Fed up

[Sheeeeeep]

I have to be fair here and say I am bloody knackered, so some of this might be exhaustion, but I’m starting to question my relationship big time.

It’s fair to say I’ve always been the default parent but then I’m on mat leave. But lately husband has done nothing. Can visibly see I’m struggling with no sleep and doesn’t offer to have dd for a night or a couple of hours in the day. He used to have her for two hours in the morning so I could sleep but that’s stopped.

He rarely leaves the fucking house and I’m starting to resent constantly having to be out because it’s his domain if you like. It’s cloying and suffocating, I want some time alone.

Yet at the same time it’s not bad enough to leave. Not sure why I’m posting but I do feel a bit down when I see how much other dads do!

@Heneage

You're not expecting too much, no. You're passively accepting too little.

So true.

I’m not sure what you think is going to happen here OP. You might have wanted a baby but you’re equal parents now she’s here and if it’s not going how you want it to so what are you going to do?

So he says you should have asked? It’s hopefully not too late for him to realise you are asking/telling him now and he needs to step up.

It’s like you’re asking for permission to be a martyr. You’ll start to hate him, your husband barely knows his daughter, your child can barely know her father and you sound miserable and exhausted so you’re not being the best mum you can to her.

If nothing changes, nothing changes. Except your resentment will grow and corrode any positive feelings you have left for him. You’ll stop having a marriage and be bitter housemates because you’ll be snappy and angry and miserable, he’ll decide to go out even more to avoid you and your daughter, you’ll then realise life is fine without him, you’ll split up.

You have to tell most men out loud what you are feeling/thinking inside, they're just not as intuitive as women!

You're definitely not asking too much, as you can see from most of the replies here everyone agrees with you he should be helping more! You'll just have to swallow your pride and tell him how you feel, it's the only way you'll ever be happy again.

If you tell him loud and clear you need more help he either steps up his game or ignores you, if it's the latter then it might be better to split because why would you want to stay with someone who doesn't care about what you want or how you feel??

You're clearly very frustrated so you're going to have to take action.

It feels like saying ‘DH, in France, most people will speak french’ tbh.

I’m not expecting anything. Just venting.

Well... you're clearly venting because you're not happy with the situation. And it does sound like it's very unfair.

But what do you actually want to happen with your life? Vent on here and nothing changes, forever, or do you actually want to sort shit out?

In any given scenario, you should be able to talk to your DH about how you're feeling, and what you need from him.

If not, get a grip and start the process of separating. If you can't tell him how miserable you are, this is a pointless marriage anyway.

What I want to happen and what will happen are different things. Look, I get there’s an instinct for advice but I feel tenntimes worse now tbh. It’s my fault for not telling him what I need and I’m being a martyr, so OK, but I’ve got a very long night ahead of me so I will leave it.

And don’t tell me to get a grip.

Blimey 😮

You’re obviously having a hard time and haven’t found this helpful. Maybe because it’s making you face some things you’d rather not.

The one person you should be able to talk to, to lean on, the shoulder you cry on, the person who cheers you up with a thoughtful gesture, is your husband. At one point you loved each other so much you promised to spend the rest of your lives together. To be each other’s comfort and joy. To share the highs and lows. You were so happy together you decided to bring a baby into your lives.

You really need to talk to your husband. Out loud or in a letter or a message. Cry if you need to. Let him know just how hard you’re finding things. Remind him that you chose to have your daughter together and that she needs and deserves two engaged loving parents who know her, cherish her, help her develop and grow. He currently spends so little time with her he can’t know much about her at all. Can he comfort het if she’s ill or grumpy or crying?

What would happen if you got sick, injured, disabled, had a long hospital stay, died? Would he know where to start in caring for her or is he so disengaged he wouldn’t have a clue?

Get as much sleep tonight as you can. Tomorrow or over the weekend you need a state of the union discussion. Total honesty. Productive communication focusing on “I feel” rather than “you don’t ever” and maybe suggest counselling so you have a safe space and an impartial third party to facilitate decent communication.

Things could be better. But they won’t until you try a different approach to seething resentment.

And there’s so guarantee things will change even if you lay out how you feel and what you and your precious DD need. But at least you’ll know you tried.

What did you expect people to say? “Oh, that’s just men, annoying aren’t they, poor you”? No. You need to take control of your life. It is shit that it’s not instinctive to him to do basic parenting, but clearly he isn’t going to, so you can either tell him or continue being (understandably and justifiably) miserable and angry. But if you’re already doing everything yourself and you don’t want to tell him he needs to step up, why stay in the marriage? Why not just break up? It sounds like if you split, the only thing that would change is that he wouldn’t be there pissing you off by being be a useless, selfish layabout. You wouldn’t miss his help because you don’t get any. I think most people responding here are just baffled that you’re actively choosing to continue in the current unfair and unsustainable set up. It sounds like you’re very beaten down by it, have you considered you may be depressed? You don’t have to live like this. It might not feel like it now but it’s your life and you’re in control.

But I’m not choosing to. I probably am depressed and overreacting. I’m sure it’ll be OK.

I would send him a link to this thread. I know how it feels to be so frustrated putting in into words would absolutely be the last straw and nothing proactive would come out of that conversation!
However if you do nothing then nothing changes and you can't live this way forever.

You’re venting because you’re obviously unhappy, tired, resentful etc etc. whether you’re depressed is up to a Dr to ascertain. But nothings surer if you keep all this bottled up you probably will be depressed sooner rather than later. You didn’t create this baby on yr own, well overdue for Dad to step up and pitch in. Speak up……determinedly!

You're not overreacting. You're underreacting.

Your husband sounds like a twat. You sound so very unhappy..

Something has to change - you need to speak honestly to your dh. Tell him how it is. He will either listen to you and step up and be the man he was before you had dc or he will continue being the twat he is. Either way you'll know if he really didn't notice you struggling or if he really is just a horrible selfish prick.

You cant go on the way you are so you might as well speak to him

@Sheeeeeep you are not alone. The women here are giving you advice because we have all been there in one way or another.

You are clearly tired and drained and yes, most likely struggling with a little depression or at least low mood.

The trouble is, your husband may be aware of this but doesn't know how to fix it. I don't like to say 'all men' but it is certainly true they don't always think like we do. If you continue to do everything without speaking up, how will he know that's how you feel? Do you know what he's thinking? What are his current concerns? What weight is he carrying? He will certainly know you're not the same.

Talk to him. Not resentfully but honestly. Tell him you're struggling. There is no shame I'm admitting you are struggling. You are supposed to be a team. You wouldn't expect other people in your life to know what you're thinking and it's not fair of you to expect him to either. Ask him for help. Tell him what you need. Don't get lost in some bullshit that he should KNOW what you want. This resentment will just eat you up and it doesn't have to be like that.

@Sheeeeeep

But I’m not choosing to. I probably am depressed and overreacting. I’m sure it’ll be OK.

But you ARE choosing to, by letting the situation continue. Being passive is still a choice.

Op, I was you, and basically seethed inwardly for a good few years, working myself to exhaustion, doing everything because, in my case, I didn’t want to invite drama by demanding he step up. I went to see my gp as I was starting to feel depressed. She said to me that people are treated how they allow themselves to be treated. A simple explanation of what I was doing, but very true. I confronted DH about it, and he claimed he didn’t realise I needed him to help more, and that he thought I enjoyed doing everything I did! Not sure I believed he hadn’t noticed, or that maybe he did notice, but closed off from proactively doing anything about it. He did improve afterwards. Not perfect, and I still had to give him a nudge sometimes, but I think talking is key here.

@Sheeeeeep

Clearly not, nothing is sounding particularly good at the moment.

Yes, I could talk to him.I could say ‘DH, for the last six and a half months, I have been woken numerous times in the night, up at 6, walked miles trying to persuade our fractious daughter to nap, meanwhile for the most part you have ignored me. I have missed meals because DD won’t be put down and you have sat there eating and ignoring us. Are you planning on doing any parenting?’

His reply would be like the ones above, well you didn’t say.

Well, no, because it feels shit having to say out loud that you need help.

@Sheeeeeep firstly congratulations on your baby However why are you missing meals? have you tried keeping her in a sling so she feels comforted and close to you? If you've already ensured they're not hungry, wet etc, letting them cry for some time while you get food etc won't kill them!

Having a baby is hard but I agree with other posters that you're unnecessarily martyring yourself. If your husband is seeing this, maybe he's just letting you get on with it because he's seeing you go over the top and wanting to do things your own way, so there's no point in him taking some of the load off you.

In your position I'd just walk over and physically give him the baby to look after whenever I took my own breaks/did my own thing. And importantly, let him take care of her his own way (assuming of course she's safe). Sometimes women obsess over doing things a particular way and criticise their partner, when another way is perfectly OK, so many men understandably back off and let the mum get on with it. He may also be feeling overwhelmed by the baby's needs and feeling inadequate himself and not confident enough to look after her at this young baby stage, especially if she prefers you (which biologically often happens and is completely natural).

Also do get investigated for PND

@Sheeeeeep, I wonder if it would help you to take a solution focussed approach? Draw a line under what has happened so far?

For whatever reasons, the approach you are your partner have taken in terms of parenting responsibilities isn't working out for you are you need to try something different. You can say this to him, taking a 'no blame' and forward looking approach. Together, think through how you can distribute tasks and responsibilities between the two of you.

Doing it this way may get a better result from him. If her refuses to do his fair share, or says he will and then doesn't, at least you tried.

Yes, I could talk to him.I could say ‘DH, for the last six and a half months, I have been woken numerous times in the night, up at 6, walked miles trying to persuade our fractious daughter to nap, meanwhile for the most part you have ignored me. I have missed meals because DD won’t be put down and you have sat there eating and ignoring us. Are you planning on doing any parenting?’

You could say "I am really struggling and I need us to have a conversation so that we can work out a plan of you helping me and of sharing the load going forwards".

Please don't go down the Passive-Aggressive route of saying nothing and yet being silently focussed on tallying up every single moment when he doesn't notice and help you (you 'saint', him 'devil') and blaming him more and more.

PA thinking like this is addictive because deep down it is a self-reward system and therefore enjoyable. Like most addictions it is so, so destructive.

@Sheeeeeep how are you? Have you managed to speak to your dh? I hope he has stepped up.