Page 2 | Being left out of dad's death completely. Need closure

nevernotstruggling · 2021-06-06T08:28:43+00:00

I went no contact with my dad in 07 after he assaulted a waitress in a hotel. Long history of horrendous dv against my mum when I was little. After I had the dc I couldn't go back I didn't want them to have to cope with him. In 17 an old neighbour told us his house had been sold. I texted my sister who replied saying 'he died in aug 16 I wrote to you...' I didn't get a letter and I'd had the same phone number 20 years. Various paternal family had me on sm. no one contacted me. We were talking about family photos the other day and I realised there were mountains of slides in his house of my childhood. I was never asked if I wanted anything. I have no idea how or where he died. I can't bear to ask my sister her behaviour has hurt me so much. I don't know where he's buried or if he was cremated etc etc. My niece visited me in 19 and it wasn't ever brought up like it's a big family secret. I would like to find out some information without going through my sisters. Dp did some Googling with me but we didn't find anything. Not even sure what I'm looking for really.

BarbarianMum · 06/06/2021 22:34

This is what NC is. You didnt want to be part of his life (for good reason it sounds like) so you have lost your right to be part of his death.

LIZS · 06/06/2021 22:35

Check probate for year either side too, in case it took a while to process.

Original poster

nevernotstruggling · 06/06/2021 22:39

@LIZS

Check probate for year either side too, in case it took a while to process.

I tried that still nothing. He 100% had a will I know that. I'm not wondering if there's anything for me though - really not interested

OP posts:

NightoftheLivingBread · 06/06/2021 22:47

@Norwolf

I am sorry but I do not understand why no one is saying this. I may well get flamed for it but You chose to have no connection/contact with him and it’s something you should have considered when making that decision back then. Your family chose to respect your decision so its not them you should be frustrated with.

The only people that you can ask is your family. Put your big girl pants on and go back to them and ask directly instead of beating around the bush.

No way that’s just nonsense. Although OP had to remove him from her life because he was violent, it us no less strange and shocking that no-one bothered to let her know he had died and give her details of the funeral.

Icanflyhigh · 06/06/2021 22:51

So is it possible that he isn't actually dead?

CarrieMoonbeams · 06/06/2021 23:00

I checked my dad's death on that probate link, and he's not on it either. He died in 2018.

I hope you find what you're looking for OP

JamieFrasersAuntie · 06/06/2021 23:20

There was a similar thread on here a while ago and the amount of people who had gone nc who thought they should be informed of the death or ill health of a relative was unbelievable. Many felt that they should have had the choice to visit the ill person in hospital regardless of how the ill person felt about it.

I'm dealing with something awkward at the moment. A relative went nc with me several years ago. I was very upset but had to accept it. Unfortunately I have some serious health issues and the relative has made phone calls to family members wanting to know private medical information and suggesting visiting.

I do not want this. In fact I never want to see this person again. I am not well and I don't need to be around people who have cut me out for years. I don't care that they're upset or that they want to be involved. I don't want them involved.

When someone goes nc with you it is very painful, it's like a bereavement. They are here but they are not. You are not to know anything about them or ask after them. You can either grieve indefinitely or accept it and I've had to accept it.

The idea of this person visiting or gaining medical information feels incredibly violating. While it was your choice to go nc with your dad he also had choices and it seems that he communicated to the rest of the family that he did not want you involved. You should respect that.

Original poster

nevernotstruggling · 06/06/2021 23:21

@CarrieMoonbeams

I checked my dad's death on that probate link, and he's not on it either. He died in 2018.

I hope you find what you're looking for OP

I searched my grandmother who had a will that went through probate as I was left something an received it. She's not on that list either she died in 2000

OP posts:

NightoftheLivingBread · 06/06/2021 23:56

@JamieFrasersAuntie

There was a similar thread on here a while ago and the amount of people who had gone nc who thought they should be informed of the death or ill health of a relative was unbelievable. Many felt that they should have had the choice to visit the ill person in hospital regardless of how the ill person felt about it.

I'm dealing with something awkward at the moment. A relative went nc with me several years ago. I was very upset but had to accept it. Unfortunately I have some serious health issues and the relative has made phone calls to family members wanting to know private medical information and suggesting visiting.

I do not want this. In fact I never want to see this person again. I am not well and I don't need to be around people who have cut me out for years. I don't care that they're upset or that they want to be involved. I don't want them involved.

When someone goes nc with you it is very painful, it's like a bereavement. They are here but they are not. You are not to know anything about them or ask after them. You can either grieve indefinitely or accept it and I've had to accept it.

The idea of this person visiting or gaining medical information feels incredibly violating. While it was your choice to go nc with your dad he also had choices and it seems that he communicated to the rest of the family that he did not want you involved. You should respect that.

Sorry to hear about your situation and wish you a speedy recovery.

I hear what you are saying here, but to hide from her that he’d died?

sammylady37 · 07/06/2021 08:30

This is the reality of going NC. You don’t get to cherry pick which bits you’ll be there for or want to know about. You were NC for many many years. Your father had to cope with that and he had the right to make decisions based on that. As someone else said, it’s very likely he actively decided he did not want you involved or informed in any way and gave instructions to that effect. I have gone NC with a sister. I accept that that means I will have no right to swan in and ‘say goodbye’ or ‘see her at the end’ to soothe my conscience or make me feel better in anyway. I have also left explicit instructions in my enduring power of attorney that I do not want her visiting me at any stage of my life or death. I don’t care if that’s what she wants, the thought of her visiting and shedding crocodile tears when I’m on my death bed and unaware of her presence is repulsive to me, so I’ve set out that it is not to happen.

You don’t get to inflict your decision to go NC on somebody and then get to ride in and get involved when you choose to, they get the choice about allowing you back or not.

ShowMeHow · 07/06/2021 14:40

I’m in a similar situation.

I guess for me closure was needed when the relationship broke down - a long and damaging process. He would never explain himself and continued to gather followers and generate anger towards me to the end. No one had any logic to explain but the anger towards me remains palpable from the other relatives. My grieving was done concurrently as I lost him then each and every other relationship one by one… Things were not really settled down when he died, though. I have no details I don’t need anymore information as I have no connections left.

For me more details would undo the journey travelled.

KeziaOAP · 07/06/2021 16:03

Found will of a relative who died in 2010. On the Gov site above look under Wills and Probate 1996 to present click advanced search. Hope this helps.