning on the light, realised he had and tried to pull it back, you huffed off and then you've been at daggers drawn since.

Bluntness100 · 12/06/2021 10:57

Yes how old are your both? You sound like teenagers.

cariadlet · 12/06/2021 11:17

After reading other posts and rereading the op more carefully, I'm feeling more sympathetic to your boyfriend.

I still don't think he should be giving you the silent treatment the next day and you shouldn't be feeling that you are treading on eggshells but you are the one who prolonged the argument in the first place.

He yelled because you switched the bright light on. You thought he overreacted and were upset so he apologised. That should have been the end of it but you refused to accept his apology.

Then you texted him at work the following day, not just a normal chatty text but a text to "address the issue". You didn't try and forget a fairly minor tiff; you sought to prolong the argument. I can see why he felt that you were having a go at him. He apologised again but that doesn't seem to have been good enough.

He shouldn't have ignored you when you got in from work but I understand why he was fed up.

cariadlet · 12/06/2021 11:19

After reading other posts and rereading the op more carefully, I'm feeling more sympathetic to your boyfriend.

I still don't think he should be giving the silent treatment the next day and you shouldn't be feeling that you are treading on eggshells but you are the one who prolonged the argument in the first place.

He yelled because you switched the bright light on. You thought he overreacted and were upset so he apologised. That should have been the end of it but you refused to accept his apology.

Then you texted him at work the following day, not just a normal chatty text but a text to "address the issue". You didn't try and forget a fairly minor tiff; you sought to prolong the argument. I can see why he felt that you were having a go at him. He apologised again but that doesn't seem to have been good enough.

He shouldn't have ignored you when you got in from work but I understand why he was fed up.

UnderTheSkyInsideTheSea · 12/06/2021 11:29

If you’d cleaned your teeth in the meantime, it was at least a couple of minutes, not 30 secs (if you did them properly Wink) - I’d have been pretty pissed off at you putting the overhead light back on without warning me, too.

Basically… you did something annoying, he snapped at you then immediately tried to soften it/ make it right, and you stropped off. Now you’re both sulking. 🤷🏻‍♀️

sunnyblackwidow · 12/06/2021 11:42

He is punishing you for defending / standing up for yourself.

Over time in a relationship like this you will learn not to call him out in his behaviour, you will become submissive and allow all sorts of bad behaviour just to keep the peace. This will make you unhappy and you will internalise your feelings and draw away from him, he'll sense this and it'll make him feel angry and insecure, so in order to control you and have you prove your love for him he will continually move the goal posts.

HappyWipings · 12/06/2021 12:33

Can people please stop defending his behaviour. A normal reaction would be to groan , then ask for the light to be switched off. His was over the top.

OP , he most probably has anger issues. Keep an eye on him.

Original poster
MissM94 · 12/06/2021 13:32

@Northernparent68 oh you caught me! 👀 got better things to do than wind him up 😂😂😂 get a grip

OP posts:
Original poster
MissM94 · 12/06/2021 13:34

@cariadlet we was having a brief normal chat, then I just addressed it so wasn't a random excuse to just have a go, thanks for your input

OP posts:
Cockenspiel · 12/06/2021 13:46

OP I was with you from the first post, but with each response you’ve made, you’re sounding more and more like a tiresome dickhead yourself. 🤷🏻‍♀️

VettiyaIruken · 12/06/2021 13:54

Oh my god my husband does this and it fucks me right off!

Turns a light off when leaving a room.
Walks into my work room and closes the bloody window. That I had open because I wanted it open!

Time and time and time again.

I admit I've lost my shit before. Am I invisible or something? Who the fuck turns off a light when leaving the room when there's another person still in there?

He is being a mardy fucker about it but it really really is rage inducing behaviour.

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