Would you wait?

[CasualBrowser20]

Hi all

In a bit of a predicament but will try to keep it brief. Starting seeing someone last July and we decided to be exclusive after the second date (he initiated this conversation). Now, almost ten months later, we’re still exclusive but not “boyfriend/girlfriend” (I personally don’t get what the difference is but he seems to think there is a difference between exclusive and being in a relationship)

Usually in these situations I’d give it six months and if it’s still not official by that point cut my losses and go... (maybe thats a tad dramatic but I’m not a casual person).

Problem is, the guy I’m seeing has a lot going on in his family life (sadly a very sick relative) so he has said he doesn’t want the pressure of a relationship and would prefer to revisit this conversation in the future. I’m torn because I do like him, but I honestly feel like a bit of a placeholder until he finds someone he actually wants to be with...but also feel like I shouldn’t even be talking about how I feel when he’s dealing with this terrible thing.

I guess I’m wondering what would you do in this situation? Would you wait it out in the hope they would finally make it “official”? Or am I just completely selfish for even contemplating raising this topic to him again at a time like this? For reference I’m late 20s so would ideally like to be in a relationship

[quote VickyPicky1]@CasualBrowser20 he has told you all you need to know and you have implicitly agreed. He said he doesn’t want a relationship right now. You have agreed you are ok with this by still continuing to still see him casually. Unlike what most people think men also need emotional support and companionship. You are giving him all of this by acting like his girlfriend

How old is he and how long ago did this illness issue crop up? Was it immediate or after a time into dating? A decent man would firmly tell you he cannot commit to a relationship when something major crops up and lets you go. This guy is using you and dangling the hope of revisiting the conversation in an indefinite time in future to keep you exactly where he wants you[/quote]
Sorry I’m new to posting so hope I’ve done this correctly!

We’re the same age and I knew about his family prior to him bringing up exclusivity.

Funnily enough at the six month mark he had a “wobble” and said he couldn’t commit to the relationship because needed to spend time with his family. Then a few days later changed his mind... in hindsight, I should have said if we continue it’s a relationship and not just dating (more fool me eh!)

I’m annoyed at myself for being so naive. I’m not like this in any other aspects of my life.

@Mermaidwaves

I would be wondering why after 10 months he's so keen to let you know you're NOT his girlfriend? if you're exclusive and spending regular time together what does he call it? It's sad he has a sick relative but that shouldn't make any difference to the status of your relationship.

From what I've learnt if a man can't even commit to calling you his girlfriend it means you are the 'for now girl'. This seems to be the modern way of dating and it sucks quite frankly. They get all the benefits of a relationship but won't give you the security of calling it that. I think you have a right to know what his intentions are towards you.

Definitely don’t want to continue to be the “for now girl”!

I made allowances because of the family illness and because it hasn’t been the most “normal” year (either side of Christmas we didn’t see each other for a couple of months because of covid/being at home with family)

I have a work shift today so will ask tomorrow as don’t want to be distracted

I think you need to snap out of the mindset that a relationship with you is extra 'pressure' on him.
Relationships can be joyous, supportive, caring, hugely positive things. You seem to think that being in a relationship with you is am extra burden on him. You're better than that! Being with someone decent you love adds to your life! Whatever is happening with your family. I started seeing my now DH at a really complex time for me personally but I was sure about him and he rode the storm with me.
Yes relationships require commitment and if he can't give you that for whatever reason then
a) accept living in the weird halfway state (although I think he has shown a profound lack of respect for your time and self that he has kept you in this position)
Or b) working from the basis you would like and deserve a relationship, understand that that is not what is on offer here, and move forwards.
Good luck.

[quote VickyPicky1]@Savoretti I think it means there is no commitment or plan for a shared future. It’s for now, let’s see what happens, etc

An internship basically. You are not offered the job yet. (Sorry poor example I know)[/quote]
I think that’s an excellent comparison, actually.

OP, what are you ‘asking’ him? Just tell him it’s not your job to provide a no-strings-attached ‘girlfriend experience’ for someone who clearly regards the idea of being in a relationship as a ball and chain, and he can get with the programme or not.

I’d be sympathetic to someone who felt that looking after a dying parent meant they literally didn’t have time for a relationship, but if you’re spending all weekend together every weekend, that’s clearly not true.

@CasualBrowser20 don’t blame yourself. When you are in it and have feelings for someone it’s quite different from a dispassionate outsider.

But IMO don’t waste more time on this loser. Remember that even if all he says is true, grief of losing a parent can put tremendous strain on already solid relationships. He will just use you for emotional support and companionship, as a shoulder to cry on and fun while keeping an eye out for other girls and then move on when ready. You could be well into your 30s by then. You deserve better