DH in a bad mood

[dhbadmoodnc]

DH woke up this morning in a bad mood and it's making me feel really anxious.

We have a business together, but he is having a couple of days off to get some work done in our garden with his brother. He started at 7:30, I made breakfast (I'm doing Slimming World currently so it's a bit of an event), tidied up the kitchen, put some washing on and came up to start work at about 8:50am in our spare room which we use as an office.

He rang me at 10am and he was so mad at me, I feel like the way he spoke to me made my blood run cold and I ended up stammering and feeling a bit panicky? But I can't quite put my finger on what was wrong.

He asked me why I didn't answer the phone straight away (I accidentally had it on silent on a pile of papers so didn't hear it but I daren't tell him that so I told him I didn't hear it over the shredder). He asked me if I'd done X and Y work tasks. I said no I'd been doing Z. He told me he was dying for a drink as it was boiling hot. I told him I'd bring one out and he hung up on me.

I went to take him a drink out, I made him a cup of tea and had put a bottle of squash in the freezer so it was really cold for them, so took them all out. He took them off me and didn't say anything. I went to go back into the house and he followed me until we were away from his brother. Then he asked me again if I'd done X and Y work tasks, I said no but I hadn't forgotten about them, they were on my to do list.

Then he asked me if I'd gone back to bed. I said no course not, I was doing Z work task. He said "you were, I heard you". I stood there for a minute just looking confused then said "are you daft, I was not in fucking bed" and came back inside.

I feel really scared. I can't concentrate on work coz I'm worried about it all. I'm not scared he will physically hurt me, but he has screamed at me over work before, although not for a long while. I can be a bit unfocused sometimes and he can be a bit rigid over work but I was working and had been since before my official start time (9am). To my mind, there was no difference in importance between tasks X and Y vs Z, I was working and I had all the tasks on my to do list for the day. I came up and did tasks X and Y that he asked me about. He didn't say anything about them earlier, like make sure you do X and Y first thing or anything.

Why do I feel so scared? He commented this morning that I was in a good mood, I was, we'd had a lovely weekend. Now he seems like the opposite of that person.

I just went out into the garden to see if they wanted more drinks or lunch. DH was nice as pie to me, he wanted to show me what they've done so far, helped me over a rocky bit, showed me where some things were going to go, etc. I felt like I relaxed a little bit as he seemed to have calmed down.

I went into the kitchen to make the tea and there was a massive bang, DH had walked around the house to the front door. We keep it on a latch but with the door unlocked, DH is well aware of this as we do it all the time, he'd tried to open the door so aggressively I felt like the whole house shook, the dogs went mad as he scared them too and now I'm back feeling even more on edge as I don't think it's normal to do that?

These are further examples of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse from him and no its not normal at all. But it is normal for an abusive relationship.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. What do you get out of this relationship now?. Are you worried about leaving the dogs with him?.

In answer to some questions - we work in overlapping but different IT jobs and both decided to start the business together. I do get paid fairly, we have an accountant that oversees everything, but things have been a bit tight lately.

I do feel like a subordinate often. He thinks his role in the business is more important as he deals with the customers as I'm much shyer. I do all the house work like cooking and cleaning and sorting the dogs out. He kind of put me in the position that it's only fair as he works more hours than me.

We don't have kids, we had been trying but it hasn't felt right for a while now and so I started quietly taking the pill again until I was sure, is that really horrible of me? I've been feeling really guilty about it.

Do not bring children into this relationship, it would be grossly unfair to do so. He is no decent example of a husband to you, what sort of father would he be at all to a child?.

Is this joint business here also a factor in preventing you from leaving your H?.

Like 'gaslighting' this behaviour is designed to make you feel like you are going crazy. Because it is yoyo-ing with your emotions and the outcome will be that you never feel truly at ease or safe. And become a nervous wreck.

OP this is seriously bad shit. You need to get out asap.

I wonder if you joining slimming world (attempting to better yourself and find self confidence) is what has brought about this sudden extra ramp up of abuse. Abusers want you to feel shit about yourself.

I hope you are taking in what ppl are saying: that you are in an abusive relationship, op. And it is escalating.

He is cycling through the nasty nice cycle extra fast and that means he is really determined to break you, fast.

No it's not remotely normal. You are in an abusive relationship. You are not his partner, you are his victim. Run!

So he was as nice as pie in front of his brother and then came through the front door to abuse you? Get out OP and definitely keep taking your pill. He sounds dangerous.

[quote maskface212]clarewalkerconsultancy.com/domestic-abuse/warning-signs-how-to-spot-a-dominator/[/quote]
Thank you for sharing the link, I looked at it and actually I feel like he meets everything it lists for "Early Jailer", what does that mean?

A jailor is someone who acts like a prison warden, constantly wants to know where you are. Calls you when you're out. Monitors your time. An extreme example is having cameras up in the house, using phone and car trackers. Checking receipts for times to see how long you were at the shops. Gradually isolates you by creating a fuss or sulking and punishing you for going anywhere without them. Your circle gets smaller and smaller and, before you know it, you're working from home and he's acting like your boss.

OP have a chat with the National Helpline. They are available to chat with online and your boss needn't know you are talking to them as you are alone in your office: www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/en/Chat-to-us-online

For the time being, keep behaving the way you normally behave as he may become more controlling if he senses a change.

Well you tell us op. What does it mean for you? What next steps do you think you should take now you know your partner is controlling and manipulating you?

This might also be worth a read for specific abuser types (Of course, people can be more than one).

thepowermoves.com/7-types-of-abusive-men-a-psychological-analysis/

@AttilaTheMeerkat

Do not bring children into this relationship, it would be grossly unfair to do so. He is no decent example of a husband to you, what sort of father would he be at all to a child?.

Is this joint business here also a factor in preventing you from leaving your H?.

Yes, definitely. If I left DH, I would also have to leave the business. I wouldn't mind, not really. I much prefer working for a company, I miss my old colleagues and I feel like I work better within imposed timelines and deadlines etc.

My issue is that I don't feel like I can afford to leave. I have nowhere to go, there is no room for me at my Mum's house, I have about £1k saved, I've looked at what benefits I would be entitled to and it's barely anything. I'd get £487 per month but would need to use £150 of that to top up on the cheapest rent I can find in my area. I've been lucky that I've never needed to use benefits before but I feel so stuck because I don't know how I could even afford to leave? We have a decent amount of equity in our house as we've been trying to pay down the mortgage and we've done a lot of work to it, but I can't imagine it will be quick or easy to access.

Obviously I would look for a job straight away, I have applied for a couple already but not heard anything back yet but at the same time I also don't know how I would be able to go to an interview if I was offered one as we're together all the time.

Lots of interviews are still being conducted online at the moment, so you might be able to do that. Keep applying. Make sure you hide all your emails and applications in a boring looking folder he won't pay attention to.
Is the mortgage in both your names?
Can you look at rooms for rent in shared houses instead? Spare Room was a site mentioned here. Again, remember to keep your browsing for this hidden.

If you've done quite a bit of work to the house, hopefully it'll sell quickly.

Good on you for job hunting. As for the interviews you can maybe just say you are going shopping. Or meeting a girl friend.

Or if you could frame it in a way that getting the job seems good for him. Eg: part time travel agent = money off flights.

But be aware that if you get a job whilst still living with him though, he will probably try to sabotage it.

You could also look into renting a room from someone on sites like spareroom instead of a full house. Plenty of ppl looking for lodgers for much less than renting a place if your own would cost.

And - is there anything you could sell that he wouldn't miss?

Are you the same poster that has to go to bed at a certain time, and sit with him while he works on a Sunday (you're not allowed to look at your phone or watch tv during this time)?

@Wrotten Just coming to ask the exact same question.

The one who was accepted to do a degree and then quit because her husband didn't like it.

@Wrotten @SortingItOut No, that wasn't me

He sounds awful

This was me tip toeing around my ex few years back
The bastard went on to try to kill me
This is exactly how these men operate

Please be careful

You need to get out of that situation.
Don't let him know , leaving is the most dangerous time. You don't owe him an explanation or anything just get to safety.
Women's aid will keep you right.

People with adhd are susceptible to abuse for lots of reasons. There is a lot of support online, especially FB groups. The more you're scared or worried, the more easily you'll make mistakes. Seek help.

Do you find that being screamed and shouted at, and spoken to in a threatening manner is helpful for your work productivity?

But his objective isn't to help her work productively...

He wants to keep her on edge, walking on eggshells, ensure that she never feels safe.

I totally get how you feel OP, almost identical situation except we are abroad at moment so all my stuff is here and expensive to get it back— I too get shouted at and spoke to like some kind of minion — I would advise any woman on here not to work in business with their husband/partner— if it all goes wrong it’s a very awkward position to be in— saving grace on
My part is I control the income so always would have access to some

@Crikeyalmighty

I totally get how you feel OP, almost identical situation except we are abroad at moment so all my stuff is here and expensive to get it back— I too get shouted at and spoke to like some kind of minion — I would advise any woman on here not to work in business with their husband/partner— if it all goes wrong it’s a very awkward position to be in— saving grace on My part is I control the income so always would have access to some

If anyone ever told me they were thinking of working with their partner I'd honestly tell them not to as well.

I have been doing some reading and spoke to the helpline someone linked for me, and they told me that actually it is a massive red flag when women work with/for their partners. Obviously it's not true of everybody in business with theirs, but it kind of shocked me a little bit.

We set up our business together, we have different roles that should be equal but somehow he very quickly became "the boss" and I often feel as small and insignifcant and silly as when I did my first work experience at Uni.

I hope you're okay and can figure out a way to get home if that's what you want

and they told me that actually it is a massive red flag when women work with/for their partners.

Yes it is - immediate alarm bells. Obviously with other factors combined, not in and of itself. It's very common, you're now isolated and your life gets smaller and smaller.

Well done for chatting to the helpline OP. Huge strides already. I hope they gave you lots of useful info on next steps.