When your exH splits with OW after years how did you feel? And did he try to crawl back?

[karmaticadramatica]

NC for this.
My exh who was is a nasty, abusive man has in the last month split from his partner who was the OW. He is very woe is me and has gone running back to his parents, which is where he went when he left me as OW was still living with the father of her kids. It was messy then and it's even messier now as more kids involved.

If similar happened to you, how did you feel?
Part of me feels quite sorry for him but then I remember how he's tried to destroy me both in the marriage and since and part of me thinks serves you right for the hell you put me and our dc through. Now our dc have to get through another relationship breakdown and he's not emotionally able to support them so it's down to me again. He has dc with his most recent ex and she has several children from her original relationship and they are all very close.

It's a huge mess and my sympathies lie with all the children but he's been sending me odd messages about how he's feeling and talking about memories from our relationship and marriage as though he's having a big navel-gaze into how he's buggered up his life and obviously wants my sympathy. 40 and moving back in with mum and dad after two failed relationships where he has children. He has never lived alone.

He now has nowhere to have our dc during contact time as no room at his mum and dad's and will also have to work out contact for his dc with his now ex. Not my problem of course except for helping my own dc through this. They are young teens and the eldest is still reeling from our break up despite being years ago so this is a really hard on her.

I think I feel quite angry too that he thought the grass was greener, left me, tried to destroy me (accusations of psychosis and abuse), never had a proper home for our dc to go to once he left, didn't prioritise dc over OW, had more dc with her, and now he's back to where he was 9 years ago and can't offer our dc any more stability than he did then.

I'm autistic and that might be contributing to my feelings here but I'm hoping someone can relate.

Only a complete narcissist would have the gall to moan to someone he cheated on and left (with kids) when he's been dropped himself.

Their song can gave any tune but the lyrics are always me, me,me.

(That's not even including the abuse you've described).

Mine ran off with a 17 year old girl (he was 30), got her pregnant within a month. They lasted about a year until she got fed up and he came crawling back. Needless to say I fucked him off.

Now 10 years down the line, I am happily married with DD2 on the way, DH is awesome with DD1 (we met when she was 6).
Ex has nothing to do with his other child, however we get on fine and the girls love seeing each other.

Ex is now pushing 40, lives with his mother is still an alcoholic and desperately lonely.

Oh crap, you're right. I'm an idiot for giving him any head space at all. We have a court hearing in July so I can't ignore his existence completely but from now on back to grey rock block and continuing to focus on the dc.

He dropped some of the dcs' stuff off this afternoon with his sad face in full force and it failed to stir any sympathy in me so you lovely lot have done me the power of good, thank you.
He's now got 3 sets of children to work around as well as his shifts that don't make things easy.

Yep, you're definitely doing OK

Bye bye sad face He can go and manipulate other people now.

I'm always reminded of Maxine Walters "Reclaiming my time, reclaiming my time".

Here you go op!
😂

I wouldn’t give a shit either. If it was you in the shit after a failed relationship he’d be telling everyone you peaked with him & patting himself on the back.

Once I split up with someone I don't care one way or the other what they do. I am happy for them to be happy and non plussed if not. If kids are involved then I prefer if they are in a relationship with a nice woman.

It feels like all that upset and abuse was for nothing. I would be so cross. He couldnt support the DC he had and he had more!

I would watch to see if he thinks he can come back. He is not going to like being with his parents for long. He can see your DC. He has to make an effort to do stuff with them.

I do feel a little angry now. He's caused so much anxiety to us all and now it's all poor him. I was painted as the bad guy and all his previously lovely family and friends turned against me as they believed his tales of woe. Of course I got the script of how he'd been unhappy for years, how I'd made him lose himself and his identity. I was the evil, psychotic woman who had ruined his life. He's still claiming that he didn't sleep with OW before he left here but has forgotten he admitted that he did to me years ago. With gloating glee thinking he was the great stud. Ha.

Oh dear lord, he's started sending flirty messages. I have ignored them and feel slightly queasy. I'm chuckling to myself as he's put me through so much shit and lied so much to professionals that I was in danger of losing the dc to him like he'd always said I would, and now the world has shifted so that I'm finally feeling positive about things and like this nightmare will finally be over. I've lived in fear for so many years, been in court more times than I can count (over 20 now) and I finally feel I can breathe a little easier.

@karmaticadramatica

Oh dear lord, he's started sending flirty messages. I have ignored them and feel slightly queasy. I'm chuckling to myself as he's put me through so much shit and lied so much to professionals that I was in danger of losing the dc to him like he'd always said I would, and now the world has shifted so that I'm finally feeling positive about things and like this nightmare will finally be over. I've lived in fear for so many years, been in court more times than I can count (over 20 now) and I finally feel I can breathe a little easier.

He is such a twit. Continue to ignore him Op

Can’t believe he’s sending flirty messages. What an absolute prick.
Post them on here so we can laugh at him.

He is a lazy fisherman. He thinks he can reel you in with a few sob stories. It’s much easier than baiting the line and trying a new pond. (I’ve never been fishing so if my analogy is a bit crap with the details, I’m sure you will forgive me. )

Oh that’s so gross.

Use the Talking Parents app for communicating with an abuser. This is Cafcass approved so they should have no objections and everything is recorded so he can't try and abuse you again. Reeling you back in is abusing you.

Op, were you partner nos2? Just interested in the time he seems to spend with partners as often there is a pattern, 10 years seems to be a fairly common. I understand why you are angry with OW but be aware he will have lied so substantially about you that she would have felt you were the abuser. She may now slowly start to realise the extent of his lies.

If your ex is a "recycler" he will be trying to hoover you back.
www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/understanding-narcissism/201705/why-narcissists-try-recycle-their-partners

He may also try to triangulate with OW. The Karpman triangle...he is the victim and now OW is the abuser.
Even though the dc are teens is he still trying to fight for contact??

I really wish judges were forced to learn about NPD as currently they believe fault for conflict is on both sides.

I was his first serious relationship. He is now suggesting he joins me and the dc on our weekend activities. He's been split from his gf a week. A week and he's already flirting and trying to be part of my life. Unfortunately for him I've had a lot of counselling and completed the freedom programme and am having ongoing support due to his abuse so he's trying to mess with the head of someone who is wise to his tactics. I've been a single parent for a long time now and I love it. I have a dc with someone else although he has nothing to do with our child or me so it's just me and the 3dc and that's the way I like it. Since I hit 40 I've been really secure in who I am, what I want and don't want and what I'm doing with my life. Well, pretty much. I have no room for a man in my life now and I'm the happiest I've ever been.
It takes some neck to be trying to hoover me especially after so little time since his break up. He has no shame, no insight, no remorse, no bloody idea.
Part of me wants to laugh at him but I was brought up not to do that. I'm laughing at the situation a little because it's just so batshit.

The flirty comments were to do with my hobby. He made a perfectly innocent comment, or rather what should have been and could have been an innocent comment, into a sexual innuendo then denied it 😂