I"ve destroyed an early relationship with my anxiety

[ArriettyCArriettyC]

hello
I have just been dumped again. We had only been together a few weeks, but things were intense (on both parts) and I know we both wanted a future together (as far as we could tell). We were so well-matched, and he was the first man I have liked for ages. He had so many good points, and was perfect for me.

We communicated a lot by text and at times I guess I was insecure or anxious and even though he would reassure me, I would continue. This week, we had a lovely time together, but afterwards he seemed a bit down about things (he has a lot going on), and I misinterpreted it and sent a few messages saying perhaps we should take a break if he wasn't ready for a relationship, and I wasn't sure how to support him.
He was reassuring, but I continued, and the next day I didn't hear from him (had never happened before with us), so I texted and asked him to be straight with me ... and he broke up with me :(
I have apologised, explained about my anxiety/insecurity, told him the action I'm taking to resolve my issues, asked him to give me another chance ... but he is absolutely adamant that he doesn't want to continue. I am so so upset. I realise it's only been a few weeks, but the intensity of feelings and hope for the future were there for me.

Please please be kind, I am beating myself up for it being all my fault, and this on top of the sadness is so hard to deal with.

I'm sorry but he wasn't perfect for you if he couldn't accept your anxiety. One day you'll meet someone who will accept your anxiety.

thank you toolazy - any reply really helps

Have you tried counselling?

I have had general anxiety counselling, but not specifically focussed on relationships - I think that is the next step. I feel like now I am dealing with the sadness of not being with this person any more PLUS the regret that it's my fault.

I think that you could maybe also do some learning about how anxiety works, and particular anxious attachment and what triggers your attachment system.

People who have an anxious attachment style can be great partners, because they are very tuned into their partner's emotions. But they can also, as you note, cause you to insist that there is something wrong even when there isn't, and despite all reassurance to the contrary. This can be really exhausting for a partner.

This guy obviously wasn't in a place to provide you with the constant reassurance, and while you can say 'this is just part of who i am', the way you describe it doesn't sound terribly healthy or functional if it keeps happening. From your description, it doesn't sound like he was acting in a particularly avoidant way, and was trying to reassure you, so I think in this instance you could perhaps do with taking a step back and thinking about how to heal your attachment wounds.

I'm not trying to blame you for what has happened - it doesn't sound like you were a good fit for this time in your life - but do have a think about whether this is a pattern, and if it's something you could explore in therapy.

It sounds like you need to get some support with your anxiety issues from your GP or from a counsellor before you get in a relationship.

It's nobody's "fault". This is a condition that you have that you need help with, you can learn coping strategies and work out what causes it.

Look up the shame spiral. You are being very hard on yourself.

Ultimately it is understandable if he felt he couldn't move forward like this , it doesn't mean he is a bad person but he's not the right one for you and that doesn't mean it's your fault at all.

I honestly do believe partners should be there for each other when things get hard but I believe it takes longer to develop that relationship. It's hard going for you I understand but it's fair enough if he feels this way at the start.

You mentioned you are working on things and developing and that's the key really isn't it? You are trying and further down the line you will be in a better place.

I'm sorry I know it hurts but it's just one of those things. I don't agree with blame , just different places and different situations.

thank you so much. I am 50, so not a youngster, and have never had a relationship longer than 4 years :(. I will sort the anxious attachment. But how can I get over the utter sadness of now, and the fact it was caused by me. He was absolutely lovely with me, and I liked him so much.

I have apologised and promised I'm working on things, just hoping that he would change his mind. He was so firm though (and kind) and said he didn't want to, and wouldn't change his mind in the future . We had such happy times

@toolazytothinkofausername

I'm sorry but he wasn't perfect for you if he couldn't accept your anxiety. One day you'll meet someone who will accept your anxiety.

I don’t think anyone should be expected to accept that level of anxiety. The repeated messages after he constantly reassured her and asked her to stop is borderline abuse. What were you texting him op? I definitely think counselling should be the next step.

It sounds like this is something you need to sort out before attempting to date again. You might always feel a bit anxious at times, that can be reasonable, but it seems you have not developed a filter about it yet. You don't have to voice your anxieties, sometimes you are better off keeping it to yourself - or letting off steam to your mates or a counsellor, that's what they are there for patly . It's very draining for the other person, some things they are better off not knowing.

I think that, leaving aside the anxiety entirely for a minute, it sounded far too overblown and intense for only a few weeks of seeing one another. Honestly, saying you both wanted a future together after this short a relationship, and then adding in your continual need for reassurance via text, and continuing to be anxious via text after he'd reassured you -- that's just too much too soon. Someone you've been with for some time, who is committed to you and loves you, will probably do their best to work with your particular psychological quirks, but you can't expect that of a brand new relationship.

thank you so much, all

@frogcorset - it was intense, but on both sides. He was definitely really into me too - it was the first relationship I've had for years that felt balanced. Others I've mostly liked more than they've liked me

[quote ArriettyCArriettyC]@frogcorset - it was intense, but on both sides. He was definitely really into me too - it was the first relationship I've had for years that felt balanced. Others I've mostly liked more than they've liked me[/quote]
Oh, I'm not suggesting it wasn't mutual, just that it sounds a bit too much too soon for a very new relationship, and at some level, he may have felt uneasy about the intensity because he did end it.

thank you. I have booked a free consultation with an online counsellor tomorrow, and have got back in touch with another counsellor I saw years ago. I will work on this. I also get too attached too soon, and kind of want to bypass the early casual days and get straight into a relationship - perhaps this is part of anxious attachment

@ArriettyCArriettyC

thank you. I have booked a free consultation with an online counsellor tomorrow, and have got back in touch with another counsellor I saw years ago. I will work on this. I also get too attached too soon, and kind of want to bypass the early casual days and get straight into a relationship - perhaps this is part of anxious attachment

That sounds like a good move. Good luck!

Might strategy work for you more than anything else? As in, a predetermined outright ban on yourself from texting more than X times, or sending more than one assurance message a week when you're with a partner? At some point things will get so settled you'll just lose the need for those assurances and then you won't need the limits anymore.

I think that you sound like a lovely lady and I don't think you messed up your forever guy, tbh. While I totally second the counselling idea - and the fact that you were way too intense - it might well have been that he really was pulling back a bit (he probably was - it's a common pattern that we see on here where a guy love bombs then withdraws) and your alarm bells went off and ultimately it would've ended anyway. For what it's worth I don't think he was the One. And don't regret it or beat yourself up! These things happen. As long as you learn from it and have a cast iron plan to stop it happening again, you'll look back one day and be glad this happened!

It sounds like it was very intense very quickly and he may have been lovebombing and future-faking you. Too much too soon and based on very little.

Take it steady next time.

thank you all so much - I am reading and digesting. It is really helpful to have an outside perspective.

Also a point to add- relationships that start out fast and future faking etc tend to crash and burn quickly

OP have you been checked out for OCD on top of the anxiety? It might be an idea to look into that too. Do have have an overwhelming urge to text or ask those questions and feel relief once you have sent the messages? It's similar to OCD where you have an overwhelming anxiety and feel relief from some kind of behaviour such as pulling out your hair.

It might be an idea to look into OCD strategies to help deal with the compulsive behaviour. There are strategies in place to deal with Purely Obsessional OCD (which is what it's called). Standard treatment for OCD is used with this diagnosis.

You also entered the relationship too fast. I know you want to rush to have that reassurance but strategies will help you to cope with those.

CBT might work well for you.

Gosh thank you all, yes I think OCD sounds right . Will get myself sorted

Saying something along the lines of 'if you're not ready for a relationship maybe we should take a break' is break up talk.

Can you see how he would find that very unsupportive and attention seeking when he has already reassured you things are ok and he is just preoccupied working through an issue?

It's great you're going to work on your attachment issues and that will help in future. It's really important to avoid that kind of relationship brinkmanship in future though, it's quite controlling and anyone with good boundaries will run a mile.

I hope you're feeling better soon