Should we split up?

[QuestioningEverythiing]

I just don't know what to do anymore. Opinions would be appreciated.

DH and I are in our early forties, we have a toddler DD. We both work full-time from home (for now, anyway, although we'll return to the office two days a week) while DD is at nursery. We are incredibly lucky in so many ways - our DD was a result of IVF, we have no financial worries at the moment, we live comfortably. There are no real stresses.

DH is a kind, gentle, wonderful man. He couldn't be a better dad. However, as much I care about him, I don't think I'm in love with him anymore. I can't even call him my best friend as we're not close. At best I could say we're excellent partners - in sync with parenting, house admin, daily life. We're a good team.

But there's no sex, no spark, no passion. We've talked about it and both of us would like to become physically and emotionally close again, but counselling was useless so we gave up, and there's nothing wrong with either of us medically in terms of libido etc.

The upshot is, we live together, and have a good life, but neither of us is really motivated to make an effort to get our relationship back on track. Personally, I'd quite happily be single - if we do separate, I won't be looking for a new partner - I wouldn't care if I never have sex again, I just feel like I'd be happy to live by myself with joint custody of DD.

Am I crazy? I have the kind of man that some of my single friends would kill for. And I'm considering throwing it all away.

Have you spoken to him about feeling this way? He may not know that it's serious enough that you are considering leaving. Honestly I don't think anyone can decide for you, it's tricky as stability is important especially when you have a kid. But if you don't feel the spark it really is rough

I’ll be watching this thread with interest as my wife and I are in a very similar position. I often wonder if this is how it should be, if this is the norm? I’d hate to be another divorce statistic but I’m not looking for greener grass, like you op, I’d be quite happily single - perhaps this is the problem?

Do you ever do anything together out of the home without your dd?
Makes a massive difference ime.
Seeing each other just in a parenting role isn't always enough to sustain a personal relationship..
Imo.

Yes, @JennyinWales, we've talked about it a few times and I think he largely feels the same as me, in terms of inertia and lack of motivation to improve things, although he does say he doesn't want to split up. We always end up in a situation where the conversation tails off (because there's no solution) and practical things take over again.

Were you ever in love with him? If so what changed?

Also, what do you mean by in love exactly?...

• 'in lust' - to fancy someone sexually, can be anything from quite mild all the way up to a heady overwhelming feeling, commonly experienced near the beginnings of relationships, fades for some people
• loving as a friend - someone you feel great affection for
• showing love to - love as an action, not a feeling. This requires continual work and input.

My experience has been that putting more effort into showing love (actions, words, thoughts, touching) leads to more of the 'in lust' feelings. With the right person obviously! But I'm guessing you had 'in lust' feelings at some point, to some extent? So it should be possible to get it back?

I would fight tooth and nail for a relationship like this, in your shoes. Try a different counsellor? Can you deliberately show more love to your DH? And he to you?

Sorry if I'm preaching to the converted!

@HelloMrBond I'm starting to wonder if it's really common too. Where you get comfortable and accept that you work well as a family unit but there's not much more to it. Is this why people have open marriages, maybe? The ones that want the spark/passion/sex, anyway.

We don't get to go out, @Aprilwasverywet - we've discussed whether that's part of the problem, but if I'm painfully honest I would see it as a bit of a chore . . . I feel ambivalent. I also think we'd just talk about DD or things that need doing in the house.

I think you could be right about needing to show love more, @FeistySheep - we've fallen out of the habit of cuddling up on the sofa, touching each other, even basic affection, never mind sex. Physically, there's definitely a gulf between us now.

I'm not sure we were ever in lust - I've never been in lust, I don't have a high sex drive, my urges are minimal to say the least - but I absolutely loved (love?) him and craved his company and affection for several years (we've only been together for six years altogether).

I should be fighting, shouldn't I? It just feels like I'd be faking it . . .

Yes, I think what you describe sounds like 'in lust', so you can definitely get it back! You're right that all those caring touches are so important. Can you start small if it feels weird, and build up?

Imo it's easier to stay wrapped up in dc than maintain a marriage...

That's encouraging, @FeistySheep . . . I will try. I know it will feel weird. But I think DH will welcome and appreciate it (realising that he will makes me feel a bit sad . . . ) Okay. That's something positive I can do; thank you.

@Aprilwasverywet you're so right. I wonder where we'd be if we didn't have DD. But then again, has the drudgery of a covid maternity leave and lack of opportunity to maintain a fun relationship outside the house contributed to this? Quite possibly.

"I just feel like I'd be happy to live by myself with joint custody of DD."
It could be your having what I would call a closed thought. In that your thinking "What if you left him"
Turn the question around and ask yourself, What if he left you today.
Girl- I found someone else - I'm leaving you.
How would you feel ?
It could be you just need to work at it to reconnect.
Marriage as I'm sure you know does need an element of work.
Perhaps Covid has had a negative effect.
"DH is a kind, gentle, wonderful man. He couldn't be a better dad. However, as much I care about him, I don't think I'm in love with him anymore. I can't even call him my best friend as we're not close. At best I could say we're excellent partners - in sync with parenting, house admin, daily life. We're a good team."
I wouldn't rush anything. Tread carefully.
Most importantly talk about it.
Did I say... Most importantly talk about it.

I did turn it around, @Objectiveman - in fact, I've played several scenarios over in my head to try to provoke a reaction that could give me direction on how I'm feeling - one of them was, how would I feel if he sat me down and told me that he had feelings for someone else and was leaving me.

The worrying thing is, I'm not sure I would be devastated. I think I'd be sad that DD wouldn't have her parents together anymore, and I'd be sad that he hid a burgeoning relationship from me and probably a bit angry if he'd cheated due to the deception involved. But I'd be okay. I'd work on the practicalities.

[quote QuestioningEverythiing]@HelloMrBond I'm starting to wonder if it's really common too. Where you get comfortable and accept that you work well as a family unit but there's not much more to it. Is this why people have open marriages, maybe? The ones that want the spark/passion/sex, anyway.[/quote]
I think you’ve hit the nail on the head there in terms of working as a family unit. I suppose it’s easy for the spark to be suppressed when busy work lives and children are brought to the fore. Quite understandably I think that we try to put these practicalities of life ahead of (what can be seen to be) selfish happiness? I’m not sure I know the answers, there certainly isn’t a magic cure. All I can suggest is to keep on trying, although in my experience the harder I try, the more I feel communication breaks down.

While you may choose to stay single would your ex?

I'm not sure we were ever in lust - I've never been in lust, I don't have a high sex drive, my urges are minimal to say the least - but I absolutely loved (love?) him and craved his company and affection for several years (we've only been together for six years altogether).
It does seem a short time to go from loving and craving to total boredom and not being bothered to do anything about it. If you had settled with him as you wanted a child, it would be logical for you to be bored - but if you really had feelings for him until recently, it sounds more like the change in circumstances have worked against you, and it might improve if you made the effort. Perhaps you need to see him in a different light again.

@Aprilwasverywet I think he's similar to me - he said he wouldn't be looking for someone else. I think he'd definitely find someone though, he's handsome and a lovely person.

@ravenmum - i think you're right, I need to see him in a different light. The problem is, what I'd find attractive in him right now would be for him to show a bit of fire, a bit of passion, and that's just not him. He's very calm, relaxed, go with the flow.

Objectively and subjectively I think he's a great DH and father, he ticks all the "boxes" that people often have, I just feel that we don't have a relationship beyond running a home and family together.

How about planning date nights once a week, get DD to bed, get dressed up, set the table, cook together, just enjoy each others company. Reminisce about when you first met. Make it a regular evening just for the two of you.

Your feelings may change when he is playing happy families with a new gf and your dc and you realise you chose that life for you all..

If you don't want anyone else and get along OK, why do you want to leave? I could understand leaving if you wanted to meet someone else, or if the atmosphere was toxic. Maybe you're just in a rut at the moment due to lockdown etc. Also having a new baby can change things. Do as pp said and hold hands when you're out, cuddle up and watch TV, have a date night at home. Just alter things slightly. Doesn't have to lead to sex, just try to rebuild closeness x

We did try that, @Laurie01 - it felt a bit forced, and fizzled out. Possibly because we're so knackered at the end of the day that we'd both prefer to collapse on the sofa. Agree that we need to spend some time together, just the two of us, but we've no childcare other than daytime nursery when we're working so it's tricky.

Totally agree, @Aprilwasverywet - that's a big fear. That I won't appreciate what I have until it's gone. Could be the biggest mistake of my life.

@RedBonnet I think it's not that I WANT to leave, more that I look at the state of our relationship and think I SHOULD leave, because basically we don't have a relationship, we have a working partnership! And no real drive to improve things either. I keep thinking "things will improve when x,y,z happens . . . " but of course without either of us making an effort, nothing will change.

I need to take action; I know I do. We have to stop living separate lives and start remembering why we got together in the first place.

Maybe ask some friends round for a barbecue, have a laugh - so you get to see him as he is in company again, rather than the usual dull old at-home him?
Watch a really good film about an emotional topic together, to get yourself in a more philosophical mood, then sit with a glass of wine and talk about it?
Go out somewhere with good music and an atmosphere. To stop being tired in the evening, you really do need to do something that involves your heartbeat being higher than the level when you sleep...

Why haven't you got any childcare? What's stopping you from organising it?

Would he want to fight for your relationship? Do you think he'd he up for some couple therapy?

i know this is an old thread but I would love to know what you decided to do, how things are now and ultimately if you’re happy? I’m in exactly the same position now - he has become like my best friend, no physical attraction there, I feel like o could be happier on my own but knowing how good we used to be and breaking up the family unit for my child really scares me and stops me making that decision.

Me and my partner went through a stage like you, and he said its like living with a housemate. But it boiled down to neither of us wanted to leave and we loved each other.

It was weird to begin with, but I had to make a conscious effort to be more affectionate. Just putting a hand on his knee whilst watching TV, or cuddling up more, and he did the same. And now it's just natural, even if we're on opposite ends of the sofa he will rest a foot on mine. It took work. It felt odd but now we're really close.

I think children and life can play a massive role in feeling disconnected.