Boyfriend struggling with family life

[Snazzas]

A bit of context. A few years ago I finally plucked up the courage and split with my abusive alcoholic ex. We have two children, now 4 and 9. He has very little contact with them.

A year ago my new partner moved in with us. The transition from dating to moving in happened very quickly. Firstly, because for the first time in my life I had a partner who I loved and treated me with such care and respect; secondly because he got on incredibly well with my children; thirdly lockdown restrictions meant I had no more childcare options and moving in would allow us to still spend time together.

About 4 months in my partner (a teacher) said he was finding working with kids all day at school then coming home to the demands of family life exhausting. For a few weeks we trialled him spending a couple of nights back at his old house to give him space to breathe. This worked well but then Christmas and lockdown number 2 came along and we quickly slipped back into him living back at my house full time. I then got a new job and the demands on him ( the occasional nursery pick-up, food shop, cleaning up after tea time etc.) increased. We had very little time alone together apart from snippets in the evening.

Last Sunday after we had come back from a Junior Parkrun where my youngest had had a meltdown my partner suddenly announced that he loved me so much but he doesn’t want his own kids and is finding daily life with mine incredibly hard. He then gathered a few things and left.

I feel completely devastated not just for me but for my children ( who luckily the following day went to their grandparents’ for a couple of days) as they adore him. He’s currently having space and we’re both thinking about what to do next and whether a relationship can continue moving forward.

Has anyone else had a similar situation to this? Is there a workable solution?

I’m keen for him not to feel like he has to take on any parenting responsibilities, that he can just be a boyfriend rather than a father figure. Maybe I can strike a better balance between giving my children more 1:1 time with me and separately 1:1 time with my partner? I’m just not sure how to go about it. I feel torn, like everything’s a mess and just want the best outcome for everybody.

I think you need to stop asking him to do parenting stuff. Move back to live seperatly. Go on dates. If that’s not feasible or going to work rhen it’s best to end it,

He wants you but not your children. He might be a teacher but he's not a family man.

I agree let him move out, go back to dating and don’t put any expectations on him for picking up the parenting slack. It all moved to quickly. I know covid complicated things for a lot of people but moving in too soon especially during a period when you were all going to be closer together due to lockdown was never going to be great.
The daily drudge of parenting is bad enough when they’re your own but when they’re not yours and you don’t have a long standing relationship with them then there’s not much reward in it.

@RuthTopp

He wants you but not your children. He might be a teacher but he's not a family man.

I think that’s a bit simplistic. They just moved too quickly from dating to full on family life.

Op how long were you together when he moved in?

It’s a shame but looks like everything happened far too quickly - fair enough it was due to unusual circumstances, but that would probably make it less likely to work successfully than if you’d made a proper decision to move in together and had been able to set out expectations re childcare/parenting from the start.

Once the time for breathing space is done then you need to have a serious conversation about whether there’s a future for you as a couple.

I think you need to accept that you come as a party of 3 and stop trying to work around that. He can live separately and date you if that suits you both but I think you need to start managing your expectations here. Even if you can keep him away from being responsible for your children the fact is that you yourself are forever responsible for them and it will cause you and your kids a lot of stress to try and keep him away from that.

Would you be happy with a more casual dating relationship with this man, as that is all he can give you. Which is not unreasonable and it is honest.

How quick was very quickly?

He should never have been doing nursery pick ups. He’s a new boyfriend!

If he moves back out and you go back to more casual dating it might work better but it’s a bit shit for young children to have been handed a dad figure and then have it taken away. I don’t blame him either, he doesn’t have children and didn’t know what it would be like or how much responsibility you’d be expecting him to have.

I never wanted children either, I would find this overwhelming too. It’s one thing if they’re your own children, quite another when they’re not. He only got in ‘incredibly well’ with them because he wasn’t living with them, maybe he likes them in small doses only.
Go back to dating, moving in was the wrong thing to do, now you have children who ‘adore him’ and it’s all gone a bit pear shaped for them as well...

4 months. Even during the time we weren’t living together we saw each other most days. On reflection everything happened so fast.

I think RuthTopp has a point though. He said if it was just me and not me plus kids there would be no issues with our relationship. He is always so brilliant when he’s with them that I just didn’t notice a problem until he obviously felt the need to escape.

Yeah moving a guy in you’ve known a few weeks has very high potential foe failure. It’s just too much too soon op. Go back to dating. See if that works.

I think you need to go back to living separately and dating again. Takes things more slowly and see how it goes. One of my friends is in a long term relationship with a man who has always kept his own accommodation which allows him to step out of family life (they are not his children) and recharge his batteries. The children are now adults and he still likes to go to his home form time to time. It seems to work for them.

Your kids come first
He’s telling you he doesn’t want a life with your kids in it

I'm sorry OP but I think you've been really selfish and irresponsible to your children. Lockdown meaning you wouldn't see him so much was your problem, not your childrens. You should never have moved him in after knowing him so little, he was effectively a stranger and you made him a pseudo-parent to your children?!

Let him go, and date him when the children are with family or get a babysitter when they are in bed for the evening.

My DP had to transition to full-time family life over lockdown and that’s been challenging at times - but we’d been together 3 years at the time Covid struck and the DC were obviously very used to having him around. Even so he finds it hard sometimes (which I totally understand) - it’s a massive change when they’re not even your own children. The lack of headspace, constantly having someone talking at you, the mess...as a mum you get eased into it in a way, a newborn doesn’t chatter at you and leave Lego everywhere! But a new partner being dropped in is going in cold and it’s a shock, even for the nicest guy.

To be fair to you op, he did decide to move in with you knowing that you had children. It’s not your fault that he can’t cope with this, he really should have thought it through more carefully before positioning himself as a father figure to the kids. If he didn’t want to get involved, he should have made that clear from the outset, not suddenly change his mind after he’s established a relationship with the children. The only way forward now would be to live separately but I would be questioning if that’s sustainable as you will always be juggling the demands of parenting and a relationship (hard even in normal circumstances) and trying to please everyone- what about you? What about your needs? Would you be happy with a boyfriend who wasn’t part of your children’s lives or are you looking for more than that? How do you think the DC’s would feel about it?

And I say this as a former single parent. I waited over 3 years to introduce my DD to my now husband, and another 2 after that before we lived together. 4 months?! awful

So if you go back to dating what happens? Presumably if the relationship develops, he moves back in at some point. Confusing for the kids to have him moving in and out.

Maybe if you are dating him, you need to be clear that the relationship can't ever be more than that and see how that goes.

He just doesnt want to live his life in this way. Its really sad for you but I think you'll either have to carry on living in separate houses or split up. When its your own children you put up with it usually. But with somebody else's its different. And its not only men. Theres always women on here moaning about having step children for a night or two a week or heaven forbid the school holidays.

4 months

How would you have managed nursery pick ups if you weren’t dating him? Couldn’t your parents help? What will you do when he moves out?

Too late now, but you didn’t give your relationship time to develop before moving him in. He was a stranger to your children.

If you’d given their relationship time to grow and a bond to develop then it may have worked but it’s been too much too soon.

You can try going back to living separately and dating but you need to think about the impact and confusion for your children.

You both moved it too fast. He’s doing the right thing moving back out and being honest with you. LISTEN to him. He is being very clear about what he wants. Carry on seeing him as your boyfriend but don’t expect to move him in and become a family. That’s not what he wants. Keep the two separate. It’s still very early on in your relationship. Take your foot off the gas and just enjoy dating someone without the soul sucking drudgery of family life

Personally I’ve never understood this mad rush to move new partners in. Have you read the relationships board?? stay dating, keep your own home for yourself.

Loving someone is one thing but if circumstances aren't right then even if you love each other, it won't work out. Cut your losses. Lots of lovely blokes out there who will appreciate the whole package. I disagree with the others who say live separately and go on dates. These problems will rear their heads again so might as well get out now. Put yourself & children 1st.

I think the word "escape" is a bit harsh. He fell inlove with you as na individual, not BECAUSE you were a mom. So i think.his reaction is commendable, better hes transparent and honest that begins doing passive agressive stuff to get you to dump him, who knows what damage that wouldve done to the kids