Being left out of dad's death completely. Need closure

[nevernotstruggling]

I went no contact with my dad in 07 after he assaulted a waitress in a hotel. Long history of horrendous dv against my mum when I was little. After I had the dc I couldn't go back I didn't want them to have to cope with him.

In 17 an old neighbour told us his house had been sold. I texted my sister who replied saying 'he died in aug 16 I wrote to you...' I didn't get a letter and I'd had the same phone number 20 years. Various paternal family had me on sm. no one contacted me.

We were talking about family photos the other day and I realised there were mountains of slides in his house of my childhood. I was never asked if I wanted anything.

I have no idea how or where he died. I can't bear to ask my sister her behaviour has hurt me so much. I don't know where he's buried or if he was cremated etc etc.

My niece visited me in 19 and it wasn't ever brought up like it's a big family secret.

I would like to find out some information without going through my sisters. Dp did some Googling with me but we didn't find anything. Not even sure what I'm looking for really.

I think your first stop would be to find his death certificate. I don't know if this can be done online or if you have to go to the records office.then you will have place and cause of death to work from.
I'm so sorry. I hope you get the answers you're looking for.

Any other sibling / relative you could ask, other than your sister?

Probably going to be a lot quicker and take up less of your time just to ask, find out and move on. Don't forget you had good reason to remove yourself from anything to do with him.

@JustCallMeJulia

Any other sibling / relative you could ask, other than your sister?

Probably going to be a lot quicker and take up less of your time just to ask, find out and move on. Don't forget you had good reason to remove yourself from anything to do with him.

I know but I can't open that box right now. My eldest sister knew why I was no contact as she came to see me in about 2008 then nothing

This may sound weird, but is it worth asking a private detective to dig up some information for you? I have no idea what the charge might be but you could get a quote and then you'd have another option to consider.

You have the month and year of his death; it may well be worth going to the library to search the notices put in local newspapers for the area where he lived.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

You have the month and year of his death; it may well be worth going to the library to search the notices put in local newspapers for the area where he lived.

I tried that already. He might have died in Croatia where his wife was from for all I know.

Are you sure she’s telling the truth? If no one has mentioned it to you, my first thought was that maybe he’s not dead?

The solicitor who handled the sale of the property would have a copy if the death certificate and the will.

People are probably hesitant to bring it up as you were nc for such a long time and they don’t want to upset you. Maybe speak to someone a bit more removed than a sibling who you have a good relationship with and just explain you found out through the grapevine and while you don’t want to get dragged into anything you would like to know some specifics for peace of mind.

I am sorry but I do not understand why no one is saying this. I may well get flamed for it but You chose to have no connection/contact with him and it’s something you should have considered when making that decision back then. Your family chose to respect your decision so its not them you should be frustrated with.

The only people that you can ask is your family. Put your big girl pants on and go back to them and ask directly instead of beating around the bush.

Surely this is part of being NC? Your family knew why you went NC so that probably explains them not telling you. I've been NC with my father's family almost 20 years and haven't a clue if they are dead or alive. I'm not the least interested either way. I got full closure the day I went NC because they all became dead to me that day anyway.

Do you regret not being in contact with him, is that why you are feeling this way?

You were NC. How could your family have assumed you would want to know anything about him.

And tbh, as harsh as this sounds, your sister might feel that you now want to play the grieving daughter having wanted nothing to do with him while he was alive.

I know that if a family member of mine was NC with someone else in the family I wouldn’t be overly impressed if they then started expecting information once they’d died.

This is one of the reason why IMO NC needs to be done with extreme caution. Because if you go NC then you can never get that back.

Come on, is it really unrealistic to expect to be told when and how a death occurred?
not to have a part in funeral proceedings etc, but the basic facts of death shouldn’t be actively hidden for years.
I think the op’s family have wanted to punish her by hiding the information from her.
That it happened years ago now makes it harder for the op to deal with.

When my dad passed away his daughter had been nc for about ten years. She had her reasons and we respected that. Our dad wasn't an easy person and had done some awful things. She also nc with us at the same time really. We didn't have a clue how to contact her when dad became unwell. In his final days he expressly said he didn't want her at his funeral, and we weren't to try find her (even if we could).

Few years later she found out he'd passed away via an old friend of his. She contacted us very upset at not being told. We felt bad at having to tell her he didn't want her to know it to attend his funeral. So we just told her we tried but couldn't find her.

Wonder if it's the same in your family and they don't want to hurt your feelings.

It's the price you pay for going no contact I feel. You're effectively cutting them out of your life at that point.

I really feel for you and went through something very similar myself. I got information through other family members and the local paper. The worst part for me was not being given the choice to see him at the end.

NC means no contact, not no care. You can still love the person and grieve for them when they die. NC is to protect yourself from their damaging behaviours but it doesn't mean you don't still hope on some level that they'll change and the relationship can be restored. When it's a parent it's still devasting when they die.

Op I really feel for you but this is the downside of no contact and the risk you take.

I went NC with my father 31 years ago...he was 42 at the time, and a heavy smoker. There's a good chance he's probably dead...but I accepted a long time ago that I wouldn't find out when it happened.

My mother went NC with her immediate family about 20 years ago. Since then 3 of her brothers have died, she didn't find out about any of them to be able to attend funerals, etc. She has no landline, no internet, is not on social media, and her family don't know her address (even though she's in the same city). She found out by running into a a cousin she hadn't seen in 30 years. She was upset about it all, but as I told her, how were they going to be able to tell her anyway?

OP, What would it give you finding out?
Just trying to understand.

I was NC with my own dad. Nothing THAT bad had happened, just my parents divorce and my dad becoming an unreliable alcoholic - it was easier not to bother (and he wasn't interested in staying in touch either).
I found out about his passing a year after his death. I don't know the exact date or anything else regarding his death. I'd come to terms with him being out of my life long, long time ago. The only thing I felt was... Nothing. So I reflected on that nothing for a bit. I suppose I don't see love, interest or care as completely unconditional... Does he deserve you caring?

that's awful.
you'd been nc for 14 years and i bet a lot happened in that time, apart from death, that you weren't aware of either. i'm really sorry that you feel the way you're feeling about it. it's still like a punch if you've not totally dealt with the nc-ness of it all. and you probably still expected to be told. that's awful (could harp on about what i wasn't told about in the early nc situation but you'll be glad to know i won't!)

it's tough when that happens. i've been nc with family for nearly 20 years and i have no idea what's going on and ignorance is bliss for me. i google occasionally to see if the narcissist that was my mother has died but no such joy

You can look up wills and probate here and order a copy
probatesearch.service.gov.uk/#wills

If you were no contact all that time its not surprising nobody got in touch with you. Maybe he requested them not to. If he died in this country it shouldnt be too difficult to trace a death certificate. If he died in Croatia I would think that would be difficult. If it was me and I wanted to know I'd just contact my sister and take the chance she might say get lost.

@SummerWillow

You can look up wills and probate here and order a copy probatesearch.service.gov.uk/#wills

Thank you so much! He's not on the list. This is getting weird

@willsa

OP, What would it give you finding out? Just trying to understand.

I was NC with my own dad. Nothing THAT bad had happened, just my parents divorce and my dad becoming an unreliable alcoholic - it was easier not to bother (and he wasn't interested in staying in touch either).
I found out about his passing a year after his death. I don't know the exact date or anything else regarding his death. I'd come to terms with him being out of my life long, long time ago. The only thing I felt was... Nothing. So I reflected on that nothing for a bit. I suppose I don't see love, interest or care as completely unconditional... Does he deserve you caring?

Thank you for this list it meant a lot. He really doesn't deserve me caring. I guess it's not about him it's about the parts of me which are so inaccessible now. There's about 10 pictures of me as a child in existence. I suppose that's more that some.