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Relationships

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Original poster

Would you wait?

30 replies

CasualBrowser20 · 04/06/2021 22:23

Hi all

In a bit of a predicament but will try to keep it brief. Starting seeing someone last July and we decided to be exclusive after the second date (he initiated this conversation). Now, almost ten months later, we’re still exclusive but not “boyfriend/girlfriend” (I personally don’t get what the difference is but he seems to think there is a difference between exclusive and being in a relationship)

Usually in these situations I’d give it six months and if it’s still not official by that point cut my losses and go... (maybe thats a tad dramatic but I’m not a casual person).

Problem is, the guy I’m seeing has a lot going on in his family life (sadly a very sick relative) so he has said he doesn’t want the pressure of a relationship and would prefer to revisit this conversation in the future. I’m torn because I do like him, but I honestly feel like a bit of a placeholder until he finds someone he actually wants to be with...but also feel like I shouldn’t even be talking about how I feel when he’s dealing with this terrible thing.

I guess I’m wondering what would you do in this situation? Would you wait it out in the hope they would finally make it “official”? Or am I just completely selfish for even contemplating raising this topic to him again at a time like this? For reference I’m late 20s so would ideally like to be in a relationship

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 04/06/2021 22:25

How does it work ATM? Are you basically an exclusive booty call? Have you met his friends and family and vice versa? Do you stop over each others houses? Do you go on dates etc?

StapMe · 04/06/2021 22:26

Sorry to be blunt but he's just not that into you. You'd know for sure if he was. Cut your losses and move on.

Cheeseycheeseycheesecheese · 04/06/2021 22:28

It's tricky because there's a lot of emotion. But also you need to know where you're going and if this thing has legs.

Would you feel comfortable to ask him about revisiting this conversation in the near future. Something about a couple of weeks, acknowledging what's going on with his relative, but you need to know where you stand.

As a side note I'm totally with you on the it's something or its nothing mentality and 6 months is a good indicator for how its going.

Savoretti · 04/06/2021 22:32

I don’t get how you can be exclusive but not in a relationship? Or does it just mean you are FB that don’t sleep with anyone else?
Sorry - I’m old and I’m not sure how dating works these days

VickyPicky1 · 04/06/2021 22:36

How old is he? Someone saying they don’t want “pressure of a relationship” means they have commitment issues and don’t see the good/suppotive side of a relationship.

The sick relative is an excuse. Unless there is a fast recovery and definite timelines (eg an operation and recovery and then back to normal) you will be in a convenient placeholder situation forever.

VickyPicky1 · 04/06/2021 22:38

@Savoretti I think it means there is no commitment or plan for a shared future. It’s for now, let’s see what happens, etc

An internship basically. You are not offered the job yet. (Sorry poor example I know)

Aquamarine1029 · 04/06/2021 22:39

For fuck's sake. What a con man. He's playing you for a fool, so please stop falling for his nonsense. Move on, enough time has been wasted already.

AtrociousCircumstance · 04/06/2021 22:42

Dump. Immediately.

Moonshine11 · 04/06/2021 22:45

10 months in I’d expect to be a gf.

Opentooffers · 04/06/2021 22:47

Exclusive chat brought up by him after only 2 dates means he wants you all to himself, but he's probably not reciprocating that. Don't be surprised to find the sick relative is a ruse and an excuse to not move things on. If you are not meeting friends or family after a year, forget it ( maybe this should of been do e months ago ). There is no valid reason, you should think more of yourself and not tolerate it.

VickyPicky1 · 04/06/2021 22:49

@CasualBrowser20 also read some of the other threads on this board. It’s full of women living and having children with men who give them excuse after excuse for not getting married. At least those men have committed to a relationship and living together. This man doesn’t even want to call you his girlfriend after ten months. Cut your losses otherwise you will have to push and cajole him at every stage of this relationship. You deserve more than this. The right person for you would be happy to call you his girlfriend after a few months.

CarnationCat · 04/06/2021 22:53

Nope. I wouldn't accept this and would have broke up with him several months ago if I was you.

He's treating you as if you're good enough to have sex with but not good enough to be his girlfriend. He obviously doesn't feel very strongly for you to be so adamant that you're not his girlfriend.

You need to think about yourself. He might be going though a difficult time but that's no excuse to string you along like this. You need to respect yourself and move on.

kiddo5467 · 04/06/2021 22:56

@Savoretti

I don’t get how you can be exclusive but not in a relationship? Or does it just mean you are FB that don’t sleep with anyone else? Sorry - I’m old and I’m not sure how dating works these days

Exactly my question!

Savoretti · 04/06/2021 23:01

@VickyPicky1 ah that makes sense

In that case I’d definitely get out. 10 months is way too long to be hanging around. Agree the sick relative is just an excuse; there’ll be another reason after that too.
Take back control and move on

Original poster

CasualBrowser20 · 04/06/2021 23:01

Thanks for your responses! These are my concerns too

Confused because we go on dates 3x a week (usually spend Friday- Sunday together). Have met all his friends and he’s met mine. Not family yet because of covid (and I don’t want to introduce anyone to my family until I’m in a relationship with them)

I felt guilty for bringing it up because I can’t imagine facing losing a parent and didn’t want to add more stress to an already fragile situation but perhaps I do need to be more selfish now and consider what I want going forward

OP posts:

RaininSummer · 04/06/2021 23:08

Sounds like you are his girlfriend to me even if the title isn't bandied about. Odd behaviour from him though. I don't remember ever having conversations with any of the chaos I went with about this . After a goodly amount of dates/a month or two, you just were a couple until one of you decided you weren't any more.

WallaceinAnderland · 04/06/2021 23:08

Just say that you're disappointed the relationship hasn't moved forward but understand he has a lot to deal with right now and probably isn't in the right place for a relationship and end it.

If he wants you, he will step up.

Lampan · 04/06/2021 23:08

Sounds like nothing would actually need to change if he acknowledged you as his girlfriend. You are already exclusive and spending plenty of time together. But he won’t do it. I agree that he is using his sad family situation as an excuse. I also agree that it’s perfectly reasonable to ask him where you stand and to move on if he continues to keep you hanging.

AtrociousCircumstance · 04/06/2021 23:09

You’re being manipulated OP. Someone suffering the imminent loss of a close relative could equally yearn for the security, support and closeness of a real relationship.

He’s gaslighting.

seensome · 04/06/2021 23:10

What more 'pressures' does he think you'll give him?
He doesn't give you the respect by being proud to call you his girlfriend, so why should you care about what's going on in his life, put yourself first.

kiddo5467 · 04/06/2021 23:15

@CasualBrowser20

Thanks for your responses! These are my concerns too

I genuinely don't get this tho. What is the difference between being exclusive and spending full weekends together, meeting each other's friends etc and being in a relationship?

Have you asked him to be in a relationship and he's said no?

What would be different if you were in a relationship?

I'm a bit older & dating and I assumed it was the same thing?! Once you were exclusive you were in a relationship? Personally i don't like the badges of bf&gf but that's just me....so if I was exclusive with someone I might not use the term bf but if we weren't seeing other people, met each other's friends and seen each other 3 times a week I'd say it's a relationship??

VickyPicky1 · 04/06/2021 23:24

@CasualBrowser20 he has told you all you need to know and you have implicitly agreed. He said he doesn’t want a relationship right now. You have agreed you are ok with this by still continuing to still see him casually. Unlike what most people think men also need emotional support and companionship. You are giving him all of this by acting like his girlfriend

How old is he and how long ago did this illness issue crop up? Was it immediate or after a time into dating? A decent man would firmly tell you he cannot commit to a relationship when something major crops up and lets you go. This guy is using you and dangling the hope of revisiting the conversation in an indefinite time in future to keep you exactly where he wants you

RosieCockle · 04/06/2021 23:28

What is pressure of a relationship? I thought it was supposed to be enjoyment, pleasure, sharing problems to make things easier. Not a difficulty to deal with.

tribpot · 04/06/2021 23:29

As a girlfriend you would be providing quite a lot of emotional support to him at a difficult time.

As an exclusive-non-girlfriend, I would expect you to be more casual, with the dates about having a good time and not really being part of his everyday life.

Which role are you actually in? Unless it's the latter, in my view he's taking the piss.

Mermaidwaves · 04/06/2021 23:31

I would be wondering why after 10 months he's so keen to let you know you're NOT his girlfriend? if you're exclusive and spending regular time together what does he call it? It's sad he has a sick relative but that shouldn't make any difference to the status of your relationship.

From what I've learnt if a man can't even commit to calling you his girlfriend it means you are the 'for now girl'. This seems to be the modern way of dating and it sucks quite frankly. They get all the benefits of a relationship but won't give you the security of calling it that. I think you have a right to know what his intentions are towards you.

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