DH in a bad mood

[dhbadmoodnc]

DH woke up this morning in a bad mood and it's making me feel really anxious.

We have a business together, but he is having a couple of days off to get some work done in our garden with his brother. He started at 7:30, I made breakfast (I'm doing Slimming World currently so it's a bit of an event), tidied up the kitchen, put some washing on and came up to start work at about 8:50am in our spare room which we use as an office.

He rang me at 10am and he was so mad at me, I feel like the way he spoke to me made my blood run cold and I ended up stammering and feeling a bit panicky? But I can't quite put my finger on what was wrong.

He asked me why I didn't answer the phone straight away (I accidentally had it on silent on a pile of papers so didn't hear it but I daren't tell him that so I told him I didn't hear it over the shredder). He asked me if I'd done X and Y work tasks. I said no I'd been doing Z. He told me he was dying for a drink as it was boiling hot. I told him I'd bring one out and he hung up on me.

I went to take him a drink out, I made him a cup of tea and had put a bottle of squash in the freezer so it was really cold for them, so took them all out. He took them off me and didn't say anything. I went to go back into the house and he followed me until we were away from his brother. Then he asked me again if I'd done X and Y work tasks, I said no but I hadn't forgotten about them, they were on my to do list.

Then he asked me if I'd gone back to bed. I said no course not, I was doing Z work task. He said "you were, I heard you". I stood there for a minute just looking confused then said "are you daft, I was not in fucking bed" and came back inside.

I feel really scared. I can't concentrate on work coz I'm worried about it all. I'm not scared he will physically hurt me, but he has screamed at me over work before, although not for a long while. I can be a bit unfocused sometimes and he can be a bit rigid over work but I was working and had been since before my official start time (9am). To my mind, there was no difference in importance between tasks X and Y vs Z, I was working and I had all the tasks on my to do list for the day. I came up and did tasks X and Y that he asked me about. He didn't say anything about them earlier, like make sure you do X and Y first thing or anything.

Why do I feel so scared? He commented this morning that I was in a good mood, I was, we'd had a lovely weekend. Now he seems like the opposite of that person.

If you feel scared, listen to that instinct. We have instincts for a reason. He may be thinking about physically hurting you op. That's when the body tends to give you that cold fear feeling.

He already sounds controlling and nasty. Are you aware of the signs of abuse? Might be wise to read up on that.

Get yourself out of there for now though. If your body is screaming 'I'm not safe!'. Then you are not safe.

you feel scared because he’s unpredictable - you’ve said he was nice at the weekend and now he isn’t
He shouldn’t be screaming at you
He shouldn’t make your blood run cold
Why are you bringing him drinks? Do he ask a lot of you that you comply with because of his moods

What stuck out was that he made sure his brother was out of earshot before he started having a go at you

Honestly he sounds very unpleasant - why do you work with him? Was that his suggestion? Do you get paid?

You should not, under any circumstances, feel scared of your husband or his reactions. There is something very wrong going on there. I'm glad you stood up for yourself but is he often like this? I think your relationship needs a reset or an end. I'm sorry

Why would he scream at you about your job?

Oh and btw I've only had that horrible fear feeling out of the blue from a person twice in my life. One of them was a random in a nightclub who went on to murder a girl (whom he had met in a nightclub). And the other was a date I was on with this gorgeous guy... who priceded to display every red flag under the sun and I'm pretty sure was trying to get me to walk down a quiet lane with him so he could attack me.

Listen.to.your.fear.instinct.

*proceeded.

He's treating you like a very little respected subordinate. Why are you running around like a maid fetching drinks for him? What's wrong with his hands? You're scared because you're living with a dominator (look it up) and he's just been through a nice cycle and is setting the scene to abuse you again. It's called the cycle of abuse.

Sounds like he's isolated you as well.

@StarCourt

Why would he scream at you about your job?

I have trouble focusing and concentrating sometimes, I think I might have ADHD and I'm currently considering whether a diganosis might be helpful or not. But it was a big adjustment for me going from working for someone else, and working for myself. I did make a lot of mistakes, especially at the beginning. And then DH is the exact opposite, he is hyper focused on work, it's all he cares about, and it made for a lot of issues.

OP someone doesn't just wake up one morning and feel fearful or anxious around their husband, unless they have reason too. There's more to this isn't there? Your husband seems to have you well 'trained' in his eyes... Having to account for your time? Having you stop doing your work to run around after him making cups of tea? Making sure you're doing what he tells you to do? That's a bully!
You have obviously had to learn to walk on egg shells around him, he's domineering out of the sight, and earshot of others.
You'll be saying next he's well thought of, everyone thinks he's a charming, likeable guy who's the salt of the Earth, but you know he isn't. If your instincts are telling you to be fearful, listen to them.

clarewalkerconsultancy.com/domestic-abuse/warning-signs-how-to-spot-a-dominator/

No op, the person asking why he would scream at you meant - because it is not acceptable under any circumstances.

It is worrying that you immediately jumped to the idea that it must be your fault somehow that he was screaming at you.

His behaviour is unacceptable. Under any circumstances.

Why have you stayed with him so long?
He is horrible.

I think you need to sit this bully down and tell him exactly how he made you feel. Tell him if it continues you will visit a divorce lawyer

He knows how it makes her feel. Like you said, ge is a bully. It's his intention to make her feel like shit.

He'll punish her for daring to speak up. The OP has been cowed into a subordinate position because she is punished if she doesn't do what he wants. He knows what he's doing as he's hiding it from others (spoke down to her away from his brother).

You don't challenge an abuser, as it can escalate the situation. He may escalate to physical abuse.

I doubt the OP has ADHD, more like the effects of living in terror. No one would be able to concentrate with such a controlling bully micro managing you.

He sounds abusive as others have said
Why couldn’t he make his own drinks? It sounds like as a minimum you need to find a new job

I hope you have your own separate bank account op. If you don't, get one. And transfer your share of the finances into it asap. Because if he gets wind that you are realising he is abusive, he may drain all the money from the buisness/joint account. To make it harder for you to leave.

You feel scared because he's scary. Scary men are abusive partners. Do you have kids? Somewhere to go?

This sounds really unpleasant. You should never be made to feel scared of your partner. Does he have previous form for this type of behaviour?

If we put the abuse issue to the side op (which you absolutely should not but just to look at the other issues), then at least think of it this way: he is on his day off, you are at work. And yet rather than go and get his own drink, he calls you (in a rage) and then expects you to bring him one out. Why? You're not his bloody slave. Why couldn't he have taken a break, gone in for a drink - and maybe brought YOU one up whilst he was at it?

Why are you the one making the breakfast, doing the washing, running around after him and taking his notes on how to do YOUR job? You are not a maid. This is not the 1950s.

Seriously op. Start making plans to get the hell out of there.

Speak to womens aid. And maybe a solicitor about your entitlements.

He's abusive. Screaming at you over perceived wrong doing, getting angry because you didn't immediately pick up the phone to him and you being too scared to tell him you'd left it on silent, demanding you stop what you're doing to bring him a drink. Please call women's aid for advice.

What he is showing you is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and that is a continuous one.

I would urge you to call Women’s Aid as a matter of importance or at the very least seek help from them via Boots the chemist. If you go there ask the staff for Ani.

I do not think you have ADHD , your state of mind is more likely than not being caused directly by him and his abuse of you. Spaghetti head and confusion is commonplace with such abusive men.

Do you find that being screamed and shouted at, and spoken to in a threatening manner is helpful for your work productivity?

No, of course not, because its not helpful for anyone in any situation.

I would simply not put up with being treated like that. In the workplace it would be considered bullying. Document the evidence and take him to employment tribunal. But seriously, if he behaves like this to you regularly I would be considering divorce.

He's very controlling isn't he, OP? I'd be worried. Are you going to put up with this for the rest of your life?

What's your financial situation like, OP? I don't imagine he's paying you much, is he? What kind of job did you used to do?

Do you have children together?

Regarding your house - is it on a mortgage or rented?

Jesus, he sounds absolutely vile. Why couldn't you tell him your phone was on silent accidentally rather than make up an excuse why you didn't answer the call immediately? - who does he think he is? .
I just wouldn't accept that type of behaviour from my DP - I know that's easy to say as outsider but it's abusive and controlling and I would seriously be considering my options.
Nobody should feel anxious or scared around their partner. They should be the one person you're comfortable being around.