Should we split up?

[QuestioningEverythiing]

I just don't know what to do anymore. Opinions would be appreciated.

DH and I are in our early forties, we have a toddler DD. We both work full-time from home (for now, anyway, although we'll return to the office two days a week) while DD is at nursery. We are incredibly lucky in so many ways - our DD was a result of IVF, we have no financial worries at the moment, we live comfortably. There are no real stresses.

DH is a kind, gentle, wonderful man. He couldn't be a better dad. However, as much I care about him, I don't think I'm in love with him anymore. I can't even call him my best friend as we're not close. At best I could say we're excellent partners - in sync with parenting, house admin, daily life. We're a good team.

But there's no sex, no spark, no passion. We've talked about it and both of us would like to become physically and emotionally close again, but counselling was useless so we gave up, and there's nothing wrong with either of us medically in terms of libido etc.

The upshot is, we live together, and have a good life, but neither of us is really motivated to make an effort to get our relationship back on track. Personally, I'd quite happily be single - if we do separate, I won't be looking for a new partner - I wouldn't care if I never have sex again, I just feel like I'd be happy to live by myself with joint custody of DD.

Am I crazy? I have the kind of man that some of my single friends would kill for. And I'm considering throwing it all away.

Hi - we're still together, but nothing has changed. I arranged a babysitter and we went to a friend's party one night, which was fun but actually we didn't spend much time together, the men and women seemed to separate off! However, I've arranged for my sister to fly over to us for a week next month to look after DD so that DH and I can go on holiday together. It's a bit of a last-chance-saloon, I think.

Do you feel like you're doing the running in terms of trying to save your relationship? I notice you booked the babysitter. Might it help if for one month you delegate this to him, and ask him to come up with two or three child free things for you both to do? Hopefully the holiday might help you both reconnect, as it does sound like even though you're both drowning in parenthood and chores, there is a very strong, loving relationship underneath that just needs time to appear.

Regarding the sex life, do you subscribe to the theory of responsive desire and/or love languages? Not everyone believes this, but reading up on this and adjusting my behaviour accordingly (I'm the man in this situation) helped me see things from my OHs perspective more

This is how it is for me or was for me before I gave up - me booking things and suggesting things with no input from him, which made me feel unwanted.

I hope it works for you and any changes stay after the holiday too.

I am not sure one off events - like a trip - have the ability to magically change a relationship. It takes time and small steps.
In a way - from your earlier posts it’s unclear what you actually want.
You say you wouldn’t want another relationship and not bothered about sex in general. You have a partnership-like relationship without sex. And a small child that benefits from a stable home.
What will change for the better for you and your child if you split up?
In your place - before I do anything - I’d actually try to understand better what kind of life I need and want.

As to your description of the relationship - it’s not an unusual story. Getting together, having a small child - it quicky moves relationship from romantic/passionate to a more domestic/chores/routines kind.
And being stuck at home, and working from home for years on end - really does affect the dynamic. I think it’s nearly impossible to maintain a level of attraction and excitement about anyone if you are constantly together and barely go anywhere and see other people.
We need a break from our partners to recharge and have our own independent lives.
If that aspect of your life hasn’t changed and you are both still at home most of the time - I don’t think anything will change. Certainly not after one trip.