All in my head or is it abuse?

[PurpleRainStorm1987]

Ok so ive been married for 12 years, ive 3 young children (2 under 5 and 1 who is 6yrs old) my 6 yr old has learning and behavioural disabilities.
My husband has me constantly doubting my own mind, im an argument or if i say i dont like something he has done he twists it so that its my fault or ive made it up, it didnt happen how i remember it.
He also shouts and screams at our eldest son when he wont do as he is told, he slams his fist down on the table next to him or the sofa, or the kitchen worktop, whichever he is near. He has slammed my sons door shut so hard that the entire handle has fallen off. Pictures have fallen from the walls, there are cracks around every door frame. He says things like he is done dealing with our son. Im always the one to calm our son down, who screams mummy mummy when husband gets angry, son is scared. Husband will drag him to where son is supposed to be (like if ive called him through to the livingroom & he hasnt come) by his arms & sometimes by arm & tshirt. Our son constantly says thinks like he wants a different daddy & daddy is nasty & daddy needs to go away.
I raise it with husband & he twists it all saying he didnt drag by arms he was holding hands, yet i clearly saw red marks on sons arms, husband says they werent there, not possible & im seeing things. I doubt my own mind.
What do i do? I have no job, he convinced me it would be better me staying home with the kids, no car, nothing, im solely reliant upon him.

You know it's abuse which is why you are here. What do you need to change the situation? Who can you get that from and how can we support you?

Please please contact Women’s Aid.

He’s abusing your son and he’s abusing you. You have to protect your children by getting away from him.

I’m very sorry to read about how he treats your son. It’s horrifying. No child should ever suffer in this way.

How the hell can you stand by and allow this bully to abuse an innocent little boy, your son. Please phone SS immediately and report him. If an incident occurs before SS act, phone the police.

I cannot believe what I'm reading.

You are standing by and let him physically and verbally abuse your son. If I were your neighbour, I'd be reporting to social services.

Call the police. They'll have him out in 10 seconds flat.

This is horrific abuse. I'm so sorry that you're in this situation.

You now have to choose to leave and keep your children safe. If social services get involved again and you're not taking steps to leave and protect your child, they could remove your children from your care.

Please contact women's aid, family and friends that could help and the police.
See what free legal advice you're entitled to.
Good luck x

I am surprised that SS removed and then allowed him back without following up or giving you a way to follow up.

Because if this is real you need too otherwise your son could be removed from both of you.

You need to protect him

Your son needs you to protect him and get this bully gone. My ex was an abusive arse but he would only have abused my son once. Your son has no choice here, you do OP.

Fuck sake what is wrong with you?!!!! He is abusing your poor son and you won’t leave because what reason????????? This makes me so angry you’re his mother your supposed to protect him! Your husband is an absolute disgrace and I hope he gets locked away, abusing a position of power is lower than shark shit.

@Quartz2208

I am surprised that SS removed and then allowed him back without following up or giving you a way to follow up.

Because if this is real you need too otherwise your son could be removed from both of you.

You need to protect him

Exactly. When SS were involved because of my abusive ex, there was a lot of contact going forward, and a family worker to help support me with the kids and making sure they were ok etc. It certainly wasn't 'ok then, see ya'!

No he hasnt hit me ever. Just our eldest son
Just?! Ffs.

Phone social services again this morning as soon as he leaves for work . It's your job to protect your child.

I can't believe some of the comments. the op has MH issues and a brand new baby. She must feel so vulnerable, sleep deprived and physical weak. Please be kind.

Op, do you have a HV? Is your husband working out of the house?

I can understand why you are so confused as any new mum would be let alone with an abusive partner.

Just reach out to someone? Ate the school involved in your sons behaviour, have they been helpful?

Within a year of leaving my ex I was off medication, my case closed with the mental health team and my children no longer with social services. It took longer to rebuild my self esteem and the rest of my life, and there are still financial issues and some trauma I will be working through for a many years still I'm sure. My children still have their issues, but these are improving the longer they are out of that environment, and also the better I am.

My ex used to say I was crazy and paranoid, when really i was just picking up on signals that he wasn't a safe person and that me and my kids were not safe. So much of my "mental health" was actually his emotional abuse and constant gaslighting. He could convince me my eyes hadn't seen what they had seen, or my mind had remembered it wrong.

I did also have a lot of trauma and dysfunction myself which I bought in to that relationship, that's what made me vulnerable to him in the first place. But since leaving him I have been working on these life long issues too and now know a freedom and peace of mind I had never known before.

Our financial situation is still a mess and our housing situation is worse than it would have been, I had to make an awful lot of sacrifices, but a few years in it is coming right now. The sooner you leave, the sooner you get to be happy. And the sooner your children will start to heal.

Oh lovey. Its not "all in your head". You're not too sensitive. You're not imagining things.

That man abuses women and disabled children. He may not have hurt your baby or your little girl yet, but he will. Go back to Social Services and ask for their help. This time, listen to them and not your husband. He will seriously hurt you and the children. As a mum, your only job is to keep them safe.

There are always a thousand reasons to stay. There is only one reason to leave, but its the only one that matters; to keep you and your children safe and alive.

@Fireflygal

I can't believe some of the comments. the op has MH issues and a brand new baby. She must feel so vulnerable, sleep deprived and physical weak. Please be kind.

Op, do you have a HV? Is your husband working out of the house?

I can understand why you are so confused as any new mum would be let alone with an abusive partner.

Just reach out to someone? Ate the school involved in your sons behaviour, have they been helpful?

Thank you. Yes i do feel extremely vulnerable and i am doing every single thing i can to help myself and my son. I have already told the health visitor what is going on and SS have already been in touch.

Huge hugs. You are so very vulnerable.

Keep reporting his behaviour.

Can you go and see your GP and explain how he is using your diagnosis against you to back out that you are exaggerating? BPD is often misdiagnosed instead of complex PTSD and with your childhood and current situation I wouldn't be surprised if it were that instead!!!

You can do this @PurpleRainStorm1987
You know he needs to go.
It feels too much, no doubt it will be hard.

It will be better. I can promise that.

It isn't your fault, it's all him.
It is you that has to fix this though and you need a bit of help.

With three kids and not working you should be entitled to a fair amount if benefits once he is out.

If your name is on the property too op then you should look into selling up and getting your share (and giving yourself and your kids a fresh start elsewhere). Though it might be easier to get this done via divorce proceedings.

Get the fuck out.

And as pp said, is it only after you got together with him that you were diagnosed with bpd? Because it might not be what's happening if so. Might be abuse trauma.

Kick him out and call social services again, you need to protect your child and yourself.

Can we try and be kind to the OP please. She is vulnerable and as much as we would all like to say we would protect our kids better in that situation, OP could be at higher risk of rocking the boat without proper, considered intervention. She also had a newborn baby. So just be kind. She knows it's a bad situation and just wants help

OP - please contact SS, your HV, GP and woman's aid. Let's get this man removed permanently. All other considerations like housing and financials can be sorted out. It's paramount that you get your DH removed and have some safeguarding in place so that he doesn't escalate.

You must be exhausted. It is heartbreaking trying to protect your children from their own father (I have been there)

Think about this logically your H hasn't hit you but has hit your DS please protect that child.
Your DS might have learning difficulties but he is aware that your H is abusing him.
Please call the SS or even the police if he is leaving marks on that poor child.
It won't be long before H starts on the other children and then you.
Where is the line that mustn't be crossed. Oh hang on it has already been reached.
Get rid of the bulling b***d.
Good luck OP in getting the support that you desperately need.

Speak to the National Domestic Violence helpline to get help arranging an occupation order to get him out of the house.

You shouldn’t have to leave. He has to go and sort himself out with family or whatever. Your children and you will take priority over this abusive bully. Call the police and social services , you need to do the right thing here.
My heart goes out to you, how you are coping is truly admirable. You have all this to deal with and have just had a baby. You are strong and can be stronger. Imagine a life without him in it. No shouting, no breakages and most importantly no marks on your poor little boys arms. I am sure the police will take a very dim view of this.
It most certainly is abuse and there are agencies out there to help you.
Best of luck OP.