Fed up

[Sheeeeeep]

I have to be fair here and say I am bloody knackered, so some of this might be exhaustion, but I’m starting to question my relationship big time.

It’s fair to say I’ve always been the default parent but then I’m on mat leave. But lately husband has done nothing. Can visibly see I’m struggling with no sleep and doesn’t offer to have dd for a night or a couple of hours in the day. He used to have her for two hours in the morning so I could sleep but that’s stopped.

He rarely leaves the fucking house and I’m starting to resent constantly having to be out because it’s his domain if you like. It’s cloying and suffocating, I want some time alone.

Yet at the same time it’s not bad enough to leave. Not sure why I’m posting but I do feel a bit down when I see how much other dads do!

Have you talked to him about it ?
Tell him how you feel and how it's getting you down before it gets out of hand and you might want to strangle him with a maternity bra

What’s the point? If he wanted to help, he would

Maybe he doesn't see it? Maybe he thinks your coping well ? Do you ever criticise anything he does to help ? Please sit down , don't raise your voice and start something like
" can we talk I'm really struggling here ? "
Some people are very intuitive to others needs and some are just not unfortunately
What can you lose by trying?

That’s not really what I’m saying though. I’m coping because I literally have no choice and that’s the position I’ve been forced into.

@Sheeeeeep

What’s the point? If he wanted to help, he would

I understand this,,, he can or should see that your not coping but he's not he's choosing to ignore it and just do him. My H did this, 10 years on an full of resentment and no love later, am sorting my ducks

It's frustrating but possibly a bit unreasonable to expect him to read your mind and know what you want. The best couples communicate well, it would've been nice for him to notice your struggle and offer but don't spite yourself by not asking :)

You definitely need to talk to him. He almost definitely doesn’t know how you feel or what you’re thinking.

I’m not having this pinned on me, I’m sorry, I’m really not.

Before I had her he said ‘why don’t you bottle feed, then I can share the load at nights?’

He has not done one night feed since she was about 6/7 weeks.

He goes out when he wants, in the evening leaving me with her when she’s at her most difficult.

I buy pretty much all her clothes, toys and everything else despite earning next to nothing.

I don’t even get a couple of hours in the morning now.

If I talked to him I think that would be it. So I’m just seething silently. I know that’s stupid but it’s why I’m posting here.

you can't keep silently seething. That achieves nothing. He might be oblivious. Or he might just not care. Without asking him specifically to do a task you won't know which it is.

Be specific. I want Saturday morning to be your time with dd. So I can have a rest. I have booked you into for swimming. Or whatever.

My ex was the same. He did nothing to parent the children. And put on a good show in front of others. When I asked him to help apparently he didn't wake up. Or hear the children 🙄. His default answer was I worked part time (30 hours). So I should do all the domestic and parenting tasks. Aka. He didn't give a shit.

Your Dh might be of the same thought. He might just be in a little world of his own.

Nothing will change unless you do something different.

Why isn't he paying his share of baby things?

You're married and you should be pooling resources, especially while you're on maternity leave. Presumably you both chose to have a family together, so he should be taking some of the hit financially as well.

You need to have a "come to Jesus" talk with him to sort out both the money side of things and him doing his share of childcare.

If you have supportive family and the option, perhaps go and stay with them with the baby to get some TLC and time away, and see if you leaving shakes him up a bit.

If nothing changes, I would consider splitting.

No one is trying to pin anything on you. It’s not your fault.

But at the same time if you don’t ask him, you are resigning yourself to silently seething indefinitely. That’s not going to be good for you or your relationship so what do you have to lose?

Well, quite a lot. I don’t have anyone I can stay with, I don’t want to split and I really don’t want to go down the route of telling him what he’s doing when (and I doubt it would work anyway.)

I get that it looks as if I’m resigning myself to this and I am, really. There just aren’t any other options I’m happy with.

But if you sit there resenting him, you're going to end up splitting up eventually anyway. You're not going to magically forget how unsupported you were and how he could have done his share but didn't. It'll slowly poison the relationship.

You should be able to have an adult conversation as equals to say "hang on matey, this isn't fair, I'm struggling financially, practically and emotionally and we're supposed to be a team".

You might also want to consider speaking to your gp/hv about potential PND. This kind of feeling hopelessness might have that as a factor.

You say that very definitely category and it just isn’t true. No, I won’t forget, but to be honest that holds true whether we talk or not.

It’s a cliche but he’s living the life he had before he had a child. The problem is, it was me who desperately wanted said child, so a part of me does feel I should suck it up. I think what does grate a bit is that I actually want so little, but get even less.

Well, fair enough, you could indeed stay together, having an underlying current of resentment for the rest of your lives - does that sound good?

Clearly not, nothing is sounding particularly good at the moment.

Yes, I could talk to him.I could say ‘DH, for the last six and a half months, I have been woken numerous times in the night, up at 6, walked miles trying to persuade our fractious daughter to nap, meanwhile for the most part you have ignored me. I have missed meals because DD won’t be put down and you have sat there eating and ignoring us. Are you planning on doing any parenting?’

His reply would be like the ones above, well you didn’t say.

Well, no, because it feels shit having to say out loud that you need help.

Op this won't end well if you bottle it all up and don't get it out.

Have you tried just getting up in the mornings and saying your off out for a run so he's in charge and physically going?

In regards to you not wanting to split or speak to him etc it's either you speak to him and see how it changes or you live miserably
Is that what you want?

Nobody else is responsible for anyone else's happiness.

If he doesn't change and your still unhappy it's your call to make yourself happy not him

Well, no, because it feels shit having to say out loud that you need help.

So you are more willing to let pride ruin your relationship than you are to have a conversation with your husband? That's bonkers!

Yes, it would be great if he would do more parenting off of his own back, without prompting, but clearly that isn't going to happen. So you have two choices, either struggle on alone, getting more and more knackered and resentful, or tell your husband exactly what you've said here and start to make some changes.

I really hope that, whatever you decide, things get easier for you op. The first year is absolutely brutal! There is absolutely no shame at all in needing help!

And you say "well, I'm saying now. I need you to step up."

If you say nothing you are going to emotional check out. He will notice this feel rejected and no doubt start an affair of some kind.

I know you feel it is best to put up and shut up. I did that too. And I was happy to be the only one parenting. Like your h mine went out drinking. Stag dos etc. I held the fort. Did the sleepless nights took the calls from school did the sick days. Because he was too busy or too important. I was seriously sick In hospital at one point. He phoned his mum to come instead of him stepping up himself. I could list many occasions I should of called him out but didn't.

I don't know if I had of done that it would of changed anything. I was so ground down after years of broken sleep etc I was bearly functioning. My ex no doubt had affairs I wasn't aware of. But he finally left for OW several years ago now.

The kids and I are much happier without him in the house. I have no expectations of someone else poss pulling their weight. The finances are all my responsibility as is the house and the children. And we are doing just fine without the man child. I just have to pay for DIY stuff. Which is a small price to pay to have a safe and happy home.

Please take sometime out for yourself. A hair cut. Exercise class. Something that gives you a bit of you back. Have you got a friend or family member you could talk this through with. Or even better some counselling to get your thoughts straight.

Don't be me. Your outcome could be very different.

No, it’s nothing to do with pride. I’m obviously expecting too much.

You're not expecting too much, no. You're passively accepting too little.

You're not expecting too much.

Your husband is a lazy fucker who is conveniently pretending he doesn't see you struggling because if he doesn't, he might feel guilty and might have to stir himself. and he doesn't want that, he wants to carry on doing what he likes and not be inconvenienced by having a family.

And because you're exhausted, possibly depressed and because you feel you wanted the baby most therefore they're your responsibility, you're making yourself complicit in this self-deception of his.

@Sheeeeeep

That’s not really what I’m saying though. I’m coping because I literally have no choice and that’s the position I’ve been forced into.

You do have a choice. You could choose to have a conversation with your husband. For whatever reason you've chosen not to address the issue but to become a martyr. But it's your choice.

You’re not expecting too much but I don’t think it’s realistic for you to carry on as things are. Don’t feel bad for having to ask him for help. I know it’s annoying but if you don’t talk to him what’s the alternative? You have to tell him how you feel