Does your partner have an issue with you speaking to the opposite sex?

[yogibear0]

With my partner 16 years and he's always had an issue about me saying hi or having a conversation with other men. I've dealt with this for a long time but recently a neighbour approached me as my mum hadn't been well and just said him and his wife were sorry to hear my mum was unwell and if there was anything they could do to help just let them know.

My partner seen the guy talking to me and for an entire week he's got very paranoid and sometimes a bit aggressive (hasn't acted on it)

He keeps going over the same line that I shouldn't be speaking to being nice to other men whilst I'm with him and by doing that I'm making a mug out of him. Told me there is a want in me for male attention and he says I can't just say hello and go about my business, that I need to flirt...

I've put it behind me for years his attitude to me speaking to the opposite sex. He constantly tells me people in relationships don't need to meet and greet the opposite sex and it's very strange if you do. That you are disrespecting your partner. I'm pretty aware this is bollocks but I needed to create a post just to show myself that I'm right. There is nothing wrong about speaking to the opposite sex. It doesn't mean I'm a whole just because I was polite to this man for being kind

No, he never has. I have to work v closely with 2 men in work. By that I mean we shadow each other pretty much all week. 2 of us are alone together about 70% of the time to carry out certain jobs. If my dh had a problem with that then he would have a hard life to be honest 🤣🤣

And no I didn't do the job before I met him so it's not something he knew of from the beginning.

Your dh is being vvv unreasonable!!

OP, you know this isn’t normal. Not only do I talk to men, a couple of my closest friends are men. We go out for dinner together, we’ve gone on holiday once or twice. No one has fallen into bed with one another, and I remain happily married to a man who also has female friends.

Red flag time

So would he have a problem with you speaking to a 70 year old neighbour of the opposite sex? Probably not because that older chap isn’t a threat to his relationship with you. Only younger males.

Are you allowed to go on a works night out?
Are you allowed to dance with your make cousin or a pals husband at a wedding or whatever? Or is it only if he is there to oversee your behaviour?

Where does his madness stop.

I had one of them. He was so insecure that I foolishly got engaged to him. Thinking that would help him realise I wasn’t for straying. It made no difference. I left before he got violent in his attempts to keep me for himself when all I wanted to do is talk to people. Not even flirty talk!

The guy needs counselling but I doubt he’s go for it as he thinks his attitude is fine.

It’s not. It’s so wrong. He will escalate and make your life difficult and miserable.

Male cousin.

thankyou everyone... No he says he has no need to speak to other women other than hello goodbye basically.
And keeps saying how would I feel if he started being all nice to other women.

I've explained that's fine.. Im only ever being polite when someone approaches me or says hello to me. He thinks I'm "over friendly" with males. I'm too nice to them. For God's sake he even had an opinion about me waving to a cousins husband because my wave is over friendly and how embarrassing it was etc...

I've questioned myself for some time thinking hes right that maybe I am too friendly but deep down I know that's not the case.

I think I've just listened to same bullshit for years and believed it and now that I standing up for myself hes telling me I'm nuts. That people in normal relationships don't feel the need to have to friends with the opposite sex. And because I'm fighting that and saying it's nonsense, it's really angered him. He thinks I've a fucked up view in being in a relationship and is now questioning every single little thing. He honestly won't leave me alone, bringing up past things of how I've reacted round a certain person (mainly an ex) I've only got 2 and that's when I was 14 & 16 May I add! Ran into them once or twice abd because they flash a smile or try to give me a hug to say long time no see he thinks its all sexual. Like I'm about to have a bloody affair. I'm just sick of it. My mind is tortured right now

Well leave your fucking bastard! Why are you even discussing it. You know this is all sorts of wrong.

If you are going to leave him be very careful because if he’s like my ex he could well lose the plot at the thought of losing you.

Mine tried to kill me “if I can’t have you nobody else can”. Fortunately he wasn’t very good and I escaped.

@Elieza

Red flag time

So would he have a problem with you speaking to a 70 year old neighbour of the opposite sex? Probably not because that older chap isn’t a threat to his relationship with you. Only younger males.

Are you allowed to go on a works night out?
Are you allowed to dance with your make cousin or a pals husband at a wedding or whatever? Or is it only if he is there to oversee your behaviour?

Where does his madness stop.

I had one of them. He was so insecure that I foolishly got engaged to him. Thinking that would help him realise I wasn’t for straying. It made no difference. I left before he got violent in his attempts to keep me for himself when all I wanted to do is talk to people. Not even flirty talk!

The guy needs counselling but I doubt he’s go for it as he thinks his attitude is fine.

It’s not. It’s so wrong. He will escalate and make your life difficult and miserable.

I dont work at the moment we've two small kids together. I'm longing to get back into work but this whole not trusting me with other men is stopping me from doing that. I feel sick even thinking about the interrogations I will get each night. Yes he most likely would have an issue with me dancing with a male cousin as pathetic as that sounds and I wouldn't dare dance with a friends husband, I'm definitely over stepping boundaries there with him.

PS if I lived my time over again I would have left sooner.

You will have so much more joy without him crippling and stifling you.

Just plan your escape carefully.

@pog100

Well leave your fucking bastard! Why are you even discussing it. You know this is all sorts of wrong.

Please refrain from treating me like I'm an asshole. I understand I should have been up & gone a very long time ago. I'm finally seeing things now that I couldn't before

The more you flex against the ridiculous restrictions, the more abusive he will become, I think.
He won't be reassured by you coming home from work to him; he'll be too busy torturing himself dreaming up things you may have done.

Very odd .

I have dinners & trips out with male friends and colleagues . Wonder what he'd think to that .

DP has female friends through mutual interests / hobby .

No, because he's not a controlling arse.

He sounds nuts.

I'm longing to get back into work but this whole not trusting me with other men is stopping me from doing that

Well isn’t that convenient for him - makes it much easier to keep you under his thumb.

Doesn’t he have any female colleagues or customers with his job? Unless he is a monk, he must come into contact with women at some point in his professional life. Does he just blank them? No of course he doesn’t.

The guy needs counselling but I doubt he’s go for it as he thinks his attitude is fine.

Ain't no counselling that'll fix this.i have never, repeat never, known men like this to change (permanently change).

Their value system is set in stone, and their value system is that "their" woman is their possession, an extension of them etc.

He's pathologically possessive, controlling, jealous etc.

Your head must be absolutely dine o , behaviour like his is really stressful to deal.with, let alone for years.

He'll never change.

Hope you don't have kids with him, even if you do you could still get out.

*done in

Oh sorry I've just seen you have two small kids.

Well,you can still get out. You won't be the first, nor the last.

Just goes to show even when men like this have their partner tied with babies/kids, snowing the ultimate investment and commitment and dependence; they still can't manage their obsessive possessiveness and jealousy.

Oh and I've been involved with one of these;

"When I'm in a relationship I don't socialise without my partner" (I was so green I dydbf realise what that really meant was "you're not allowed to socialise without me".

"You said you were playing table tennis with fellas at that house party .." (yeah, attached fellas, all there with they'd partners, the point of the story was the table tennis.

"You said you wore a short tight dress out at Halloween" .. no I didn't, I said my usual long dress was too tight to wear.

" ... And you were standing talking to that fella outside a hotel when you went to that concert" .. I bumped into and spoke to my ex work colleague outside a hotel .. do you want me to blank people I know passing them at close quarters in the street?

"You were standing chatting for far too long to so and so, do you know what that looked like?". I chatted to a man I know from the hobby standing right be-fucking -side you, so you were aware of every word.

"You could start a business in one of my outhouses; people would give you business, a well spoken, nice looking female -my job title" ... Thought it was lovely and encouraging at the time, realised afterward he was trying to get me out of the work place because there was too much potential for interaction with men.

Etc etc etc on and on. I found myself screaming like a mad woman down the phone at him during another berating & criticism session from him, oddly enough becoming like he described his "unstable" ex girlfriends.

Not another thread about a controlling, immature, selfish man.
This is not in any way normal. You surely know that. Why are you allowing him to tell you what to do anyway?

What a coincidence.

There's no changing blokes like this.

They'll either meet someone who'll put up with it, or their relationships will last as long as she puts up with it (which can be quite long by the time the patterns are established, kids are involved etc etc.)

Lundy Bancroft's "why does he do that" is quite good on this (it's primarily about physical abuse but a lot is very relevant to non physical abuse situations as well).

Are you safe online? I do hope you have at least one good friend irl. WomensAid could help and so could Rights of Women.
www.womensaid.org.uk/
rightsofwomen.org.uk/

I feel sick even thinking about the interrogations I will get each night.

He's actually sick, and there is no cure for the disease he has. It's a disease that causes more suffering to the man's partner than him.

You can lay plans to get out.

I’ve been in this same situation for 2.5 years. He tells me I’m a whore and that I must need men in my life because I have a casual conversation with someone for five or 10 minutes. No flirting, no suggestive words or actions. I could be talking about a football game, he’s starting to brainwash me That I’m starting to wonder if he’s right. After reading your post and seeing it’s been going on for 16 years, it scares me. I thought in time he would see that it was harmless conversation and that I was in love with him, but it never stops. Everything can be great and he’ll bring up a conversation. I had two years ago that bothered him and start an argument. Reading all of the responses to your post helps me know that I’m not going crazy. Helps me know that I’m not some lowlife whore because I made casual conversation with a stranger of the opposite sex for a matter of minutes. Thank all of you for your responses and thank you for your post. I’m going to save this page to help me to get through this.

@CubanGato
I really hope that your "get through this" means getting everything organised to leave or dump him. It won't get any better, and I'm so sorry you're in that situation.

It's hugely controlling, and his massive insecurities are his problem.
Calling you a whore is verbal abuse.

I have lots of male friends. I go out for dinner and drinks with them 121, same as I do with my female friends, same as my partner does with his male and female friends. Because in any good relationship you have trust, and if someone is so insecure and controlling that they cannot trust, then they are not fit to be in a relationship and you should leave.

And that's friends. Neither of us would even cross our minds with a stray thought about speaking to a random who we're just making casual conversation or small talk with - who's got the time for that in their life, it's completely ridiculous of him!

Best of luck with the next chapter, hopefully without him!