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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I too fussy? Why is it so easy for everyone else?!

37 replies

troobleflooble · 07/06/2021 12:00

Since my last LTR ended about 3yrs ago I've had one 'relationship' which lasted about 9 months but turns out he was cheating on me the whole time (hence why I say 'relationship' as it wasn't actually real). I am OLD as I don't have any other way of meeting people irl and I'm finding it almost impossible to find someone who fits with what I want and also actually wants a relationship as opposed to just sex.

Yet all around me I find people (women mostly) who break up from relationships, sometimes very long ones, and seem to find 'the one' almost straight away! One friend broke up with her DP of 9yrs and within 2 months had found another DP, within 4 months of dating he'd moved in and they'd gotten engaged. We became single at almost the same time so the difference is really stark to me.

Another girl I know broke up with her bf about a month ago. Is already in another relationship. Same with the previous bf, and both were reasonably long relationships.

Am I too fussy?! Why can't I find anyone! It's starting to really piss me off and I'm really trying not to but I'm becoming a bit jealous and bitter 😞

OP posts:
Original poster
troobleflooble · 07/06/2021 12:08

I should just add - I'm mid 30's and do not want kids so no biological clock ticking as a factor, but I also don't want to date something with kids as for once I would actually like to be someone's priority. I have a history of abusive relationships where people treat me like shit and I can't handle being second best anymore. I'm also not a particularly maternal person and while I don't hate kids at all I just don't want to be involved in raising someone else's child and having to deal with their ex on a regular basis.

OP posts:
Guavafish · 07/06/2021 12:14

No - it’s just not your time!

Most people who ‘find the one’ (I don’t really believe in that concept) are usually happy and at ease.

A lot of my girlfriends find their now husbands after a break up with their exs. I think it’s because they know what the want in relationships.

My advice is look at your life situation… are you happy? If not look at addressing that first.

OLD is hard but you have to set good boundaries and don’t give up. Look at other social avenues to meet people too like speed dating events etc.

Good luck

Guavafish · 07/06/2021 12:18

Make sure you don’t date anyone with children or if they do, they are not dependent.

Set good boundaries and look for abusive signs do you can escape quickly.

Don’t settle!

katy1213 · 07/06/2021 12:20

Be fussy! Mumsnet is one long cautionary tale about what happens when women settle for anything.

TirisfalPumpkin · 07/06/2021 12:27

Yep - fussiness = having standards. Keep on doing that.

I think often those rapid new relationships are a result of the rebound effect - doubled if the new partner is also recently broken up. It causes rose-tinted vision of new partner and favourable comparisons with old, but can reduce critical thinking. Ending a 9 year LTR and being engaged to someone else within 4 months has trouble written all over it.

Best to have a break from dating after a long relationship to ensure all is OK with you and any prospective new partners will add to your already-whole life, not complete it.

tinysundancer · 07/06/2021 14:01

I know exactly what you mean - I watch everyone move on very quickly and my life seems to have been on pause for years. I too have been in a very abusive relationship so maybe I put barriers up give off a self protectiveness. To be on your own shows a lot of strength

Original poster
troobleflooble · 07/06/2021 14:57

@Guavafish I am happy in my life in general, I'm just not happy that I'm single 😂 Everything else is fine I just get lonely and tired of having to do things on my own. I do have some good friends but they are busy and have lives so aren't always available or want to do things with me.

I'm fine spending time on my own. It would just be nice to have the option of someone to be with! I also miss sex, intimacy, and just having someone to share my life with and come home to after work etc. All the normal things.

I've finally realised after so many years of crappy relationships that I cannot compromise on the things I want. It only leads to trouble.

No stoners/druggies
No smokers
No kids
No wanting kids
Plus all the usual no liars, cheats, etc (although most of them are not upfront about this for obvious reasons!)

Everything else I'm pretty flexible on, I don't think that's too much to ask!

OP posts:
Mabelone · 07/06/2021 15:12

Some people are fussier than others but there is nothing wrong with that. Those who “get lucky” often have their rose tinted glasses on. I have friends who have split with long standing partners and moved on really quickly but they have then lurched one disaster to another with really unsuitable men. Their neediness to be in a relationship at all costs was their downfall. Your friends sound like they have been lucky but it is still early days.

tinysundancer · 07/06/2021 15:30

You have standards and good morals -some people are so insecure about being on their own they will accept anyone

Marlboroandmalbec34 · 07/06/2021 16:03

Oh gosh OP exactly the same. I’ve been single 3 years and dating online for 2. I have a great, lovely, fulfilling life but I want to meet someone special for all the same reasons as you but cannot get past the 2nd date!

All my friends just jump from one relationship to another and seem to meet genuinely good guys. I can’t find anyone I like or who likes me. I don’t want a FWB I want to love and be loved. I often think I must be fussy but whenever I lower my expectations I just end up with more first dates with guys Im not attracted to. Or ghosted 👻

ihtwsf · 07/06/2021 16:07

Sometimes people who seem to move very quickly into a new relationship already knew the new partner before.....

Also, don't believe everyone who seems to be blissfully happy with their wonderful bloke. You have no idea what goes on behind closed doors.
I was recently shocked to find out how badly a supposedly nice guy has been treating one of my uni friends for the last 10 years. They are divorced now but before that we all thought she was so lucky to have found the one and what a great husband he was. How wrong can you be.
That's not the only example among my friends and family.

Keep being "fussy". Why should you settle for some dross?

Original poster
troobleflooble · 07/06/2021 22:47

@Marlboroandmalbec34 I know that feeling exactly - I do have a couple FWB but really I just want someone to love me and I can love back and do all the coupley stuff with.

I'm having trouble even getting to the first date! Most of the people that contact me I'm not interested in/attracted to and all the ones I message first don't respond 😞

OP posts:
Guavafish · 07/06/2021 23:32

Don’t worry it will happen when you least expect it and also generally when your not looking.

Don’t let your standards slip - seems like a reasonable list.

IsIgnoranceBliss · 08/06/2021 00:44

Two things that are jumping out to me that might be making it harder for you:

  1. You said you are “becoming a bit jealous and bitter” which possibly isn’t that attractive
  2. You have two FWB which might be affecting your ability to find others attractive.

That’s only my opinion, of course.

PerveenMistry · 08/06/2021 01:24

@katy1213

Be fussy! Mumsnet is one long cautionary tale about what happens when women settle for anything.
Truer words never written.
Lockeddown88 · 08/06/2021 01:57

Stay fussy and wait until it feels right. It will be worth the wait!

lostindreams · 08/06/2021 20:24

I think it's all down to self-esteem and whether you were raised to believe you're worthy of love. Those who were radiate confidence and find interactions with people they fancy easy. Those who were raised to feel like they're unloveable in any way end up projecting that to other people and may give off an air that they don't want to be approached (when really they're just shy/insecure). I'm in the second group and am having therapy to help with this!

Hazelnutwhirl · 08/06/2021 23:02

Your not alone, I am in a similar situation, have been online dating but never seem to get likes or messages and when I do they just fizzle out and I never even get a first date. I have never had any luck meeting guys they only seem interested in me when they are drunk, the rest of the time they show no interest in me, I have tried things like meet ups, hobbies and always go to parties/balls when invited but never meet anyone and yet all my friends are all paired off.

tinysundancer · 09/06/2021 09:57

@lostindreams
I think it's all down to self-esteem and whether you were raised to believe you're worthy of love. Those who were radiate confidence and find interactions with people they fancy easy. Those who were raised to feel like they're unloveable in any way end up projecting that to other people and may give off an air that they don't want to be approached (when really they're just shy/insecure). I'm in the second group and am having therapy to help with this!

so well worded - this is me - in my personal life and work - it was how I was raised that has affected me as an adult - I have raised my daughter so differently and hope she radiates everything that I don't

Clementine183 · 09/06/2021 16:28

If you're mid thirties and looking for someone of a similar age then it stands to reason the pool will be a fair bit smaller if you want someone with no kids and who doesn't want any. I don't think it's "fussy" but you have to accept that by their thirties and forties the majority of people either have or want kids, so you may need to be more patient...

Bananalanacake · 09/06/2021 16:36

On that list you missed,,,,

Must have driving license,
Must have full time job,
Must own their own home and not be in debt,
Must not be an alcoholic
Must share some of my interests.

I have all of these and more, I met my DH when I was 33.

areyouhavingagiraffe · 09/06/2021 16:52

@troobleflooble. I am 43, and been single for 11 years. Yup, 11 years. I feel the same sometimes. Also OLD and it is sooooo difficult. Sometimes I feel like I should get off it, but then I think "you got to be in it to win it". Kind of have a love-hate relationship with it.
I think I am normal and okay looking, so not sure what the berluddy problem is to be honest, ha ha

crimsonlake · 09/06/2021 19:11

Fussy one here too, single after divorce for 10 years.
I do OLD and over the years and getting older myself dates have become a rarity. I have had a couple of shortish relationships which I knew I never wanted to be long term. The rest...well some of them were perfectly nice in their way, but dull and I did not feel the spark.
You hear of lots of divorced men and women shortly meeting someone else and settling down, I think I am not destined to become one of them.
Tbh I do not want to live with anyone again, but some male company would be nice, the problem is worse now as most men in my age range just look like potato heads.

Original poster
troobleflooble · 09/06/2021 19:37

@Clementine183 yeah that's true. I know that most men by my age either have or want kids so I will have to be patient and I'm ok with that. It's really not something I feel I can compromise on.

@Bananalanacake the trouble is with the things you've added is:

I don't have a driver's license
I don't own my own home and have (a small amount) of debt
I don't have a full time job

So I feel like it would be hypocritical of me to insist that a potential partner have these things when I don't myself. The not being an alcoholic/sharing interests goes without saying! 😆

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 09/06/2021 19:48

I found my dp when I was browsing on Facebook and people from my past popped up. One of them was a boy I knew 50 years ago. We didn't really notice each other as teenagers, but we did this time round. Luckily he was single Wink