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Relationships

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Original poster

Just want to go somewhere nice

30 replies

saywhaatnow · 09/06/2021 20:21

I've been dating a guy during the winter lockdown til now.
We haven't been inside a 'proper' restaurant yet apart from once (I paid for both of us as it was his birthday over 6 months ago).
We've eaten takeaways and outside pub meals together and hosted each other etc during lockdown.

I've suggested him to book somewhere nice to take me out (it's his turn) and he's booked somewhere I wouldn't consider a 'date' restaurant, more like a place to grab something cheap before a night out with mates.

Am I being a snob? I don't like stuck up places but I appreciate my surroundings and the atmosphere of places when I eat.
Plus it's summer and he's picked somewhere dark and dingy, not taking advantage of the amazing light evenings.
I'm not tight and I'm wary of dating someone who is. I also want to go to nice places occasionally!

I reason I suggested we go out, and he treats me, is because I feel that I've been taken for granted and I was hoping to be wined and dined a bit more if we are now in a 'relationship' and actually go on proper 'dates' now.

I am than happy to pay my share, it's not just about money, I feel I make more effort with my appearance, to make my home nice/clean when he comes over etc etc.

To avoid drip feeding this but I think I've definitely spent more £ on him/us than he has, he earns more than me (better career) and he has fewer outgoings (unless he has a secret family I don't know about ) but I'm in a good place financially and happy with my lot in life. When I've dated wealthy guys naturally they pick up the tab more than me - but I'm more than happy to contribute my fair share too.

I don't think I'm high maintenance, but perhaps my bar is set differently from his, our backgrounds are different, do I just accept feeling like I'm down-dating because he doesn't seem to want to impress me a bit and treat me as special to him?

As I have said, this is more than just about money, but I'm wondering if it's all part of the same thing? He's good/generous in bed btw

OP posts:

seensome · 09/06/2021 20:50

Just be honest and suggest a place that you prefer, maybe he isn't into fine dining or isn't aware of your expectations.
If he doesn't like the pricier restaurants then think if you are happy to down date?
If you're backgrounds are very different it can cause conflict as your ways of life are different.

Bbub · 09/06/2021 20:55

I'd just say "would you mind if we go to x instead as I'd like to dress up and make the most of our date" or similar. I know it's a bit disheartening when you feel like they've gone for a basic option when you were anticipating something better, but he's not psychic.

You can make a point of telling him before or after that you've been looking forward to some nice dates. If you are splitting things pretty evenly (or you've spent a bit more as you say) then he can't think you're just trying to get him to pay for stuff, so is a reasonable request!

category12 · 09/06/2021 20:59

Is he tight?

ToastedFrog · 09/06/2021 21:06

Is that really important to you? In that case you might be incompatible and have different standards. What sort fo place has he booked? Main course of £15-20 I think is an ok place for a date.

Personally I find expensive fancy dining quite wasteful and unnecessary unless it’s a special occasion.

Original poster

saywhaatnow · 09/06/2021 21:45

@ToastedFrog

Is that really important to you? In that case you might be incompatible and have different standards. What sort fo place has he booked? Main course of £15-20 I think is an ok place for a date.

Personally I find expensive fancy dining quite wasteful and unnecessary unless it’s a special occasion.

I don't like fancy dining either (been there, done that). I do like, trying new things/places which has been obviously difficult lately.

He's picked a place that is very local to him and we've had a takeaway from during lockdown (my only takeaway during lockdown actually as I where I live doesn't have much choice and is low quality).

So not new or different.

I did specifically say I wanted to go somewhere nice and he completely agreed with me the reasons why.

We aren't from completely different backgrounds, but I do I wonder if this is the reason he seems to think that the place he picked was a good choice and maybe he's less adventurous etc than he has made out he is?

OP posts:

Original poster

saywhaatnow · 09/06/2021 21:47

@category12

Is he tight?

I don't know....maybe? I chose a nicer place for his birthday, not in his home town, and picked because I knew he would like the food/atmosphere and I happily picked up the tab.

He hasn't really reciprocated in the same way, I don't know if he's
A) tight
B) not bothered about me
C) not as interested in the same places as I would be - different standards?

OP posts:

ToastedFrog · 09/06/2021 21:53

I think the dinner thing is more a symptom than the problem. Initially I thought you were high maintenance from your initial post, but now I think he is either quite unadventurous or is taking you for granted. Is he generally a homebody who doesn’t want to plan doing interesting things, go to museums and galleries and theatre or country walks? Is he excited about the prospect of lockdown lifting at all?

Snowfalling · 09/06/2021 22:00

He's not really bothered about trying to impress you is he? And this is in the honeymoon phase. Nah. I'd be done.

ComtesseDeSpair · 09/06/2021 22:10

“Why don’t you book somewhere nice for us to have dinner” is ambiguous. If you previously had a nice takeaway from the place he’s booked, he probably thinks it’s nice and you’d like to eat there again. If you specifically want to go to the sort of place where you can dress up and enjoy a view and fine food and wine, then say “let’s do something fancy for a change - somewhere where we can dress up and have a raster menu or something” and then see what he comes up with.

If somebody isn’t used to eating in fancy places or wouldn’t choose to go there of their own accord, it isn’t necessarily the first thing that would come to mind when you say “somewhere nice.”

ThatOtherPoster · 09/06/2021 22:12

He’s just not the right type of person for you. Please don’t overthink or analyse it. He just doesn’t want to take you to a nice restaurant. So either stay with him (in dark, dingy Nandos) or find someone who likes taking you to nice restaurants.

Whatwouldnanado · 09/06/2021 22:19

You enjoyed the takeaway so perhaps that's why he booked a meal at the sit-in.

Original poster

saywhaatnow · 09/06/2021 22:43

To all the posters who assumed I enjoyed the takeaway, it was fine, but I've got strong connections to the country the takeaway was 'from' and it wasn't great as obviously I have eaten those dishes lots of times.

I love most foods and enjoy trying new things so I'm not fussy or difficult to accommodate.

OP posts:

ILoveShula · 10/06/2021 01:03

Tell him where you would like him to take you.
Say, I'd like to eat at The Thin Goose or whereever.

Be specific.

His reaction will tell you a lot about him

AmandaHugenkiss · 10/06/2021 08:18

Ah, is he maybe doing the “saywhaatnow has connections with (eg Thailand), it’d be nice to take her to that Thai place we had takeaway from that time”? He might think he’s doing a nice thing.

Otherwise, you might have different standards. I dated a really nice guy for a while who would only eat in pubs and wanted chips with everything. That wasn’t what killed the relationship, but it probably would have done eventually!

Aprilx · 10/06/2021 09:07

I am finding it a bit hard to unravel because you say it is not about money but you want to go somewhere nice and have told him he needs to treat you. I can’t imagine telling someone they have to treat me, if I wanted to go to a fancier restaurant I would suggest it but would expect to pay at least half if not all of the bill as it was my suggestion.

Putting aside the bit about you telling him to treat you, I can’t help feeling that you are probably incompatible and may encounter situations in the future where you are on different pages.

JustAnotherOldMan · 10/06/2021 09:20

Sounds like you have different understanding of what’s “nice”, whatever that means,
He might think a Harvester is “nice”, whereas you may think only 5 Michelin Stars will do.

“Nice” means different things to different people, if I took a date to somewhere I thought was “nice”, (not a Harvester ...), and the date looked down her nose at it, I probably wouldn’t pursue the relationship much further as that person would probably have a different level of expectations to me,

JustAnotherOldMan · 10/06/2021 09:27

... posted too soon.
You also mention that money doesn’t matter, but you have also dated rich guys, so your expectations of “nice” might be higher than his.
You also sound a bit like high maintenance or as you kinda expect to be “treated”, sorry

osbertthesyrianhamster · 10/06/2021 09:39

Stop spending so much money on him. But ultimately, I'm with Snowfalling and ThatOtherPoster. He's not bothered about impressing you or thinking outside his box to consider you. There's nothing 'high maintenance' about having standards.

Suprima · 10/06/2021 09:41

@JustAnotherOldMan

... posted too soon. You also mention that money doesn’t matter, but you have also dated rich guys, so your expectations of “nice” might be higher than his. You also sound a bit like high maintenance or as you kinda expect to be “treated”, sorry

And why the fuck not?

If your significant other doesn’t treat you then what’s the point in them?

osbertthesyrianhamster · 10/06/2021 09:45

Exactly, Suprima! She's treated him in the past, why not expect the same level of behaviour back? He was happy to take what she offered. Gees, why sell yourself short?

Suprima · 10/06/2021 09:47

OP- pandemic dating meant the bar was low. If splitting the bill for takeaways on the sofa and pub grub was fine then, then by his logic, what would be the problem now?

Have a chat with him: “Oh, I was thinking about us going to xyz, and I’d like to go somewhere nicer. It’s fine for grabbing a quick meal, but I want to go on a proper date night. Could you possibly take a look at something else, possibly abc?”

His reaction will be telling.

Frogcorset · 10/06/2021 09:48

@osbertthesyrianhamster

This. Plus the OP says she feels he makes much less effort with his appearance and having his house clean and tidy when they’re seeing a one another. I’d move on, OP, and chalk it up to the fact that ‘dating’ during Covid probably meant lots of people didn’t really get an accurate sense of one another as quickly as they normally would.

I’m currently poor as a church mouse, but I wouldn’t be seeing someone slobbish with a messy house whose idea of a meal out is a bog-standard curry house, either.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 10/06/2021 09:51

Oh, I hadn't realised she's posted about him before, Frog, but it's unsurprising to read this. He's not bothered. Why waste your time, OP, on someone who's showing you he's lazy? This is him on his best behaviour, OP.

The relationship's run its course.

IamThrough · 10/06/2021 09:59

Blimey - this poor guy isn't psychic!
Everyone's perception of "a nice place" is different.
He's taking you to a restaurant where you've eaten take out from before (which presumably you didn't complain about) that is a cuisine of a country you have connections with. Your BF probably thinks this place is a great choice for you!

You say money or expense isn't an issue - but you've mentioned more than once who spends what on whom - so you're obviously keeping tabs. "so I'm not fussy or difficult to accommodate." ummm... OK then

If the type of restaurant you go to is so important to you then I think you need to make some suggestions to your BF - then he can chose from those that you do find acceptable. He can't be expected to be a mind reader if you don't explain to him what your expectations are. And if it really isn't about the money - then stop keeping tabs on who pays for what.

readingismycardio · 10/06/2021 10:02

So even if you were high maintenance, what? You have the right to set your bar as high as you want. He seems tight, tbh.

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