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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

When your exH splits with OW after years how did you feel? And did he try to crawl back?

45 replies

karmaticadramatica · 06/06/2021 08:04

NC for this.
My exh who was is a nasty, abusive man has in the last month split from his partner who was the OW. He is very woe is me and has gone running back to his parents, which is where he went when he left me as OW was still living with the father of her kids. It was messy then and it's even messier now as more kids involved.

If similar happened to you, how did you feel?
Part of me feels quite sorry for him but then I remember how he's tried to destroy me both in the marriage and since and part of me thinks serves you right for the hell you put me and our dc through. Now our dc have to get through another relationship breakdown and he's not emotionally able to support them so it's down to me again. He has dc with his most recent ex and she has several children from her original relationship and they are all very close.

It's a huge mess and my sympathies lie with all the children but he's been sending me odd messages about how he's feeling and talking about memories from our relationship and marriage as though he's having a big navel-gaze into how he's buggered up his life and obviously wants my sympathy. 40 and moving back in with mum and dad after two failed relationships where he has children. He has never lived alone.

He now has nowhere to have our dc during contact time as no room at his mum and dad's and will also have to work out contact for his dc with his now ex. Not my problem of course except for helping my own dc through this. They are young teens and the eldest is still reeling from our break up despite being years ago so this is a really hard on her.

I think I feel quite angry too that he thought the grass was greener, left me, tried to destroy me (accusations of psychosis and abuse), never had a proper home for our dc to go to once he left, didn't prioritise dc over OW, had more dc with her, and now he's back to where he was 9 years ago and can't offer our dc any more stability than he did then.

I'm autistic and that might be contributing to my feelings here but I'm hoping someone can relate.

OP posts:

Umberellatheweatha · 06/06/2021 08:41

I'm sure a lot of women on here can relate op.

Sounds like he is a parasite. And infact I would be quite happy that this will mean he will see less of the children. He doesn't sound like a role model I'd want them around.

I wouldnt be at all surprised if he comes at you with some bs about loving you or how you should forgive him ect... (you can then say 'I can forgive someone for me. But not in a million years does it mean having to date them again').

Read up on narcissistic hoovering tactics (things they do to con you back).

If you are lucky he will still be focussed on her or finding a new supply but if not...he'll absolutely be looking to rinse you for all you have. Your home, your money, your sanity.

Be prepared.

Umberellatheweatha · 06/06/2021 08:45

Oh and, try and keep any contact with him to a minimum. Dont let him into your home. And only reply to messages that are about the kids.

MyOtherProfile · 06/06/2021 08:47

I'd reply and say "this is nothing to do with me. Where are you going to see the children?"

Original poster

karmaticadramatica · 06/06/2021 08:50

Oh he's got absolutely no chance with me. Him leaving was the best thing he ever did for me and I sought a divorce the day he left. It's the children I feel for. He's been looking back at old mementos from our relationship and appears full of regrets. No regrets for how he treated me I'm sure, but regrets that he's been rejected.

OP posts:

PicsInRed · 06/06/2021 08:51

You sound vulnerable to being dragged back for more punishment.

Dua Lipa's New Rules song springs to mind.
🎵
Talkin' in my sleep at night, makin' myself crazy
(Out of my mind, out of my mind)
Wrote it down and read it out, hopin' it would save me
(Too many times, too many times)

My love
He makes me feel like nobody else, nobody else
But, my love
He doesn't love me, so I tell myself, I tell myself

One: Don't pick up the phone
You know he's only callin' 'cause he's drunk and alone
Two: Don't let him in
You have to kick him out again
Three: Don't be his friend
You know you're gonna wake up in his bed in the mornin'
And if you're under him, you ain't gettin' over him
🎵

OP, keep a good safe physical and emotional distance from a charming but vile abuser who is suddenly in want of unpaid, live in domestic assistance.

SmokeyDevil · 06/06/2021 08:52

I'd probably laugh at him and tell him it serves him right. Karma's a bitch etc.

But be prepared, he's already starting to sneak his way back into your life. I doubt his parents are happy he's done the same thing yet again. Abandoned more children. He wants someone to take care of him and he sees you as an easy target.

Tell him you will talk to him about your kids only and you aren't interested in his pathetic love life.

Original poster

karmaticadramatica · 06/06/2021 08:53

Yes, any communication is solely about the children. I was NC with him except via solicitor but CAFCASS have forced me to communicate directly with him so I keep it to what's necessary.

OP posts:

Umberellatheweatha · 06/06/2021 08:55

He probably isnt even looking at any pics. He is just testing to see if you can be hoovered back.

If you appear sorry for him or say you fuss the good times too then you'll be target number 1 to be his victim again.

I agree with pp: 'this is nothing to do with me. What's the plan for where you are meeting the kids on your next day?' (If he says 'can we hang at yours?' You say 'no').

Umberellatheweatha · 06/06/2021 08:56

*you miss the good times too

Original poster

karmaticadramatica · 06/06/2021 09:01

I don't miss anything about him. He's spent the 9 years taking me to court repeatedly and using the court system and social services to further abuse me since he can't get near me physically. I've had a restraining order against him in the past and he would never be permitted inside the house.

OP posts:

PicsInRed · 06/06/2021 09:06

@karmaticadramatica

Good for you, really, these bastards are so difficult to deal with.

Do keep in mind that to HIS mind, nothing would rehabilitate him more than getting back together with you (who will take care of him, job done) and then he can claim he was originally tricked away from you by the terrible OW and now use YOU to attack HER.

This will be his game plan. Stay strong and keep the worst of his relationship and legal manouevres close on paper to read if you ever need reminding of his character and intent.

SuperSugar · 06/06/2021 09:20

I'd feel great. I'd hope that he did her over like he did me and and would love the fact it didn't last. But I'd I now crawling back.

Original poster

karmaticadramatica · 06/06/2021 09:31

I'm amazed it lasted this long but it was all very odd. She joined in with his abuse of me and has caused great upset to my dc so I don't have any feelings towards her except relief she'll no longer be an influence. Or at least not as much as she has been.

OP posts:

PiuVinoPerFavore · 06/06/2021 09:36

I'm glad you sound resolute about keeping him at a distance, he sounds horrible. Ignore all this, other than logistics concerning your kids. You will need all your attention on your kids who sound like they've been through a lot what with restraining order etc and will need you being their support and safe space during another round of turmoil. Good luck OP

SunnySideDownBriefly · 06/06/2021 09:38

I can't believe you have any feelings of sympathy for him or her after all of that! I think what you could be feeling here is what a waste of time the last 9 years have been for everyone - the break-up makes all the pain so pointless and now there will be more heartache to come. That's how I would feel and that comes from my usual logical standpoint! He sounds like an arse that will take anyone down with him. A little emotional and physical distance will do your children good...he can't use them as a crutch and they don't need to hear his bike about his new ex.

MarshmallowAra · 06/06/2021 11:04

He's been looking back at old mementos from our relationship and appears full of regrets

If he had another woman on the go he wouldn't be anywhere near you/contacting you (except to abuse you as you've described above)

.... He's just been caught out this time without a replacement.

Original poster

karmaticadramatica · 06/06/2021 11:34

True. Poor lamb.

OP posts:

SmokeyDevil · 06/06/2021 11:39

@MarshmallowAra

He's been looking back at old mementos from our relationship and appears full of regrets

If he had another woman on the go he wouldn't be anywhere near you/contacting you (except to abuse you as you've described above)

.... He's just been caught out this time without a replacement.

Yep exactly and he sees op as an easy target. Please do not fall for it. You don't deserve to be stuck with that dickhead again. He deserves to be alone and miserable.

Bigbubbles100 · 06/06/2021 11:51

Shame on him!!!! He deserves everything he gets. Your update on him taking you to court repeatedly - honestly, don't have sympathy. He just needs another woman to pick up his shit, and unfortunately this time he doesn't have one lined up which is why he is trying to worm his way back to you. Do what you can to support the kids but he is reaping what he sowed!

BlowDryRat · 06/06/2021 12:12

This happened to me, although exH's latest ex wife wasn't the OW and she left him. My thoughts in order were:

Hahahahahahaha! Horrible man deserves it.
That's another woman and child he's screwed up. Poor [exW]. I hope she's ok.
I need to know how to support the kids. This is another significant adult drastically reducing the space in their lives. How do I ensure they maintain a relationship with her and their half-sibling?

I also felt suddenly insecure and clingy in my own relationship, which was an odd one. I talked to DH about it and he assured me that he isn't going anywhere.

Original poster

karmaticadramatica · 06/06/2021 12:30

I have no sympathy for her at all, only the children involved. I think she has broken up with him rather than he with her. He feels dreadful and needs time he says. Where's that violin?

OP posts:

MarshmallowAra · 06/06/2021 12:32

He deserves to be alone and miserable.

I'm sure he'll have a new victim who believes his bullshit about his previous relationships & circumstances soon enough.

MarshmallowAra · 06/06/2021 12:35

I think she has broken up with him rather than he with her.

Women rarely break up with partners, especially if they kids with them, unless they're absolutely unbearable for one reason or another, I wonder what he's been up to.

SmokeyDevil · 06/06/2021 12:41

@MarshmallowAra

He deserves to be alone and miserable.

I'm sure he'll have a new victim who believes his bullshit about his previous relationships & circumstances soon enough.

Yep you are right. He will find a new victim in time.

MondayYogurt · 06/06/2021 13:32

He feels dreadful and needs time he says.

Anything he says about feelings is a lie. He is an abusive liar.

And he is low-key continuing to abuse you because he is sucking up your precious time and thoughts. Even by pondering what your response should be, you're giving up your brain space to a man who has deliberately hurt you (the mother of his children) for years.

The moment he opens his mouth or types anything about how he is feeling the conversation should end. You are allowed to be blunt. You are allowed to go silent. You owe him nothing. You most especially don't owe him an ounce of care.

You're free.

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