sick of his unreasonable behaviour, don't know whether to leave

[peacelily]

Since our dd (14 mo) was born my dh has shown a dark side to his personality on an increasingly regular basis. We've laways been "fiery" but now I think at times he's unneccessarily cruel and a bit of an emotional bully tbh. He's great with her just a bit of a sadist to me at times.

One example is 1 month ago i broke my foot on dd wheely bug (!) mid argument (dd was in bed). I crashed to the floor and was in agony, I asked him for a hand up but he stared straight ahead and carried on flicking the remote. I then hobbled up, yelped in pain and kade us BOTH a cup of tea. he continued to ignore me then went to bed leaving me downstairs, immobile alone. the next day ffot was twice the size, still ignoring me just dropped me off at A+E and asked his friend to pick me up! His excuse now is he didn't realise how much pain I was in, if I ask why he thought it was ok to ignore me when I asked him for help he just deflects the question and gets angry. He hasn't apologised.

This is just one example, it's like he's got multiple personality disorder, lovely, kind and warm one minut, callous, cold and abrupt the next. If it wasn't for dd i'd have walked out long ago, prior to having her I just didn't put up with this kind if crap from men. Now tho, we've got a joint mortgage I'm skint and i don't know where to go, he's so controlling I'm terrified he's stop me from seeing her. he says he still loves me and I love him too i suppose.

Also what are my rights re the house? He has a flat he owns that he rents out, what am I entitled too ie do i have a good case for staying in our house, just while it's sold?

Things like joint mortgages can be sorted out. Your dd does not need to live in a house where one parent treats the other like an inferior.

If he won't change and you're sure of that, then I say leave now while dd is still young.

Hope someone coems along with more practical advice re house etc.

this is emotional abuse- and classic in that is this angel / devil dichotomy. Behaviour such as not helping with an injury is both cruel and controlling, and you need to get out now- only added to by your fear that he won't allow you to see your daughter.

Can I suggest that you call Women's Aid in this situation? he's scary, controlling, cruel adn you don't need your daughter thinking that is the norm. there is no guarantee (and every ikelihood) he will turn on her too as she grows up.

Good luck

He's not violent and only behaves in this way when we're arguing. He can be a bit cold and off hand when he's stressed but can't we all. The foot example is an extreme one and the reason I was so shocked is that it was completely out of character for him to be so nasty. In all our rows he's never been cruel before although we've both siad things we don't mean.

I've been in an abusive relationship before but I've been with dh 8 years and known him for 12 his behaviour shocks me it's not like him at all.

This is a difficult situation to be in. I know because I'm in an almost mirror image.

My dh has always had a little bit of a temper, but nothing like he is now. It started when our ds was a baby. He started to shout all the time because he was "tired" (I was breastfeeding at the time) and once called ds a little shit and a bastard when he was lying in his cot crying to be fed.

He gets angry at me for the most ridiculous stuff. One time he got angry because he asked me which shoes he should wear to go out and I couldn't decide for him. He's called me names before and makes it impossible for me to talk to him about it because he says it "all in my imagination". But like your dh, it's not ll the time and we do have fun together.

Now ds is 3, it's no better. He still shouts during the night if ds is having a bad night's sleep or whatever. And still I'm here. I have no advice for you other than telling you how urgent it is that you talk to your dh and try to get it sorted now before it gets worse. Take care, keep us updated xxx

I'm Peacelily he might say he loves you but he is sometimes acting as though he hates you and you are entitled to know why. Maybe having a baby has brought up some issues for him that he feels he can't share with you. Perhaps he is depressed which often manifests as anger especially in men. Perhaps he has worries about about work/money which he is hiding from you. Perhaps he doesn't know himself what the problem is in which case he owes it to you and his daughter to find out. Whatever his reasons he is making you miserable and fearful which he is not entitled to do.

It will make you ill in the end and it is also bad for your DD. You would not want her to put up with being treated like this but if she sees you being treated in this way and accepting it then she will think it is normal and will be more likely to end up in an abusive relationship herself. If your DH won;t seek help either alone or with you then go to Relate on your own. And speak to a solicitor to reassure yourself that you would get custody of your DD.

God I have seen so many relatives and friends go down this path and the only relationships which survived and thrived were the ones where the women said early on "I refuse to be treated like this so change or go".

I don't usually respond on these posts because i've never been there myself but I've watched it from close quarters so so many times..........

Peacelily.. you say you were mid argument when you broke your foot.. well he didn't actually know your foot was broken did he.. he probably thought you'd just bumped it and it hurt a lot for that moment... or that you were being dramatic because you wanted him to feel bad because you were arguing.. If he has hurt himself in a non-life threatening way, would you have just switched helpful/sympathetic mode, mide argument?

And this "multiple personality disorder" you speak of.. that's just "being male". They like to retreat into their caves when they can't/don't want to deal with stuff... but they haven't got caves these days so they have to withdraw physically and emotionally instead while their brains catch up with whats going on. It's really not their fault. They are just men.

*mode

Shiny, if my dh fell over mid way through argument, then yes, I would stop arguing with him.

I don't mean if he just dropped to the floor! Obviously in those circumstances, I would think "Fuck! A heart attack!".. I'm talking about if he fell over the pram.. I'd think (depending on the severity of the argument) a. that was funny (and laugh!) or b. good you bastard, I hope that hurt.

I don't suppose PL instantly knew her foot was broken so I doubt he could have either.

These threads always make me feel terribly guilty because I think I was a bit like this when i was suffereing from low level chronic depression - aggressive, moody, negative, distant, cold, volatile about tiny things.

That doesn't make it acceptable, whatever the cause, but having a baby changes things totally, and no-one can predict how they are going to respond to the pressures.

I agree that he needs to understand that you will not accpet being treated the way he treats you, and that thre has to be a way forward to change.

Would he agree to counselling? Even a few sessions with Relat might help you to talk - or more likely him to talk, instead of taking whatever it is out on you?

I think some men show this side of their personalities when the woman they are with is very vulnerable - looking after dc, not much money etc, etc.

In what other ways is he controlling, peacelily? Expecting you to make a cup of tea when you were in agony sounds pretty off the scale actually.

But... I am not on the side of a controlling man here.. if that is what he is... I have to mention it doesn't sound like he expected Peacelily to make a cup of tea whilst in agony.. she just did it!

Why were you making cups of tea in that much pain PL?

Why were you making him a cup of tea being as you were so angry with him firstly because of whatever you were arguing about initially and secondly, that he was ignoring the pain in your foot??

Hi just to clear up the semantics from SHPHH. I fell to the floor cried out, tried to get up, fell again and said "can you help me please" holding my hand out and he stared straight thru me. I'm a nurse I KNEW at the very least I'd sprained my ankle quite badly. If he hurt himself physically mid argument or not my instinct would be to assist I wouldn't laugh or think it serves him right because I love him and I put differences aside in those sorts of situations.

I chose to make the brew, he didn't make me so sorry if that was unclear, I don't know why I just had it in my head that's what I needed to do! Call it a coping strategy if you wish.

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful answers. His temper is the worst aspect of our siruation, I personally think he's depressed but everytime he's made a Drs appointment he's cancelled it "because he felt ok that day", which is typically male!!

I've thought about relate too and I think I may go down that route, we used to be so close and the best of friends I've got to try to save it.

his family life was v dysfunctional, TBH his Mum is a nightmare I know this weighs heavily on him. He has poor role models when he was growing up of how to behave and treat others with respect, sometimes I think he doesn't realise how awful his behaviour is.

I suppose when I hopped off to the kitchen I expected (seeing as I was cringing at every step) that he might offer to make one for me!

Sorry if it seemed as if I was being pedantic. I was playing devil's advocate somewhat because so many couples fall out and behave selfishly towards each other (him not you in this case) when they start to take each other for granted (or one of them takes the other for granted) and the problems set in. It doesn't necessarily mean the love has gone and the marriage is doomed but it does mean some action needs to be taken.

As you have said you love him, you probably need to trying to communicate to him how his behaviour is making you feel (men are so good at shutting parts of themselves away; compartmentalising full stop) so that he can see what he is putting at risk, and find out why he is being like this, before you start thinking about who is going to get the house if you split up.

My dp has been colder and more angry since becoming a father. I had pneumonia earlier this year and should have been admitted into hospital but because he had so much work on I discharged myself. All he did when I came home was to go on and on about how 'inconvenient' it was for me to be ill. It was the night before dd's birthday and I was wrapping her presents in a terrible physical state and I just started crying and crying (I don't often cry) at the injustice of his behaviour. He stormed off. But the next day and after he was very remorseful and made it up to me. I think that was his lowest point so far. If he'd done what your dh did the next morning with A&E I would be mortified. It's one thing being horrible during an argument but another altogether to continue the cruelty the next day.

I think the fact that your dh won't apologise and make things up isn't a good sign.

he used to be gutted when he'd been out of oredr, if not straight away soonafter, now he just goes cold. He can't see how his behaviour is unreasonable and just reverts to child mode if I try to talk to him. I.e if I try to point out that this instance in particular was very cruel it's "you're just having a massive go at me" or "shut up I'm going to bed".

I know he's got low self-esteem, I know his family are shit and he hasn't really got any support apart from me (and all we do is argue) but I can't use this as an excuse for his behaviour any longer.

Last december he came to meet me and my mum in town after having been away for 2 days and just took dd from me, cuddled her, walked off and barely aknowledged me. My Mum was nearly crying he was so cold towards me.

If he opened up a bit apologised for his behaviour and admitted there was a problem I could see a way forward but he thinks what he's doing is ok and the problem lies with me.

I don't recognise the man I married, it's like I've lost my best friend and I'm trying to be understanding but sometimes I think he's just a f**king idiot

he does sound depressed to be honest - I was forever ignoring dp and sloping off to bed to avoid arguments or even conversation with him when I was depressed. However, if he is depressed he needs to admit it and seek help because it's not just his problem anymore. You and your DD are affected by his depression just as you would be affected if he was an alcoholic or a gambler.

Alternatively (and I really hope this isn;t the case because you obviously love him very much) is it possible that he wants to end the relationship but daren't because he thinks he may lose all contact with DD?

We're all just guessing really aren't we? The not knowing what's wrong must drive you mad. Perhaps if you told home you want to deal with this because you want him to be happier as much as you want that for yourself. He certainly can't claim to be happy at the moment can he?

him not home....duh!!

Do you still have some good times together? Sex life?

One of my closest friends was in such a similar situation to you recently. They saw a relationship councilor but it all got worse as her dh refused to back down on anything / couldn't see he was in the wrong. They had been living in a kind of 'polite coldness' for months and months. Eventually my friend had enough and told him to leave which he did. He's been away for about 3 weeks now and is like a changed man. They're talking to each other, he's apologised for everything and wants her back desperately. As for her she says living without him is 'bliss' and she's not sure she wants him back at all!!

Maybe your dh needs a similar kick up the arse? If he feels he can get away with being a shit maybe he's lost the natural impetus to stop himself?

He doesnt sound depressed to me he just sounds like an ar*ehole. My DH used to do stuff like this when we were first together. The example where he met you in town after two days away and was cold towards you but not DD really rang a bell for me. My DH would make a big point of being lovely and chatty to everyone else who was there but me. We had a slight disagreement once and when we were with his family and he just took DS and walked off with his family into the pub we were going to have a meal in leaving me to lock up the car and get coats and bags and things. When I got in there they were all sat down with DS, I couldnt even see them, had to search and he hadnt even kept a seat for me. Loads of little things like that. Being all over DS and ignoring me when we hadnt even argued, smiling and joking with everyone in the room but me. These things built up and built up. Now I call him on absolutely any behaviour that I deem to be abusive. Don t care who is listening either. I know his family think I am nuts but as they were treating me with absolutely no regard whatsoever also so I don t really care. No one can understand that sick feeling in your stomach when you are being treated like this.

Something that made me realise I was not going mad and helped me to define what he was doing was a book I read called The Verbally Abusive Relationship where they called that feeling in the stomach an injury to the Spirit. When you are feeling sick and shaky after a verbal or emotional attack then your spirit has been injured and that is just as serious as a physical injury IMO. Did not mean to hijack this thread but that idea really helped me to start standing up for myself and I just wanted to share it.

Hi talkto thebess and amythyst. I've talked to him about ways he can make his life happier and be less stressed, i.e. go out a bit more, go and play badminton once a week, start going running again. He's very devoted to his family and just put all these things on hold once dd was born. When he makes the effort to do this he's calmer, less angry more communicative.

the ignoring me when dd is around is a common theme, when the 3 of us are together I feel like a spare part. If I try to go and do something else tho it's "why're you doing that?" "aren't you interested in us?" etc. etc. My BF (dds godmother) has noticed it too, she's got quite crioss with him at times but then his response is "oh she can fuck off" he's so childish in his responses to everything! dd is noticeably more chilled out when she's with me alone, she's very clingy to him, screams the moment he puts her down and can't seem to occupy herself, not all the time but a lot of it.

Amythyst your bit about spiritul injury is very true and helpful and certainly fits my situation, I do feel my soul is damaged by this relationship. Eeverything was fine and dandy last night warm, loving, helpful etc. Bur I was still "eggshells" around him waiting for an explosion. ANYTHING can set him off, asking him to change the bin, hang his coat up, do the on-line shopping!

I Know he loves me, I've asked him to leave a number of times and he goes then comes straight back he says he's devastated and loves us too much to be apart from us, then changes for a bit befaore reverting back to old ways.

Imaginaryfriend I agree I do feel I'm re-inforcing his behaviour by staying and putting up with it. I know if I went he's be gutted and might actually agree to some long term rather than short term change.

We do have nice times together and as for sex, well he wants to a lot but I'm reluctant, I need the emotional as well as physical connection and don't often feel it. I think sometimes this might be making him angry too, sexual frustration, but TBH I think he needs to grow up and deal with it.

Part of the problem is he just can't seem to cope with the normal pressures of daily lfe, if he has to do a full (ie 9-5) day at work he gets really stressed and agitated, the littlest things wind him up like minor chores around the house. This is because of his upbringing, his family doesn't have much of a work ethic, they seem have this bizarre
sense of entitlement. As he's the only one who bothers to contribute to life and sort things out they lean on him a lot ( MiL and BiL v lazy).

he loves you too much to be apart from you but apparently not enough to seek help for whatever his problem is? I wouldn't let him back in the door until he was regularly going to counselling with you and making some progress. I hope I don't sound like I think it's easy to do but I just think one of you has to draw a line in the sand here and it's not going to be your DH is it? Can you really live like this for another 10, 20, 40 years? He is not going to get better without help and it seems he will only seek help if you force him to.

your dd's behaviour is worrying.....I don't know what it means but it's worrying.

The more you say the more I think your DH is depressed. Does this article ring any bells
www.webmd.com/content/pages/7/1663_51924.htm

Hmmm, he wants to have sex with you but can't be bothered to be kind to you - in my book that's called using someone.

If he loves you, he'll want to stop treating you like this. A lot of abusers don't want to let go of the person they are abusing - it's not really about love, it's about control.

I second the suggestion that you get a copy of "The Verbally Abusive Relationship". There's also a companion book to it about how men can stop being verbally abusive. There's also a website here that might help.

www.verbalabuse.com/indexmain.shtml