How do people move on ?

[fuckedandbombed]

I was married to my best mate for 25 years but it was t a sexual relationship.

Then I met someone I was absolutely smitten with. We were together 5 years but he wasn't nice to me and it was quite abusive. I ended it but wasn't really ready .

I've now been alone 2 years. I can't imagine ever being with anyone else. I've tried online dating and it's so crass and so false . I can't seem to find a connection with anyone. I'm a young looking 49 but I'm very aware of my age . Do I give
Up and get some cats ? I can't imagine fancying anyone now . Had tons of interest online but I aren't interested . Had around 20 dates and probably 4 x that in conversation. I do t know what's wrong with me or how I can imagine feeling any connection again .

I really don’t know! Been single 5 years (no dates at all) can’t see that changing, whereas so many people seem to be in new relationships after a few months!

Loop!

I Don't get how people just hop from one long term thing to another ! It seems I'm not wired that way .

@fuckedandbombed healing takes time. I think most of this two years has been in the lockdown so we are all pretty numb anyway. Stop looking and be single for a while. It sounds like you have been in relationships most of your life so don’t know how fun it ia to be single! Make a commitment to being single for the summer and just go out and have fun and do activities. Feeling will come back.

And cats are amazing. Get a couple!

Same boat here, I tried OLD and got burnt and have no idea how to be happily single or meet men naturally, I feel in total limbo. I've just seen a friend jump straight from a 20 year relationship into something new where the man adores her and I'm baffled to how she did it! I only attracted men who want FWB but without the friends bit

Feeling lost so will be watching this thread.

Thanks
I do feel a bit better knowing it's not just me that struggles to move on .

It's not just you OP!! I've been single 7 years - in that time my best friend has divorced , had a serious relationship which lasted over 1 year, now on her second serious relationship- over 1 year ! I wonder sometimes what is wrong with me ! I have given up with OLD as I hate it so much - but so wonder how I'll ever meet anyone !!! I think lots of people are in the same position as you

I've been single for 7 years now. I'm mid forties. In that time pretty much everyone I know has had at least 1 new relationship and numerous short term ones.

I still have primary age DC at home so I'm not that interested in having someone to live with again as a permanent fixture - my exh kinda put me off that for life! But I wouldn't be averse to a fling or two, some short term relationships or whatever. It's not for want of interested parties I just find if I don't fancy them then I don't bother pursuing it.

I've taken to owning a collection of dogs for now 😂

You are way to young to be the lady ‘with cats!’! Don’t go into online dating thinking that you will meet someone special. I know that sounds weird, but the best dates I’ve had have been with no expectations, just going with the flow. The perks of online dating is that you meet people whose paths you probably wouldn’t have crossed. You have a few nice meals, a few coffee dates, walks etc and hopefully have a laugh along the way. It’s fun, and life is to short to be worrying about meeting the perfect partner, I’m dipping my toe back into dating as my marriage of 7 years has ended, ironically I met soon to be ex husband on a dating site and it hasn’t put me off. Get a cat when you retire!

I think you need to be in the right headspace to cope with OLD and it doesn't sound you are there at the moment. Perhaps some time out to recover from your experiences and concentrate on doing stuff for yourself like hobbies, interests and catching up with friends.

I was on my own for a long time when I divorced and then got involved with another idiot on OLD which burnt me a bit. Had time out for reflection and got back into it in my early fifties but was very disciplined about dates that I went on ie paid sites only, met for a drink only for new dates and limited it to an hour of my time. Was polite about not wanting to see them again. Didn't spend a lot of time chatting online as you can't really appreciate someone without meeting up and you know within minutes if they are a likely match. I also didn't feel bad about not wanting to follow up dates with people I didn't like. Didn't settle for just anyone. And bingo met my current partner, blissfully happy. You have to sift through a lot of chafe to find the right one. It's a numbers game but persistence pays off.

I suppose I would be considered one of those who jumps from one RL to another - always have been and I have to say it's never done me any harm. Of course I've had less than perfect experiences and for some men I will be their less than perfect experience too, that's just dating isn't it. It's highly unlikely that you're going to fall for/fancy every person you date.

I would say openness to experience counts for a lot in this scenario and if you're not then you're probably less likely to meet someone quickly, how can you swim if you wont dip your toe so to speak.

I agree OLD can be crass, but I don't think it's necessarily 'fake' no more so than people on their best behaviour in front of others in public - it's just something most of us are wired for.

I met my DH on Tinder after being dumped by my ex. I only went on there to be honest to be told I was pretty, for people to be fake to me and to boost my self esteem and ended up meeting DH for what was really supposed to be one date going out for tea whilst I was in his city on a course. That was 6.5 years ago now.

If you do want to meet someone you have to decide that you're open to go with the flow and see what happens. Even subconsciously you may be thinking that's what you're doing whilst you're actions are actually a different story.

There are MILLIONS of amazing unattached men out there of your age, who are just like you. They've got life experience, hurts and triumphs and love to give.

Be open.

Regarding my reflection comment. I went into therapy, read loads of books and worked out what I was looking for in a partner and what I didn't want. I think it's easy to mindlessly jump into relationships with unsuitable people because you ignore things that are obviously. I married a dismissive avoidant personality, someone that couldn't tolerate intimacy and was totally emotionally unavailable because that's what my parents were like. It seemed normal to me and in hindsight it was bloody obvious when I met him. His last partner, who he lived with, was on the opposite shift to him. She worked days, he worked nights. Perfect for him because he had someone but didn't have to spend much time with them.

This time round I was looking for someone who could talk about feelings, was concerned about my welfare and was of a generous nature. Also secure in themselves. My DP has wanted to spend lots of time with me right from the beginning.

@Dacquoise That's the point isn't it. Dating and being with different people is a learning curve. You can't learn if you don't show up to class.

Plenty of people don't jp from one long term thing to another. It sounds as though you've been on a relationship for almost your whole adult life. Why don't you focus on you for a while? By all means date - OLD or whatever, but there doesn't need to be any pressure. You have a rare opportunity to do whatever you like without recourse to someone else. Embrace it! If you go on a few dates with someone and it turns into something then all well and good, and if it doesn't then that's fine too.

Yes totally agree. You have to get out there. I think it can come across if you are over invested on OLD. That you will put up with any old crap because you don't actually like yourself very much which kind of teaches the idiots to use and abuse you.

@Dacquoise yes absolutely agree with you there. You can date and be on OLD and still be a discerning person, you don't have to take any rubbish.

I think in the grand scheme of life very few people will end up with their childhood sweetheart blissfully happy for life, which means the rest of us have some learning and experimenting to do. I think if you can see it in a positive light and not attach your own self esteem to it, you can really enjoy the journey

Ok - I'll keep looking at the dating sites . I do t have any expectations, it does sometimes give me a boost and I'm finding sometimes it's quite empowering. Had a chat going for a few days with a chap 10 years younger but he began very quickly to raise red flags - repeatedly asking if I was talking to anyone else , being a bit weird . He asked me to be honest- so I said honestly this line of questioning is pissing me off so good luck and blocked ! I have decided I will not put up with any rubbish . I guess that's a start because the last relationship was full of it . Maybe this is a learning experience. Sometimes I can be bothered with it and sometimes I can't .

If I was you, I’d get the cats and have a FWB thing going on.

If the guy asking if you'd speaking to someone else pissed you off to the point of blocking him I'd wonder if your patience levels are up to letting people be imperfect on OLD. He might have been burned in the past thinking something was exclusive when it wasn't and that's giving him some pause. I'd have asked him why this was such a big question and got a conversation going, whilst being honest if I was or wasn't. I think

No Gilda he was saying he wanted me to speak to other men because the thought they wanted me turned him on . It was a bit ick . He kept persistently asking no matter what I said . Im too old to put up with weird shit .

Oh no haha well that's just gross!!

I stayed in a bad relationship for far too long. By the time I left I was completely and utterly over it. There was not an ounce of emotion left in me. I was happy, no attachment to him and in a great place. Had I left a couple of years before it would've been a different story.

Ok I have 2 dates lined up that I'm actually excited about.

One guy - 9 years my junior but really interested and proper hottie . Same mine of worn - ish . Chatting online been easy .

Second goy - older own business. Really attractive. Also easy chat .

I saw my ex today . We talked for 20 mins. He's totally moved on . He's about to move his new girlfriend and her son into his (our) hkuse . It was hard to talk to him but actually made me realise there's nothing to hold on to . He's gone . So I have 2 dates next week. I'm gonna shape up . No wine . I'll get out running again . I'll endeavour to look my best . And feel good .

@fuckedandbombed I can't comment on your dating experiences however I do have two cats, they are absolute dicks and far worse than any man! (I love them really )
I also have two dogs, they are loyal and loving so if dating doesn't go your way I would definitely be a crazy dog lady rather than a crazy cat lady

I've got 2 dogs . Total pains ! But I love them .
My Shepard is intuitive and cuddles me when in need it my terrier is a typical man. Hogs the bed . Growls . Thinks he's bigger than he is . Follows me around staring at me . My daughter calls him bipolar dog .

I've had a bad day today. I do t want to go back to work . I'm tired but can't sleep. Trying to engage with people but not feeling it .

Emailed ex . He didn't reply obviously. He's moved on . I do t know how to do the same .

People move on when a relationship is over. You will realise this in time. Sometimes it is hard to let go but eventually you will and you will be glad you did. He wasn't right for you. I'm sorry you are sad but it will pass