sick of his unreasonable behaviour, don't know whether to leave

[peacelily]

Since our dd (14 mo) was born my dh has shown a dark side to his personality on an increasingly regular basis. We've laways been "fiery" but now I think at times he's unneccessarily cruel and a bit of an emotional bully tbh. He's great with her just a bit of a sadist to me at times.

One example is 1 month ago i broke my foot on dd wheely bug (!) mid argument (dd was in bed). I crashed to the floor and was in agony, I asked him for a hand up but he stared straight ahead and carried on flicking the remote. I then hobbled up, yelped in pain and kade us BOTH a cup of tea. he continued to ignore me then went to bed leaving me downstairs, immobile alone. the next day ffot was twice the size, still ignoring me just dropped me off at A+E and asked his friend to pick me up! His excuse now is he didn't realise how much pain I was in, if I ask why he thought it was ok to ignore me when I asked him for help he just deflects the question and gets angry. He hasn't apologised.

This is just one example, it's like he's got multiple personality disorder, lovely, kind and warm one minut, callous, cold and abrupt the next. If it wasn't for dd i'd have walked out long ago, prior to having her I just didn't put up with this kind if crap from men. Now tho, we've got a joint mortgage I'm skint and i don't know where to go, he's so controlling I'm terrified he's stop me from seeing her. he says he still loves me and I love him too i suppose.

Also what are my rights re the house? He has a flat he owns that he rents out, what am I entitled too ie do i have a good case for staying in our house, just while it's sold?

Thanks for the links the depression one does sound terribly familiar. Just to clarify a couple of things;

his sex drive is higher than mine but he never pressurizes or cajoles me into sex, he waits for me to initiate it which TBh isn't all that often. I lost my sex drive when I realised iwas pregnant and don't seem to really have got it back. This is an issue for both of us and to be fair to him he's tried to be understanding about it.

Your bit about dds behaviour has really concerned me TTTB. I hope you're not implying there's some sort of abuse going on because trust me in terms of his love for dd nothing could be further from the truth. The problem is he loves her almost TOO much and is a bit hectic and in her face. Until recently he hasn't given her time to just be, he;s always talking to her, playing with her in a really intense high energy way. We have discussed this and he's agreed to back off a little and try to be more calm and laissez faire around her.

oh no no no I absolutely wasn't thinking there was something abusive going on. Never entered my mind. Lord I feel terrible now.

I was thinking more how a parent's depression can impact on even a small child. I read a book when I was pregnant here which scared the pants off me with regard to my own history of depression and its possible impact on my DD should it return. His love for his daughter might be the best weapon you've got to get him to seek help. I never ever ever want my DD to feel as wretched and miserable as I have done and I'm betting your DH will feel the same. But the bald fact is a child living with a depressed parent is at very much increased risk of developing depression themselves.

I think I'll slope off now before I add to your distress even more. Sorry. Truly.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents' and your DH's family seemingly taught him a lot of damaging lessons. This damaging legacy his family gave him has impacted on you and your DD badly as you have seen. He knows of no other way to behave.

Think your DD is acting like this because her Dad is and she's learning from him; infact both of you.

I would read Toxic Parents and see if you can see his childhood in those situations presented.

If he won't go to Relate go on your own and talk with someone impartial. You cannot change someone but you can yourself change how you react to these situations.

Hi talktothebees please don't feel trrible I'm really grtaeful for the edvive and I've read "why love matters" already and it struck a few chords. I work as a nurse therapist with children with emotional problems and a lot of the issues are round attachment so you'd think I'd be more insightful as to my own situation!

I sincereley hope my dd won't have to go through the periods of black mood both that i have done previously and my dh seems to be experiencing now. I know we both need to change to safeguard against this. I have to say most of the time she's a happy chicken, enjoying life to the full and the signs are (I hope) that she's fairly secure.

Had a chat with dh last night, tried to do it in a non critical way and he's accepted the need for things to change although he still can't see why the way he reactys and responds to me is horrible sometimes. he thinks it's ok to be so abrupt and cold. We manged to not argue hopefully this is a start.

Thanks for all your helpful and insightful comments, it's helped me clarify things in my own mind and make some decisions.

xx