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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why does my male colleague do this?

35 replies

okkkkk · 06/06/2021 22:01

I work in a team of 10 people, we are all around the same age (mid 20s). I have a male colleague who is really nice but I think he does treat me differently to our other colleagues.

One example is when we had our assessments with our manager he specifically said in front of everyone (including our manager) in a meeting that I was ready for my assessment and that I was doing really well (I definitely wasn't doing well as I was still really new and still being trained - at first I thought he was trying to sabotage me but I now understand through subsequent conversations that he genuinely thought I was doing well). Another time, I was training a new colleague and he told them I'm great and they will learn a lot by working with me. In the break room if ever there are treats brought in by our manager and I don't grab one as I sit down he will come and bring me them and will always check whether I've had any to make sure they don't all go before I have had the chance to have some (not in a controlling way, just in a nice way). He is always making sure I take all of my breaks. All nice things.

He has recently had a promotion so now is more senior and he moved departments. He came over and told my supervisor how lucky she is to have me in her team and how great I am completely out of the blue. He has done this a couple of times now. There was also a period of a few weeks where my workload was doubled as my colleague was absent and there was no cover. I was doing fine but struggled to take all of my breaks and he noticed and when I said it's fine, it's just a temporary busy period and I don't mind he raised it in a meeting with the managers to ensure that it didn't happen to me again.

I can't tell if he's just being nice or whether there is more to it.

OP posts:
carlywurly · 06/06/2021 22:09

He just sounds like a nice chap to me. Nothing sounds untoward.

Do you want there to be more to it?

coronaway · 06/06/2021 22:32

I'd say he fancies you.

Icanflyhigh · 06/06/2021 22:53

Sounds like a really decent bloke to work with if I'm honest.

TooTiredForToday · 06/06/2021 22:54

He sounds nice and like he admires you and wants you to do well.

Do you fancy him and want to know if he fancies you back?

Junebean9 · 06/06/2021 22:55

He sounds lovely. Do you fancy him?

BelleClapper · 06/06/2021 22:58

If he’s singling you out like this it’s a few options.

You’re really good at your job and he’s picked up on it.

He fancies you.

He’s setting you up to fail

(I don’t believe the last one but I bet you’ll get some posts suggesting it)

Or he might be this nice to everyone and you haven’t noticed.

okkkkk · 06/06/2021 23:17

Initially I thought he must be setting me up to fail as I was nervous and it was my first week when he started saying all of this. Then we became closer and I got to know him and he brought up how well I did on my first week and I was like really??? I was a nervous wreck.

Now I am more confident in my role I do now think his compliments are genuine as I do work hard but I am kind of quiet so a lot of it goes unnoticed.

He is genuinely lovely and really nice to everyone. I have watched him with other colleagues and he is just as nice to them but he doesn't 'check up' on them if that makes sense - e.g. he wouldn't make sure that they had some of the treats in the staff room. He also wouldn't bring them up to managers several times like he has with me. Last week he told my supervisor he wishes they could move me to his department.

OP posts:
MushMonster · 06/06/2021 23:29

To me it sounds like he really fancies you and is the protective/ attentive kind.
He sounds great!
But if you ever get into a relationship with him, you will need to address the behaviour regarding management. To check up that you are ok and had one of the treats is sweet! To go around promoting you, specially if you become an item, will most likely backfire.
I would be tempted to have a convo with him thanking him for the compliments regarding your work, but if he could please not do so in front of your manager/ team, as to avoid it looking like favouritism, now that he has been promoted.

mrscoxaools · 07/06/2021 00:12

Sounds a bit creepy to me, or he has a crush on you?

mrscoxaools · 07/06/2021 00:12

Or both?!?

Cissyandflora · 07/06/2021 00:16

I thought this must be a dream you were having.

okkkkk · 07/06/2021 00:17

Another thing he did was I wore my hair in a slightly different way and he immediately noticed it and mentioned it. However, two of my female colleagues also brought it up that day so I think it must have looked more different than I expected.

We also have a little inside joke between us and he constantly brings it up whenever he walks past me. The joke has kind of done its time so it feels like he brings it up just to have a conversation starter.

OP posts:
okkkkk · 07/06/2021 00:20

@MushMonster I definitely agree . He doesn't have the ability to promote me and so far I think the comments to my supervisor and manager have been appropriate and professional so far to an extent but it's something I am conscious of.

@mrscoxaools I really don't get any kind of creepy feelings from him. He is well-liked and confident and very light hearted and playful about things rather than creepy.

@Cissyandflora What do you mean?

OP posts:
SpacePotato · 07/06/2021 00:23

Does sound like he fancies you.
He'll be fine with you until you reject him.

NightoftheLivingBread · 07/06/2021 00:29

Do you fancy him OP? Is that why you’re asking what we think? Smile

He sounds nice.

AlmostSummer21 · 07/06/2021 00:29

He's either got a thing for you or really does just think you're great to work with, good at your job. What do you want it to be?

IdblowJonSnow · 07/06/2021 00:32

He fancies you.
Do you fancy him in return?

Ledmeknow · 07/06/2021 00:33

I feel really torn. My partner and I have two kids. We have a small house together with interest only mortgage. I remortgaged my first flat and we paid half each to the deposit. Our kids are now teens and he is a good dad. The issue is money, he earns a high wage and resents my low wage job as nurse associate. He will not move to a repayment mortgage despite earning 5 x more than me. We have gone half and half though the years. Now he keeps a frugal budget and is doing stocks and shares everyday. I think this becoming obsessive. I am not struggling but feel angry he wont talk about money. We have a shared account for the house which is always in the red despite the fact we could live without being so frugal. I am worried he is saving up to leave, but he say he is not. My family think he is mean, I wonder if he has met someone else?

Checkingout811 · 07/06/2021 00:33

He sounds like he fancies you but also a really decent man to work with.
Makes a nice change to read this thread when it seems there’s a lot of chauvinistic bullying in a lot of work places.

Rangoon · 07/06/2021 03:27

I am a female. I have championed one of my team to management because he is great at the job, I want to keep him in my team and he was seriously underpaid before I intervened. Our jobs mean that I would spend a lot of time with him. If he works for other people I might check how he is going. I have absolutely no untoward intentions but I don't secure any snacks for him.

PhilCornwall1 · 07/06/2021 05:53

I have championed one of my team to management because he is great at the job,

Exactly. I've done the same for a colleague recently, as she really is bloody good at her job, better than the others and quietly gets on with the job.

There are more then enough below average people banging their own "look at me, look how good I am" drum. The problem with that is, depending on the company, that shit can suddenly be believed and the high quality people that quietly get on can get overlooked.

Regardless of someone being male or female, if they are shit hot at what they do, I'll tell people that count in the organisation and I'm in a position to do it.

ApolloandDaphne · 07/06/2021 06:22

I suspect he fancies you.

20viona · 07/06/2021 06:29

Have more confidence he seems like a nice bloke.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/06/2021 06:32

@Ledmeknow

I feel really torn. My partner and I have two kids. We have a small house together with interest only mortgage. I remortgaged my first flat and we paid half each to the deposit. Our kids are now teens and he is a good dad. The issue is money, he earns a high wage and resents my low wage job as nurse associate. He will not move to a repayment mortgage despite earning 5 x more than me. We have gone half and half though the years. Now he keeps a frugal budget and is doing stocks and shares everyday. I think this becoming obsessive. I am not struggling but feel angry he wont talk about money. We have a shared account for the house which is always in the red despite the fact we could live without being so frugal. I am worried he is saving up to leave, but he say he is not. My family think he is mean, I wonder if he has met someone else?
You’ve accidentally posted in someone’s thread rather than starting your own. Your dp is bonkers not to go onto repayment if he can afford to do so. You can just pay off extra every month. Look at the contract. It’s usually up to 10% without penalties if you’re in a fixed term period.
Mummyoflittledragon · 07/06/2021 06:34

And back to the op. This guy sounds nice. Maybe he fancies you or maybe he’s aware that a lot of what you do is invisible and is trying to bolster you into asserting yourself in the company. Why don’t you go for a coffee with him or ask him to talk about you over lunch?

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